My Song of the Day (Shut Up)  

Posted by H in ,

Just a musical follow-up to my previous post about how G. and I may have been betting on the wrong horses. After all I said I was going to turn up the volume, and I thought of that one:

Shut the fuck up she said
I'm going fucking deaf
you're always too loud
everything's too loud

Now that all my friends left
this place is fucking dead
I want to move out
when can we move out
this shit has got to stop
I'll run away

Get the fuck up she said
your life is meaningless
it's going nowhere
you're going nowhere

You're just a fuck up she said
I'll live alone instead
she said "you don't care"
I know I don't care

I'll never ask permission from you
fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home

I got too fucked up again
and passed out on the plane
tried to forget you
I can't forget you

No sleep on this flight
I'll think about the nights
we had to get through
how did we get through?

I'll never ask permission from you
fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I'll run away

I think it's time that I should leave
I think it's time that I should leave
I think it's time that I should leave
I think it's time that I should leave

I'll never ask permission from you
fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I'll run away

I think it's time for me to leave (I'll run away)
I think it's time for me to leave (I'll run away)
I think it's time for me to leave (I'll run away)
I think it's time for me to leave (I'll run away)

Our Bet on the Wrong Horses?  

Posted by H in ,

I have to say that I think there's a possibility for a round of "I told you so" hitting me in the face like a truck within the next few days. I'm probably going to regret it tomorrow or in a few days when I feel better, because I'll have given wind to the skeptics and satisfaction to some ill-minded readers, but that still feels right and part of the things I sworn myself to write here.

Let's just say things have not been that great with G. lately, as we've been fighting on and off a lot - but we always do that - and she has been getting a bit abusive, to say the least.

Not that she wasn't before. I guess to the naked eye, a lot of people would already the way she used to treat me abusive. Her job is one thing that I don't mind at all, so that's not really part of it. However her agressivity, her desire to control everything, and her lack of aptitude to take control over her life - and blame it on me not only when I don't offer my help right away but *also* when I try to help - are starting to get to me.

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. I caught myself considering thoughts I didn't envision before. Moving out, leaving town for a while, going on a bike trip, moving to another country again, applying for different jobs. My life used to be a lot simpler before I met her, for so many reasons. For once, there's the fact that though we move a lot together, I used to move a lot more before. Now I don't; and when I do it's mostly for her sake. I miss that aspect of my life. Then she made it of course extremely financially unsafe. I used to be comfy, meaning I had enough to live with my job, travel a bit, and I was saving all the rest. For later, for family, for projects, even already for retirement, and for helping other people as well. Since I've met her I've lost all the security I had, jobs are an absolute necessity, and though I didn't use to spend money on much before - because that's my lifestyle and I don't like spending money on things that are not really useful, and I resist impulsive temptations for little things like an extra coffee or such things really easily - now I just *cannot* afford to spend it on anything: everything I don't use for rent, food and transportation is saved. And then spent on her. For her future career, our future plans, for the most part. But also a part only on her suddenly thinking that she deserves a break of life.

She does indeed, though I work my ass off (in a different way) and put in a lot of extra hours, and I barely every get a thank you, while I have to be understanding for everything she does and goes through. Which I think I did so far (okay, maybe not everything, nobody's perfect). Of course her job is hard to take, and I wouldn't want her to do more hours that just the bare minimum to save money for what she needs. But that's the problem, she doesn't really save that money, she just spends it. I don't know how it goes away that fast.

And she's a problem magnet. You know that type of person who always think things in life are so hard and complain about them, when all you have to do is get up your ass and do them, and then it takes only a few hours? Or the type of person who becomes the target of all possibles inconveniences. Loosing your wallet, loosing your purse, loosing your jewelry, loosing friends, getting scammed, getting busted, getting your agency busted, getting sick all the time.
But of course they prefer to blame it on other things. The credit crunch, the society, the government (always an easy one, that one), your ex-friends, your boyfriend, and, ah, yes, bad luck. Or even better: blame it on other people's good luck!

Well, that's my G.

And I'm getting so f*cking tired. Remember West Wing's Leo McGarry? Well that's how tired I am. I feel like I take all my strength from knowing I'm doing the right thing for her, and that it will be over at some point - and I really know it will - when bad things are behind us, and also from those crazy things we sometimes do together (like the camping trip I talked about here, or crazy concerts, festivals, parties and stuff). But I'm starting to be literally physically, nervously and even emotionally drained. And I know how to deal with the first two, but the third one as never been a big thing for me and that's a brand new sensation that I'm not liking so much right know. And I *HATE* myself for not finding the energy to snap out of that state of lethargy.

And I feel like I don't have any support from her. If I don't support her, it's a full day of fighting ahead of me, or I can usually trade it for 3 days of silent treatment, during which she'll stop doing anything civil while, well, I just keep doing the usual stuff, meaning living my own life but also taking caring of our common life: cleaning, grocery shopping, laundering, watching out for her in any way I can, and helping her to prepare her classes, reminding her of whatever appointments she has (and won't talk about here) and having food and drinks ready when she comes home no matter what time. But then if she asks for a massage at 1am when I've been up for more than 40 hours and I try to decline and say I'll do it the next day (which I always DO god dammit!) then she crawls back into her shell, is grumpy again and goes to sleep without a word, and tells me stuff like "fine, I'll never ask you again".

*[insert scream of slow agony here]*

But it's unfair. Of course it's unfair to me, like so many people keep telling me. But it's unfair to her as well. Unfair to think that you can *expect* from someone who had her childhood and life that she'll be normal, whatever that means. I always feel like I'm living with a freaking teenager. Because I am. She never grew up. And I don't think she'll ever will. Either it's too late, or she's not in a mindset where she accepts any criticism and I don't know what event - I lost faith in words, I've tried too many of those - could finally have some effect on her and realize that there are ways of dealing with things, and that they're not hers. You don't shut off for a week when someone talks to you in a moody way (especially when you're the Queen of Moodyland). You don't snap at people on the street and keep rambling and cursing for ten minutes just because some things didn't go the way you wanted, or because an impromptu problem occurred, or because your friends didn't call back.
You don't have to always think that people should be on call because they have a mobile phone, and always call back when you tried to call but didn't leave a message. Yes, I agree, it's better. And *most* people would do, *most* of the time. *Sometimes*, *some* people have lots of things to do and don't call back, or don't ask exactly the right question to ask how you've been or forget to show interest in some part of your life which they could not possibly care about in the first place, because it's totally alien to her. It doesn't mean they're not your friends, or bad people, it means they're having a f*cking hard time, like *you*, and just cannot take any more of the world's misery on their shoulders and wish you'd do the same and cut them some slack. And alienating them for that is a bit of a knee-jerk jackass act.

But what do you want. From mentally abused to beaten child, to child-worker, to child top-less barmaid and stripper with implants, to escort, how do you expect things to go smoothly?
How do you expect to have a social scale that defines commonly accepted concepts like truth, hope, trust, *mutual* social equity and ethics?
How do you do that when all your previous boyfriends and girlfriends cheated on you, treated you like dirt, beat you - giving you a warm reminder of what it felt like to be repressed and almost enslaved as a child again - and demeaned you, stole from you and threatened to out you as a sex-worker.
And when your closest friends are part of this same industry, or if not, of a social circle where the same affinity for problems lives on with a thousand lives to spare, how can you not *think* that everything in the world is supposed to be this way (because this world seems equally as foreign to anyone leaving in the normal one and thinking such things cannot happen and exist, or only on very rare occasions, isn't it so?).

But fair or unfair... I think I've had enough. Enough of this shit, the poison. Mind you, it's not really due to escorting itself. But I wouldn't dare to say it isn't part of the equation. If people ask me if I didn't think it was bound to fail that this was foreseeable: sure. Of course it was, I'd say the same to anyone in a similar situation. But that's because I'm pessimistic and aim for the lowest point on the horizon in any case. Yet I'd still tell all these people that I *do* strongly believe it is possible. Even if we might be about to become a casualty of this environment.

I have tons of posts in storage, which are each more or less finished because I wrote them to describe things on the moment, but with only a very short time on my hands every time (as I just explained above in this post). So I might or might not finish them and post them here, no matter what happens.

Right now, I just don't want to think. I''m going to crank up the volume on my stereo, open a can of coke and have a long relaxing drink peering out the window on the street and chatting with the occasional passersby, just because that sounds like the right thing to do to meditate, relax and reflect for the end of a shiny afternoon. And then I'll go for a run.
That's all I can think of for the moment, though I'm a bit scared of giving it a shot, as usually it drains me physically (giving me a good night's sleep afterwards) and cleans my nervousness. I feel anew and afresh every time afterwards. Yet I feel like this is going to fail miserably today.

Their Stories: Fake Escort Agency Scams (2)  

Posted by H in , , , ,

Here's the story I told about and linked to in my earlier post about a fake escort agency scam. I quote it here for reference:

2pm got a call from a guy claiming to work for an agency.
Said his name was Michael
This guy was very well spoken used both flattery and displayed a extensive use of the English language.
He had no accent that I could make out, but did speak very posh, every word was spoken properly with full pronunciation .

Said that the agency he worked for supplied girls to rich businessmen and musicians, etc.
And that the agency was looking for a few girls like myself to come on board and work with them.
Security was tight because these clients did not want kiss and tell stories in the newspaper.
Also said that the client doesn’t pay the girl the agency does.
Clients pay up to and over 100,000 a year membership to this agency, and they are selective.
All clients are vetted and must submit a medical check every quarter.
All girls had to have an interview.

When asked how the girls got paid. He said, An agent from the company would meet the girl before the job to hand over her cash.
BUT, That was after you were a part of the company, the interview you got paid afterward and before your first job.
You were to meet said financial agent on the top floor of the hotel so as to not attract attention in the lobby.

When asked how much the girls got paid, he replied anywhere from £500 to £30,000 a night.

Was then told that it was not a scam and also that they would get a girl from the agency to call and chat .

2:30pm - call comes in from a girl named Bonnie, who claimed to work for this agency.
This girl had an American/Canadian accent and claimed she was from Vancouver.
Now All questions were answered in a methodical manner she was very good this woman.
Claimed to be on tour with a band at present .
Stated that again all clients submitted a medical if any were found to have anything their membership to this place was revoked.
There were 3 categories 1st was normal everything covered which you were paid £500 - £1,000 for the hour depending.
2nd was A level which meant you would do standard stuff but all unprotected. And were paid up to £3,000 per hour.
3rd was A+1 and that meant anything went, such as watersports on you, client tying you up, Domination. Double penetration. Etc but this was paid £5,000 per hour.

Overnight appointments lasted 6 hours that gave you a grand total of £30,000 in a night.

She had never had any problems with clients no violent punters and NO DRUGS either her or her clients.

Worked when she wanted , could either work at home or travel internationally

Asked about her interview to which she said… she had three male escorts in a hotel room and all of them had her at the same time. It was something of a speciality of hers.


As was sex with the client,

The interview was paid for by the company both for your time at your normal rates and for the male escorts time.
(They have both on staff)

So hangs up after chatting with bonnie and waits for her to contact them and let them know your ok with things.

3pm gets a call from another male with the company asking about services .
This male had a very distinct Irish accent , and was just there to get what services you were comfortable doing and what you weren’t.
Asks to speak to another escort as was allowed to talk to as many as I wanted.
Requests a London based escort as living in the UK want to know from a UK based escort.
No problem finishes taking details and hangs up.

3:15pm phone rings and a UK based escort tells me similar things to the first.
Did sound a bit drugged up, and did mention that before she worked for this company she had a profile on adult work.

3:30 pm Michael calls back again explains everything again and wants to know if I am satisfied that this is not a scam.
Then asks how soon did I want to work, and could I do an appointment that evening.
Agrees and starts to get ready.
Calls to confirm that I am ok to do interview and job after it.. Then says client will pay for 2 hours but wants a submissive secretary. To be paid at £5000 per hour so £10,000 total

Given two lines that client want saying.
I would do anything MR x to get my job back.
And I want your cock in my mouth and whatever comes out I want you to watch me swallow.
These two lines were to be said at both interview and to the client.
The interview was to be a mock run of the actual event
Gets called every 20 mins to check how things are coming.

5pm ready and in car on way to Heathrow airport only then do I get told the destination
Holiday Inn at junction 4 at Heathrow airport.
Gets there at 8pm due to traffic.

Male escort met on 6th floor gets to room, forgo saying lines immediately and ask a few questions.
Was told by him that he got into it through a friend and that he went through the whole process.

Gets down to the appointment.
Was filmed giving a BJ for about 5mins.

Then was put on the bed and mouthfucked till I was sick.
He was told to stop several times which he did but went straight back to it after a few mins.
Throat was really sore and tonsils were displaced.
Had unprotected vaginal sex for about 2 mins maybe 6/8 thrusts in total
Then back to mouth fucking.
Came in mouth.
Spat in mouth several times not sure why really (managed to roll it off the tongue
Then proceeded to piss into my mouth.

The whole thing lasted 25 mins if that.
Washed up a little and he went his way after a little chat and I went to top floor to collect my money for that job and the next.

Sat on 10th floor for 15mins. Before phone rang at 8:45 Michael again, was everything ok etc,
Guy with money should be on his way up now and then call cuts out.

No more calls after that waited 15 more mins just to be sure.
Paid for parking and left.

Called police on way home.

CPS won’t prosecute because of those two lines that were said, they have me, and all defence has to say was those lines were me consenting.

Are looking into the scam though.

All was done from withheld numbers.

Thanks to Galahad for posting it in the first place, and to the girl who suffered this for passing it on.

Their Stories: Fake Escort Agency Scams  

Posted by H in , , ,

I just came across this story on Punternet (via Sarah's blog) of a girl scammed by a fake escort agency and coerced into having sex with the people who posed as recruiters.

This is incredibly sad, and even doubly so because a third of the crowd would say that they would have seen it coming, another third would say she got what she deserved, and the rest would try to comfort her but of course to no avail.
And even worse, they f*cked her apparently roughly (I guess it fits the interview process, as they need to prepare you for what's next and some clients), and without any protection. And considering it seems to be an on-going thing, you can imagine what the risks are, given the environment: crazy dirty assholes who go around fucking girls without experience and who might also have fucked other people without safety net.

It touches me particularly because I know G. could have fallen for this sort of thing at the beginning, both the escort agency scam and the unsafe sex, because I know she used to be careless. Hell I still have doubts when she tells me she never fucked any client without a condom (though still had to had an abortion years ago, probably because of one, but says it was probably just an accident and that is very probably what happened).
I guess in all her misery, she was lucky at the time to not enter this business via the worst possibles doors and was not introduced by the worst possible persons (still, not a pretty picture).
I feel terrible for this girl, and totally helpless.

This is rape, and rape in one of its lowest forms. Not that is can have any good form, but you could sort of think that someone using a girl's need for money and desire to put a lot of things aside to get into this business is a dirtier scumbag than the one who rapes a girl when he's drunk to death. Not by much, but the distinction stays.

Come to think of it, some of these practices can even be legal, as they could have protected themselves into asking for her consent. As it is the case for hundreds of girls who are "discovered' in the porn industry (the discovery being usually more or less a rape already), then really used and drained for the time they can serve and as long as they are still fresh on the scene, and then dumped to move on to the next girl. Hey, plenty of fishes out there, it's easy for these people to hunt for the "next big thing", so that the big thing doesn't have to be asked to stick around for too long and you can dispose of it for a younger model with similar features.
Wonder if Woodman ever had this type of legal issues, for instance. I consider the guy an absolute scumbag. No matter what the excuses and justifications, I don't care if he would have warned the girls before hand or not, the whole process is just horrible. Lots of these girls will end up making lots of money, but what are the long term ramifications on their future lives, or what are the lives they could have had? And what about the ones who don't make much money of it, and just got crushed on the way?
Sorry, I got lost in my rant.

Anyway, this story is just wrong and sad. The sort of things that makes you lose a bit of humanity in you.

I'll quote the whole story in a next post because it's so sad I wouldn't want to lose it if it gets removed from Punternet one day.

Your Stories - A Male Escort Story  

Posted by H in ,

First of all thanks again to the people who have been writing lately to send me their own stories.

I am glad to be able to share some of them when you allow me to, and feel free to post the directly on the newsgroup if you feel like it.

Yesterday* I found in my inbox this story of a male escort. I encountered a few male escorts along the way, but definitely not as many as their female counterparts, therefore I think it is always interesting when one of them accepts to share his story.

Here's the story of Stephen Michaels, as he sent it:

I use to be a male escort for women and want to tell my story.

Only a few close friends know about this and I have been wanting to share my story. For 5 years in the early 1990’s, I worked as a male escort for women. In high school and college, I had a reputation as a “lady’s man”. I never had any problems bedding down attractive women. In 1991, I graduated from college with an advanced business degree and found a position at a major company in Dallas.

I found a very nice apartment and I became friends with neighbor who was obviously a lady’s man and we would share our stories. One day he told me that he worked on the side for a Dinner Date company. These companies offered woman dates to socialize, go to parties or other functions. He would treat them well while they were out in public and take these women home. He told me that most of these women wanted to get laid and they paid him for it. The Dinner Date company charged $50 an hour with a 4 hour minimum and the cost of the event for the two of us. I would receice 75% of the fee. At the time, I found it hard to believe but eventually I came around to believe.

He suggested that I apply, which I did and he recommended me to the company. He gave me some tips how to go about getting employment. I got a phone interview which was quickly followed by an on-site interview. They said that I had to go out on 2 Dinner Dates with two different female employees. I had to pay for these dinners and the 2 woman were to judge. I drove a nice new car, came well dressed and engaged them in conversation allowing them to talk about themselves. I did get hired by them and they told me that I would be fired if the company found out I was having sex with any of the clients. My neighbor told me not to worry about it, they were just covering their ass and they would never find out about it unless I said something. My buddy told me how to go about it. He was right.

The woman who would use this service fall into 3 categories. The first were women in their 40’s or older. They were looking for younger men to bed them. The second was professional women in their 20’s and 30’s, who did not have time to nurture a relationship. The last group were fat and unattractive women who were desperate to have a man share her bed with her.

When I went out with these woman, I would always treat them like queens. I would show up in clean and waxed car.. I would be wearing a nice suit, my hair would be trimmed and, of course, I was impeccably clean. I would go to her door and greet them. They would invite them in. I would compliment then on their place, how it looked and how it smelled. When she was ready to leave with me, I would tell her how beautiful she looked. I would walk her to the car holding her hand and open the car door like gentleman. When driving her to the event, I would engage her in small talking trying to understand her better. When we got to the event, I would get out, open her door and escort her in, holding her hand. At the event, she was my total focus. I would not engage other women and allowed her to do what she wanted. If she was talking to others, I would be by her side listening, nodding and even laughing. When we were eating dinner, I would allow her to do most of the talking and kept the focus on her. I would not drink any alcohol and allow here to have 3 or 4 drinks to loosen her up. Throughout all this, I would gently touch her hands and arms. All this is here getting slowly aroused. At the right time, I would start putting my arm around her waist and discreetly put my hand on her ass, rubbing it gently. As the night progress, I would do this more frequently. When, it was time to leave, I would get her coat and walk with here as she said her good-byes. When we would walk out of the event, I would escort her hand in hand to the car, opening the door for her.

While riding her home, I would tell her how beautiful she looked and tell her she was a wonder guest. I would put one hand on her leg as we were driving and when stopped at a light, I would gently kiss her. When we go to her place, I would open her car door and escort her into her place hand in hand. Almost always she would invite me in. That was the time she would be the horniest and the most nervous, if she had not been through this before. I would be patient, never making the first move or give her any signal. Eventually, she would proposition me. At that time, I would hold and kiss. I would keep her close to me and them I would quietly say, “sweetheart, this is going to cost you $150” and wait to see her reaction. Often it would be shock and then she would start begging me. She would say something like, “I thought you wanted me.” I would say “I do, but I am a male escort and this is my job” and wait and say nothing. My silence forces her to say something and it was almost always yes. Sometime, she would give me money, other times, she would write a check. I would promise I would spend the night and make love with her all night long. We would eventually fall asleep and, in the morning, wake up in each other’s arms. I would be sure we made love again and then take a shower together. When I was ready to leave, I would give her a business card, so she could contact me anytime she wanted to, give her a passionate kiss and leave.

To be a male escort, you need to be good looking, a great listen, understand how women think and treat her like a lady. Remember, it is all about her.

* EDIT: actually that was a while ago, but it was saved as draft... whoops...

My Movie Review - The Girlfriend Experience  

Posted by H in ,

Actually, there's no review as I haven't seen it yet, but I am definitely interest in watching this movie, The Girlfriend Experience by Steven Soderbergh.

I wonder if it is going to be blatantly dull like so many movies about this industry, or if it will actually bring some truth to the picture and also not dwell into the same-old die-hard cliches and the fancy, eye-catching Hollywoodian lighting effects.

Wikipedia contains this plot summary:

November, 2008. Escort Chelsea works in New York, but her clients have suffered since the collapse of the banks. Her boyfriend, Chris, is a trainer who is also struggling to make money as most of his clients will only pay for the short term plans.
Chris is asked by a client to go to Vegas for a weekend away, which he initially turns down as he feels Chelsea will not agree to it.
Chelsea meets with a first time client, a writer from Los Angeles, and they click. He is married with children, but after one date wants to spend a weekend with her. Chris does not want Chelsea to go, but after an argument they both go away for the weekend. Chris goes to Las Vegas with his client, and Chelsea flies out to meet her client. However her client has changed his mind.
Chelsea meets with various clients, some of whom just talk, others who engage in sex. She also meets with an interviewer who interviews her about her work. She is also blackmailed by the owner of a website which reviews escorts, when she refuses his advances he gives her a bad review.
Chelsea and Chris break up.

Yes, spoilers, and no alerts. I don't care, the point is more for me to see the connection to the life of real escorts.

The resume sounds promising though, and I am curious to see what it is going to be like. There seems like there's definitely something I can relate to, both in terms of general storyline as well as when it comes to some specific parts of the job. The trip to Vegas arc reminds me a bit of G.'s latest escorting trip around the world, which I partly presented on this blog. And still need to finish recounting, actually, though like I already mentioned (did I? I know wanted to, but I've been out of touch lately) I realized telling the full story would give too many hints about G.'s clients identity, and G. herself. So I sort of binned everything I wrote about it, figuring I'd just rewrite something shorter. Anyway... getting lost here...

Back to The Girlfriend Experience: my biggest worry is, though I like Soderbergh, I'm afraid his movies are usually not that controversial to me. They aim for the controversy, but hide behind the smoke-screen of humour, visual effects and heroic tales.

Oh and I just realized Sasha Grey is starring in it, so I guess Alexa will definitely be watching it too as she seems to be a fan (Okay, maybe not, I have no idea, but she talks about her a few times on her blog :)

Though I'm sure lots of prostitutes will not see from a good eye that the main actress is a porn actress, as they sometimes tend to pretend to relate to their issues while they actually don't, and vice-versa. That's always a big mess, I'm sure people reading this know what I'm talking about (and visitors accustomed to other blogs following the same topic can probably think of a name or two, which I won't cite).

For me, that's unfortunately already one step in the direction of what I don't want the movie to be, as Sasha Grey is a pretty mainstream adult actress. if you can call the adult industry something that is mainstream. But considering the money involved, I'd say you can! - My Site Recommendation of the Day  

Posted by H in ,

I actually don't really know if this is that good a website and I wouldn't necessarily voice a strong opinion in its favor, but I just came across it and would still recommend it as "worth checking out".

ProCon is a website allowing people to register a build a (theoretically) objective view of a conceptual matter and discuss it. Apparently, someone had a go at a ProCon variant to discuss legalized prostitution. Though the introductory material and overview are a bit simple to the point of a being a little funny (but on the other hand, I thought it well reflected the burlesque of this debate's reality on some points), you can find some interesting facts and figures if you have the patience to dig in a little bit longer.

Happy reading.


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My Girlfriend is an Escort

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