My Week Away
Posted by H in me
I happen to have been away from home for a little more than a week, and am coming back today. Though G. and I sometimes barely see each other over a 24hours clock race, we rarely are apart in a geographical way. I am always slightly more stressed when she out of reach and when I know I am even more powerless than I usually am. Not that she really needs me anyway, in a practical way, but she often needs me for emotional support.
This is the thing I might like the most about our relationship. I still feel like I'm G.'s boyfriend, best friend and confident at the same time, and this just is a greate, pure feeling. Sometimes I am these 3 personalities at once, and sometimes it's like I'm taking turns in a single body. She would just come home completely worn and drained out and would rely on me to be just one of the second or the third kind.
But when I'm away, she's got neither of these three, or at least that I know of. Sure, she's got some friends. Some are far away from here, some are a few blocks or stations, or phone relays away. But rare are the friends she can talk to about this side of her real-life. Most of the "normal" friends simply don't know about it. And most of the ones in the know either see it as something overly "cool" - so that she doesn't want to talk to them about it (which probably is a wise and safe decision) - or are grossed out by the idea and prefer not to hear any of it - even when she would need it.
When I'm away I have to play the answering machine's game. I have to provide moral and emotional support in advance or with a delay, but almost always on her answering machine, because getting a hold of her is just too difficult. When I'm at home, it's pretty much the same, plus a few moments of shared intimacy, week-ends of shared community, and a few notes left on the kitchen-counter or the bed's pillow to serve as loyal proxies.
What if she's the next one getting raped? What if she's suddenly feeling lost?