My Week Away  

Posted by H in

I happen to have been away from home for a little more than a week, and am coming back today. Though G. and I sometimes barely see each other over a 24hours clock race, we rarely are apart in a geographical way. I am always slightly more stressed when she out of reach and when I know I am even more powerless than I usually am. Not that she really needs me anyway, in a practical way, but she often needs me for emotional support.

This is the thing I might like the most about our relationship. I still feel like I'm G.'s boyfriend, best friend and confident at the same time, and this just is a greate, pure feeling. Sometimes I am these 3 personalities at once, and sometimes it's like I'm taking turns in a single body. She would just come home completely worn and drained out and would rely on me to be just one of the second or the third kind.

But when I'm away, she's got neither of these three, or at least that I know of. Sure, she's got some friends. Some are far away from here, some are a few blocks or stations, or phone relays away. But rare are the friends she can talk to about this side of her real-life. Most of the "normal" friends simply don't know about it. And most of the ones in the know either see it as something overly "cool" - so that she doesn't want to talk to them about it (which probably is a wise and safe decision) - or are grossed out by the idea and prefer not to hear any of it - even when she would need it.

When I'm away I have to play the answering machine's game. I have to provide moral and emotional support in advance or with a delay, but almost always on her answering machine, because getting a hold of her is just too difficult. When I'm at home, it's pretty much the same, plus a few moments of shared intimacy, week-ends of shared community, and a few notes left on the kitchen-counter or the bed's pillow to serve as loyal proxies.

What if she's the next one getting raped? What if she's suddenly feeling lost?


you are only gone for a week. Dhe dhould make enough money that she could stay in while you are gone. No?

it's not my place to tell her to stay at home while I'm gone, don't you think?

It's her life and her business and she manages both the way she wants. Of course I sleep better if I know she's not working while I'm gone.

Call me a paranoid, sometimes when I'm away, I get concerned like a mother with her kids :)

@Natalie: And thanks for following, by the way :)

hmmmmm I dunno. It just seems selfish. I have read all your blogs and it doesnt seem she cares much about your feelings....or i guess thar she isnt willing to compromise (sp?)

dont get me wrong, obviously i do not know your or your G...Im sure you love her for many MANY reasons I will never know...

Just an observation

Gosh, I don't want to seem judgmental, because I'm new to your blog, and just starting to understand what is obviously a very complex relationship.

But my first impression of your relationship is that it's very one-sided and co-dependent.

Your whole post is all about taking care of G., and there's nothing in it that suggests that G. is taking care of you.

What do you get out of this relationship? What makes it all worthwhile? And what do the people who know you and love you the most think about it?

gee, I hope not all my post give this impression that she doesn't give a crap about me.

I think you're right with the dependency, but I think it's a co-dependency.

Let's think of it rationally, as like Natalie said, I probably cannot explain the feelings:
-considering the money she can make, why would she stay with me?
-considering what we both have to loose in her getting caught escorting, why would be bother be a danger to one another?

@Natalie: Wow, you read everything??! I'm touched.

But I still think the selfishness would be in me commanding her to do as I want. Not that it never should happen in a relationship. You have to at least to say what you want for the other to take it into account.

And I didn't get the "(sp?)" thing?

@Don't be a Slut:
I really hope my posts don't give too much this image of me caring for her endlessly while she doesn't return any of the favors and doesn't do any effort. Must be how I write, and my point of view.

I'd say I compromise more than her, and I had to go through a lot for her. But on the other hand, I think she's worth. We're worth it, simply. And considering the f*cked up past she had, it's only understandable that she's a defensive and sometimes somewhat emotionally disturbed person. And it's just a shame that:

1) no one ever cared to try to help her

2) all her previous boyfriends treated her like shit (most of them without even knowing about her job, which makes me pretty sad to think it would mean that many men are like this), and all her previous girlfriends never ended up being significant either

3) that 1) and 2) forced her to be so resistant to change now that she cannot let go easily of this behavior.

What makes it worthwhile for me is the connections we have. we share similar interests, though we have sometimes really different tastes. We have really similar personality, just hidden behind two different-looking shells.
I never went through such problems for anyone, and I never took that many chances for anyone before (maybe we took too many and we're just making a mistake, but it doesn't feel like it).

She also is one of the very first person to whom I truly opened, and who understands me. Maybe, from a more external point of view, you will say that it's exactly what makes me think everything's so great when it's not. She just has this ability, and uses me with it. But I don't think so.

And yes she cares for me too. At great length. Though maybe because of the orientation of the blog that doesn't show up. She ditched a lot of clients for me. She changed the rate at which she sees clients per week. She changed bits and pieces of her behavior to be less defensive (maybe that's not that much of a good thing). She changed the services she offers, and though it might not sound like it, between her studies and that job, she is much more here for me than when she didn't bet on our relationship.

Yes, I guess she's still being careful. After all if it breaks, I know her secrets, and she is used to a lot of people running away or using her or blaming her, so it doesn't struck me as unnatural that she would want to preserve some independence for the time being.

Thanks for your thoughts.

(sp?) means I am not sure I spelled the word correctly :)

ahah, OK, I thought it could be that, but as I didn't see any possible mistake, I thought it probably was something else:)

Guess I'm getting old, I don't talk the kewl talk anymore. Grand-pa's getting senile.

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