Her Silent, Inner Sea of Tears  

Posted by H in

Some escorts have no problem going about their sex-work. They enjoy it plainly. Some have favourite activities and clients. Other just hate it with a passion, but are in it for the money or any other reason good enough to have them endure it.

As I said in earlier posts, G. happens to like her job, from time to time. Mostly on a social level. She likes the attention, is scared to death of aging, likes to be in the spotlight, with people crawling at her feet. She likes the momey, the drugs, the swingers' parties. But she doesn't like to be objectified by clients, by agencies who make her feel like shit because she didn't change her haircut in 2 months or hasn't bought a new super-expensive skimpy outfit in 2 weeks. She doesn't want that. She wants the fun, and wants and deserves to be seen as just a girl providing sexual services, but no illusion of glamour. That, she only wants in parties.

She does enjoy the sex with some clients. These exceptions are mostly her regulars, because she's more relaxed with them, and because they became regulars for that reason: she can have a good time with them. She is quite addicted to sex, and that part of the job is not that bad for her. She won't necessarily enjoy every session, but it takes her sexual tension down, and she likes it just for that. It's a good enough reason.

But emotionally she struggles when she's dating someone. It was a nightmare in the past for her apparently, and it broke her almost completely when she was dating me. She was actually really relieved I found out. Scared shitless that it would mean the end of our new-born relationship back then, because she didn't want that to happen, but incredibly relieved that the secret was gone. And even more that I didn't make a scene and could accept it just as it is, without imposing changes, or at least no radical ones (leaving in the middle of our *planned* activities is now out of the question :)). She has less problems with it now, though it still eats her inside a little, as I can see.

But when she has no attraction whatsoever for the client, no built-up sexual tension, she has a hard-time acting on the job. She'll say herself that in such cases she would probably more often that not provide a mediocre service, just because she can't be bothered, and that way the client won't show up again. Lots of escorts would say this is a very bad way of dealing with it. She didn't use to be like that. She used to be able to shut of completely, and let things happen, pretend, and scream. Not being really in the moment, but acting on it on instinct. Following an habit she developed. But now, she's actually back to the way she was when she first started: she's hating it guts. And when she's in bed with clients, and she can't get her mind around making it enjoyable for herself, she'd just like to plunge her nails in their skin, scream, and cry. That's how she describes it: she's dead and screaming in her head through the session.

This is pretty horrible for various reasons. First, not that many clients like "a dead fish", as they poetically describe the attitude of escorts who just lie on the bed and do nothing, just waiting for them to get it over with. And that could have a bad impact on her virtual reputation. But she's not that gone, not that bummed. Otherwise that would be a complete nightmare. But it's frightening to think that being in a relationship made her lost grip of what made her strong enough to do this fully, and without caring. I feel like I broke something, and no matter how touching it is for me to think about it, considering it means I matter to her, it's creepy to think that now I make her job even more awful to deal with than usual. That I turned a part of the she-wolf into the normal princess she used to be.

And when she comes home at night, exhausted, I feel like I can see and hear these tears and screams, and that she just silently ploys under them, and sacrifices even more than what she used to. She actually sacrifices now, whereas before it was part of her atmosphere, of her life and lifestyle, of her.

I feel not only responsible for not taking her out of this, but also for changing her in ways that affect her, and without knowing if this a more of a positive or a negative outcome.


that is very very sad =(

lots of things are very sad, it doesn't mean you should forget all the beautiful things because of this.

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