My Vitality  

Posted by H in

I feel completely off lately, it's just insane. Don't you just hate these periods where you know that you feel like shit only because *you* bring it on you with you personal behavior, but you just can't snap out of it? And you *do* know that you would just have to get up and shake all these dark thoughts off your head and move, get active and think positive, and it would go away in a few days.

But you just don't. Misery likes company, and when you feel miserable, there's a pervert part of you who decides you want to stay this way. Like when you're angry and you know it's useless but you *want*, deeply just *want* to be angry. Because even though being angry is annoying and kills you, it feels just sooooo good to be angry.

These are the periods where you are unable to control yourself and cope out of bad conversations with dignity. When your interlocutor says something you could mock, and you know it would be uncalled for and unhearted to say anything, you still just say it. Deep down you don't want the fight nor the embarassment, but you just have to say that mean thing, and here it goes, Hell breaks loose, and your anger and frustration rush kicks in. Raaaahhhh, lovely feeling.

I've been feeling like I don't achieve much for 2 days, even wondering if I should completely turn my career around, or change my career for that matter. Even wondering about my relationship. Even wondering about why I write here. Wondering about therapy. Couples counseling, personal psychiatric support, everything.

But as usual, when I think that sort of thing (it sounds overly dramatic, doesn't it? Well it is, I am a dark person but not a disturbed one, and I don't let myself get fooled by temporary mood-swings), I just need to go to bed and tell me it's all OK, just a sad thought, and the next morning everything will be OK.

This post itself follows that pattern: it started moody and ends up optimistic. Yet I don't why, I feel a bit uneasy at the time.


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