My Night on the Watch  

Posted by H in

G. is working again tonight and as it happens I have nothing better to do than to sit in front of my computer and stare at my screen with a blank (and probably dumb) look on my face while waiting for her to come home.

I am going to work early tomorrow morning but I can't get myself to sleep (I have recurrent problems with this), and though I could work on various things right here right now for my company, or work on personal projects of mine, my head doesn't seem to be in a condition where it's prepared to be productive in any way. I just can't do anything good tonight.

I tried to read but I couldn't concentrate on what I was reading. My mind kept constantly drifting away to think about articles I had read lately on escorting laws in the world, and the recent trend in trying to take down sex-slavery and sex-trafficking networks.

I settle for the worst time-waster possible ever: my TV. But needless to say, there's not so much on TV. That is not debilitating, that is. Though at least it does not require any concentration of any sort, but it does not really procure any satisfaction either.

Finally, I figured I could also work on this blog like I said the other day, but I am stuck with technical issues that I can't work around at the moment and will need more heavy work in the future. And starting tasks such as killing a fly with a shotgun in the middle of the night is rarely a good idea, except if you want to break everything down to pieces. As they say in the american "How I Met Your Mother" TV show (which is actually one of the shows I happen to like to watch once in a while), "nothing goog happens after 2AM".

So I am more or less sitting on my couch with my laptop and a cup of tea, trying to figure out what to do with myself. "I just don't know what to do with myseeeelllffff!!!"

Sorry. I got carried away. As I thought of it I played in on my MP3 player.

Anyhoo... I've got nothing to do and thought maybe I could try what some call creative writing (the persons saying there words being the writers) and others a sorry attempt at boring people out of their minds (these persons being the readers, obviously).

So far, it doesn't look that good, but let's try to get the ball rolling. Give me a gentle push.

G.'s on an out-call she left for 2 hours ago, with a guy she doesn't really know but who accepted to pay the agency extra for her based on her good reviews. So after dinner she changed into a more skimpy enticing outfit, put on some makeup, told me not to wait and aimed for the door.

She should be out for another 2 hours at least (4 hours out-calls are not really an habit, but if Mister John is paying, then it's all good), and the agency wanted her to take another call after that one, and she might actually not even be back before I have to leave for work. So bear with, I might ramble here for quite a while, as you can see. Feel free to doze in the back or escape right now.

As weird as it may sound, sometimes I like these times. Yes, these times, when I'm waiting for her, that she's out f*cking someone else, letting them do things to her and getting paid for it. These times when, without any control over actions, I can only sit tight, worry, and wait.

But these times are part of our routine, which I already described here. There is, at least for us, some sense of normality. It probably sounds crazy to people just starting relationships with escorts, ridiculously names to sex-workers and their clients who might think I'm a tool, and just plain weird for everybody else who must think it's just as horrible as horrible can be to consider "normal" to wait in the middle of the night for your significant other while she's prostituting herself.

I guess it is. But it's funny how relationships evolve, you know. There's that period where you think every tiny little detail counts, where everything is a the same time so dangerous and so safe, so enchanted. Then there's that period where you think you're just flying and nothing can stop the both of you. And then time passes on and at some point, without having ever taken notice earlier, you realize how things have changed on the surface. Ground and basic things are still the same, but a crowd of tiny little things have changed. The people are the same, the relationship is the same, but it's like all the things that use to be in a background and give some color to everything have now faded away and look even further back on the picture.

There are days where I think our situation is depressing. I have known G. for quite a while now, and though our goal is to have her stop doing this at some point, she's still doing it right now, will still be doing it tomorrow, and might still be doing for an indefinite while longer.

Why? Because I cannot help her? Well I could, or at least financially. Though things are tight, they're looking better than ever before. But they don't look good enough without having to go through huge changes if she stops her job. But I guess we're getting there. We used to be a "separated couple", living together, but still having our own adventures. That doesn't really happen anymore, and the "adventures" are led jointly. So for that and many other things, we don't really need financial independence anymore. And we feel more and more comfortable together, and though we have an endless list of fights are everything, we also have an endless list of things for the days to come. So we might as well share everything, life- and moneywise.

But G. doesn't really want to. She says she started this herself, and that she brought it upon me, all this, this complicated mess. And that she wouldn't feel good about not managing to end it herself. She got into it to help herself, she needs to get out of it for the same reasons, and terminate the cycle. Which is a very valid reason in my opinion, and I have a hard time opposing to it. But on the other hand, I just don't care much about honor, and she could just accept my help, take the hand I and other outreach, and flee for ever this life.

But maybe she also doesn't want to. She has the feeling the chapter's not over yet. In what sense I don't know. Of course I outlined countless reasons here why people cannot get out of this business easily, willingly or not. But maybe she also simply likes it. Terrible thought. Probably just a thought. Or maybe with a pinch of truth on
it. Like some readers told me, get real, she probably just enjoys the sex. Or others say that I'm just a complete looser and that "[my] girl is wearing the pants and just bitching [me] around".

Anyway, she's got her reasons, some unfinished business, and sometimes as much as you'd like to help people, even against their own will, it might be better to let things roll and let time play its healing game. My take is, she'll be ready when she is, and we have enough intimacy and trust now for me to be confident in her judgment and knowing I'd do whatever it takes if she needs it, or sit quiet if she wants it that way.

So here I am, sitting quiet. And waiting.


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