My Protection, Her Self-Defense  

Posted by H in ,

Sarah just wrote an interesting post [Don't Feel Sorry for Us Please] about how she thinks that escorts are not anyone's to rescue.

Her blog is probably one of the blogs I follow the most. She writes regularly, has an interesting point of view, and doesn't really try to romance everything sh writes. It is spontaneous.

However, something often bugs me a little with her blog and the trail of comments she leaves online. Sarah apparently enjoys her job a lot. And I think this is very good for her, and actually a very good thing that she manages to like it. And getting paid for something you enjoy is something I consider everyone should strive for, if you don't want to get yourself worn out.

But she has sometimes some of these vindictive attempts at justifying her doing, which look a lot like they are part of a campaign to both have the world come around and get her idea that escorts *all* enjoy what they do, and maybe to persuade herself that things are OK. I am not in her head anyway, and I won't go any further in any sort of analysis. I consider she probably has done that herself a long time ago, and she probably really mean and live by what she writes.

But that's only *her* way of life and perception of life, and I think it is always a bit strange that she seems to consider all escorts to be exactly like she is. Probably I am not reading her blog well, and one has to just consider that her posts and comments apply to escorts working in the same conditions as her, and that when she writes something on the behalf of other sex-workers, the "we", and "girls" in her mind do not reflect the whole population of this business.

Still, she sometimes surprises me. Though I understand her point of views, they happen to not reflect at all the reality of the sex-workers I know and they describe to me.

Of course with the internet, not being at all the open-space of free speech and personal expression that we imagine it is, it is always hard to make a distinction between what is real and what is not. After having been reading a lot of blogs, articles and forums, and having been talking on IRC channel extensively on the subject, I have no doubt that what some of the sex-workers write online doesn't at all reflect their reality.

But it is completely understandable, especially for the ones using the internet as a medium to advertize their services. You cannot expect from an escort to say on her blog all the horrible things that get her depressed, if that blog is linked to her commercial website.

So the trend is pretty easy to recognize. The completely anonymous blogs have more value to me. Of course, most of them *are* technically anonymous, as you don't know the real persons acting behind them. But you can associate a lot of them to an image, a person embodied behind the keyboard.

When a blog or any other online communication medium is relatively detached from any connection to tangible persons, I happen to have much more trust in its views. Because they are not limited by the fear of losing clients and hurting other people's feelings, and neither are they driven by the need to appeal to the audience (or at least not commercially).

On the other hand, blogs that are linked to a commercial counterpart, or that can be associated with one in any way, always tend to be more ... epic. The stories are more enticing, the comments are more oriented.

Where the blogs of the previous kind reflect anger, hate and tears (but also passion, love and laughters) the ones of the second are less personal (of course) and will either be limited to general or merchandised views on the business, or stories in regards to their activity. But without any other real content, coming from the heart.

It is also easy to notice the difference between a blog written by a sex-worker working within the protection of an agency, or by a loner or freelancer. As I said above, the freelancer needs to promote an image. The one working for an agency can be detached from the job, as the agency provides anonymity.

Of course, and to avoid doing the same mistakes than the ones I blamed Sarah for, I have to say this probably isn't either an accurate depiction of the whole escort-blogosphere. Cases vary, people are different. It depends on their character, their experience (the protection of the anonymity might be learnt the hard way), their working environment. An escort working for an agency might also have direct contacts with regular clients, for instance. Thus, it becomes personal. But if it does, then this client is not "only" a client anymore and is entitled to see part of her more personal thoughts, and she might allow him to do so if he reads her blog.

Anyway, back to Sarah's post.

She acknowledges that some have an easy getaway with life and don't have to struggle as much as some others. I felt a touch of bitterness in that part. It's true, some people are born lucky, rich, and with the assurance of being taken care of for the rest of their existence. It's life.

She also says some girls will get sucked into this business, and thus acknowledges a certain destructive aspect of this industry. Therefore she acknowledges some girls *might* need, if not saving, at least some help. Actually I don't think most of them need it either. It is like other things in life: the majority of people get by just fine. I don't look at escorting any other way. There's nothing particularly *special* about escorting and its actors. That's also a really common trait of escorts' blogs. Either they consider their job with a complete lack of praise, thinking it is "just" sex-services, or they put themselves on a pedestal and think there is something so miraculous and exceptional in the nature of their job, on an emotional and mental level. I think it's neither. It's in-between. It's grey, like most things are.

Some drug addicts don't need saving and will be fine on their own. By getting out of it, maybe. But they might also keep smiking their brains out and still be fine.
It is the same when you are in a difficult financial situation.

You don't need saving, and you shouldn't rely on anyone else to save you. Ever. Whatever you problem is.

But there is no point in rejecting help and sympathy. Except if you just want to build a concrete shell around you. Which is OK (I do that), but you should be aware that, if it comes to the worst, and the shell starts to crack, it will take you down.

In the end, if I read Sarah's post with a different perspective, she starts by speaking on behalf of all the girls, and the more the post goes on, the more it appears she's only speaking for herself.

And the more I read it, the more I think that yes, she doesn't need saving and it doing everything good. She seems to be a great mother and she did what she wanted to do and had to do.

But then, how come so many posts are filled with negative remarks ? How come she needs to claim she doesn't need saving and then complains in other parts of her blog about all the little things that bug her ?

I don't know who Sarah is actually targeting in this post. At the beginning I thought it to be men in general. In the end it seems it's only client who take an interest in her and pity her. If it's the second, I'd agree 100% with her. If it's the first, probably not that much.

I don't see here any macho/feminist debate. This doesn't come from a vision that men are supposed to be there to be saviors in women's lives. I don't live by tis idea. I just happen to be with someone I love, and I *want* to help her, without her needing it or asking for it. Yes, G. was just fine before me. But she's feeling better now with me. And maybe it will break, and then she'll find something even better. Or it'll work and then it would appear the support was appreciated.

I support financially. She makes way more than I do in a short period, but she cannot do it too often. And she wants to stop. There is something to plan for the future, and that's where I might help, especially considering I will be making a lot more soon.

I support emotionally. I don't necessarily want to interfere with her management of her sex-job. But I am here when (and not "if") it is necessary. In various ways. It can either be by listening to her and letting her unload all the crap had to go through. But it can also be by doing the complete opposite, and giving her, for the time she spends at home, a completely different vision of the world she lives in. By not talking at all about something bad, sometime you still manage to make it all good.

I support her in all the ways I can. But I am not saving her. She does that just great. But there's nothing wrong with making it easier. And though I am really careful to not have her rely on me too much (I'd be glad to, but if we were to part way, I want her to be - almost completely - back to her old self), I offer my help, directly or indirectly, every single time I get the occasion.

She has built herself the type of "shell" I was referring to before. She has a really violent way of protecting herself actually, and of severing connections with people who have failed her. That's one way of protecting yourself. It allowed her to go through a lot. But always alone. Yes it's a good thing she got out of them alone. It's a sad thing that she's got no one to turn to. Not any real friends she can rely on, being 100% sure of how far they'll go for her.

Personally, I can count my "real" friends on one of my hands. By real friend, I mean one where I can be completely certain (or as close as it ever can be) of what they'll do for me if I ever need it. It's a good thing to know you have this, that you have backup.

Some of her friends *need* the rescue team. Yes, it happens. Some really need it. Back to our drug addict example: some will just go down in a spiral leading them straight to disaster and self-destruction.
Some of her friends are in this case. One of her colleagues is a 17 year old, she's completely lost, has been on the job for 6 months, and is starting to go down. She needs saving right now. And we try to help.
Another one, who is a freelance, just got a share of bad reviews, and had demeanors with law enforcement agencies. Her family is tearing apart, and she feels like she doesn't know what to do anymore. I am sure she'll be OK, eventually. Though why go though everything alone and make the effort last longer ?

To pretend "girls" in general don't need saving is like thinking all cops are violent evil, or all christians are pro-life, or all politicians are liars, or all artists are flaky, or all skinheads are vandals.


After a conversation about men who disrespect our time followed immediately with "wow, this is the best paid customer service job- how many people around here make even 200 a day?"... I laughed with another lady over how we have two minds about this, at the same time. She wants to get out of this quick, I have atleast until May when my lease is up, and yet... we both love it at the same time we have plans to leave it.

When experiences with clients are "good-amazing", escorting is a drug (men paying and treating me well AND giving me cash- what a freakin trip).... when someone even accidentally is thoughtless, and it happens to catch a sore spot in a vulnerable moment, escorting can be a chore.

I understand the twinge of bitterness in Sarah's writing about falling into being taken care of... it's what women are raised to want, and you always envy those gals who seem to have what you lack. I'm sure women envy me- I was raised very poor, but I got piano lessons. It depends on where your soft spots are and what frame of mind you're in.

Public blogging is such a risk/gain... for me, blogging period under my escort ID in a small town, was too much of a safety/discretion risk. I exposed myself on the internet and dated too much before deciding to charge for it :) I may blog publicly again, more honestly, in extreme anonymity after I think very thoroughly and in detail about the what-ifs and hows.

I believe that the one thing that all escorts who blog have in common is that they are perversely driven to self-express and document their journeys thru this often isolating life-decision to charge for dates.

I wouldn't say it annoys me that Sarah says she enjoys her job so much. I do take that assertion with a pinch of salt, anyway, given that her blog is open to her clients. However, it is entirely possible that she does. Every escort/sex worker is different.

I like her blog because I don't get the feeling that she sugarcoats things for the benefits of her clients. She openly admits that the business can be tough and, if I'm not mistaken, she just came back to escorting after a relatively lengthy "straight" period.

I don't read many escort blogs, but I find her blog refreshing because she talks about being a mother. Most of the other escort bloggers out there seem to be young, and just write drivel about the "exciting" sex they're having. I admire Sarah for writing about her experiences as a mother.

Thanks your your comments. Sorry I was out for a while.

yes, I completely agree with you on the "drug" effect. I actually blogged about it a few days prior to this post, in "Her Addictions and Rejections" [].

And yes, the impact of the social context and education goes a great deal when it comes to living through the looks of others.

Which brings us to the blogging: there are 2 ways of thoughts. As long as you are anonymous, you are free to say whatever you want and it will (or at least "should") only be judged only in regards to what you are actually writing. Not the person you are, or claim to be. But, blogging with an identity gives credibility. And building credibility when you are anonymous takes time, and eventually you can always be discarded as a valid source by the academia. It means that, in the end, your opinion will never be accepted as a reference, maybe only, at the very best, as a possible window to the minds of your generation and your society. But with a warning notice on it.
Unfortunately, some jobs or situations force you to blog anonymously. I think this one surely does.

I think escorts who are doing business online and want to have private thoughts should have (at least) 2 landing points: their professional website, and their own secret garden, where they could really share their feelings, bitch, moan, laugh, cry, scream and throw flowers at who and what ever they want.
And if blogging is a commercial tool, then they should have a professional blog linked to their website. But they should never ever link the job-related sites to the critical ones, as tempting as it can sometimes be.

@sluttly mcwhore:
the fact that she would say she enjoys her job doesn't really disturb me. I actually think it can be completely normal, for reasons underlined by liz in the previous comment, and also because it is just a matter of taste and how you deal with it. How you look at yourself and others, and evolve within this business (if it is a business for you).

Also, I agree on the influence of commercial activities on blogs. This is just simple public relations too. It is often, consciously or not, how things go.

and indeed, I also like Sarah's blog for the same reasons and the fact that she gives a different take on the job that lots of other blogs I am following. But it also confuses me a little sometimes.

oh well, these were just a few thoughts I had the other day.

Hi! Are you interested in getting a template/ banner/ header/ logo/ business cards/ mascot designs for your site for no money, in return we require text links from your site Approaching you through this form since I could not find out the email address. Please get back to me if you are interested.

Name: Joe Nathan

I tagged you in a meme at

Don't hate me!

I've been reading for a while, but never commented. I noticed you haven't posted for a while, so I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Hope all is going well (or at least relatively well!)

thanks for reading (and commenting and asking about us:-)).

I have not been posting much lately because there simply wasn't much to post about for us.

There were a few topics I wanted to post about but I rarely had the time to cover topics at great length, so I prefer to pass opportunities rather than to blabber without goals.

But I have a lots of things I want to write about (about me and G, our past, and things I have been reading on other blogs lately), and I'll do it soon.

Thanks again for asking ;-)

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