Her Friend's Rape (2), My Fears and Disgusts  

Posted by H in , ,

This long post is partly on the matters of rape and sexual violence in general, and on sexual violence in the escort business.

As I wrote earlier, one of G.'s friend got raped a few days ago.

It is sad that I had planned to take G. on a vacation almost at the same time, as she probably needed support, but she (G.'s friend) is currently being followed by a psychiatrist and went on to live with her parents for a while.

We got some news from her, and she seems to be doing fine. That's about it for the "good" news. She's OK, and though she still is depressed she apparently has a good time with her family and friends.

The ugly side of the story is that she is scared of going out, and that it will probably take her a lot of strength and time to recover completely mentally and emotionally. How long will it take until she feels comfortable enough again to go out in a bar like she did that night ?

And what will happen, when she finally hooks up again with someone ? Whether it's just for a passionate one night stand or while she's on the quest to find Mr Right ? How will she react the first time he touches her ? The first time he asks her for something she doesn't want to do ? How bad will it be it Mr Right reveals himself to be Mr Bad or even Mr Evil ?

Right now, though she's overwhelmed with the love and support of relatives, she's just a shell of a girl. A girl in her early twenties, who tries to cope with what happened, and struggles to make a reality check. Who believes she's also responsible for this mess.

She feels responsible for being raped. That's a common reaction, probably because that is such a shocking and unbelievable experience that you are brought to think that you surely must have messed up something for this to happen in the first place.

She did nothing. OK, I'd give you this, she's not the stereotypical innocent girl. She might be in her early 20s, she's already dated quite a few guys (and girls), has had a few ONS and some serious relationships going on.

She's no stranger in the emotional wasteland.

Also, she can be really kinky when she goes out partying and she surely comes out aggressively to lots of guys. Still, that is just fun. Of course I see this from the other side of the mirror, and having had girls doing this to me, boy, do I hated it... I am sure some people like it, it's just fun and part of the game. That's a seduction dance. Follow me and I'll run away, run away and I'll follow you.

But if you're not the party boy kind... well yeah let me tell you that's just annoying and even a bit cruel. But what in Hell gives someone the right to do this ? I mean, to go on and rape her, force her into something she doesn't want to ? Especially when things were going well and he could just have gone home or somewhere with her, and they could have just done that in a non-destructing manner.

That's probably what was going to happen. And if it hadn't, they would have kept in touch. The usual thing. Here's my number, give me a call, hey wanna go out sometimes ? That sort of scenario.

In the end, it still leads to bed.

They could have hooked up for a night, or longer. Have sex, and take parts. Why would that guy flip and suddenly turn like this ?

I can hear various people talking to their screen while they read this post.

Some will say she's probably partly responsible for being too open and suggestive. That's a load of crap. Yes it opens the door to naughty thoughts, yet everybody should (and has to) be able to control these. Without entering into any philosophical debate on the supremacy of Man over animals or anything of the sort (which I don't necessarily agree with in the first place), it appears dead clear and simple to me that nobody should ever force anyone into anything.

I also hear the ones cursing the great evil of the drugs (alcohol, cocaine, shit, you name it). I'd support the stream of thought saying they can lead to negative behavior. But only if you weren't educated in the first place to deal with them. In the end, the alcohol cannot be held responsible for the guy who drinks it, nor can the joint be held accountable for the guy who bought and smoked it. This is just backwards.

This guy just went astrange with society for a few minutes and decided "to Hell with the f*cking rules! I wanna f*ck this hottie right here and right now. And I want her to hate it and be the only one to enjoy. For once I want to be the only one to take benefit from one of these everyday-life's mini-trades".

I have no patience with rapists. I wouldn't crack their skulls open either, as it goes against too many of my beliefs, but rape is an act that often inspired me a really profound disgust. I am a really forgiving person, and I can understand lots of things.

I'll be able to rationalize the rapist's way of thought and errors. I won't be able to counter-balance anything else with does with his wrong-doing when he rapes someone.

I can debate the value of dropping a nuclear warhead on Hiroshima. I can understand Churchill's horrible and inhumane decision to have Dresden bombed and destroyed in the middle of WWII even when everybody knew there were no enemy troops in this marvellous city. I can see the end and the means, and though I condemn these acts, I can still admire other things the perpetrators have done. I can find a balance, an equilibrium between a Good and an Evil. Nothing is utterly black or white, and I can just consider one deed without holding the grudge for another.

But with rape, I simply cannot. I cannot look at the perpetrator and tell him "I hate you for this, but I thank you for something else". I just don't want to have anything to do with that person anymore.

He ventured out of the path of society, and in such a ignominious manner, that the only reaction I can have is to ask him to still stay out of the picture.

Though I know I'd eventually find forgiveness, as I cannot close my eyes on anyone if they turn out in a good way.

But it will be hard. Hard to accept a person as part of my system, who decided to force a defenseless girl into a shameful submission to his higher physical power. Hard to accept someone who puts strength above reason, and pain above pleasure. Someone who simply has no consideration. No control.

Anyway, she'll be getting better. You can find good things in everything, and even here. She'll be stronger, and more careful. But on the other hand, if you lose your confidence and your sense of security in leaving with your fellow human beings, how sadder can it get ?

G. called her from our hotel and talked to her for 2 hours. They were both crying for a good half of the conversation.

This brought me to think, while I was trying not to eavesdrop and concentrate (apparently very poorly) on my book, in the horrible heat of the autumn night (gee, glad we didn't come here for the summer). How destroyed would G. be if this happened to her ?

Would she be more or less vulnerable because of her job ? Would it make it easier for her to get over it ? Would she be able to tell herself what happened is just an even darker and negative extension of what sometimes happens with her clients ?

Or on the other, would it just push the buttons a bit to hard, and throw her off the fence ? Would it be the last straw ?

Would she also feel responsible for it ? Would she think it is a "normal" reaction to her life, and deserved treatment for the person she is and has been ? Would that make her see her whole life in a dark light and lose respect for herself ?

As an escort, she sometimes struggles to come to terms with herself. There was a time where she told me she hated herself for what she did. And others where she seemed unbreakable and certain her situation was a normal element of life and society.

One could argue that a single doubt legitimates everything and is the proof of her wrong-doing in being an escort. I'd agree if we lived in Utopia. But we don't.

I've read online blogs of working girls. Lots of them. And I find this ambivalence, ambiguity and duality in each and every one of them.

No matter if they are the type preaching the values of their jobs and claiming all responsibility and pride in doing it or if they are the ones who send cries for help on their blogs to exteriorize their sadness in regards to their way of life. In the end, not a single one of them would tell to a new girl asking them how it is and if they could get into the business that they should join it without a mere afterthought.

Except maybe a few bitter ones who would lose control too, in a moment of despair, and decide, like our rapist above, that they want to be the only ones getting something out of the situation. Or at least the ones not losing anything. And they think "the Hell with that girl, I did it and I'm OK, so can she", and tell them it's fine and even rewarding. Financially, sexually, emotionally and socially.

Which might even be true, purely pragmatically speaking.

Then how come a vast majority of them wouldn't tell it this way ?

How come a vast majority of guys in my situation would turn their backs on them ? (not that I'm saying no escort can ever find anyone, but there's be some bug turnover).

Is this because we are trained and educated by the legacy of centuries of social memories, where women's authority was, for the bigger part, publicly undermined, and privately praised ?

Or is there a definite, valid reasoning that brings people to judge, in their wisdom, these facts and situations as "unjust" or "unethical" ?

Does that mean I am on the other side of the river, and am actually a member of the pimps and johns I dislike, by indirectly supporting their business, in that I acknowledge G.'s way of life and support her ?

Back to the topic of sexual violence. Escorts have to deal with it frequently, whether they are freelance or working for agencies. It's the same for girls working in brothels, and street-girls.

Again, the lecture of working-girls' blogs is evidently instructive, and you'll almost always come across at least on post of them giving a story of a really bad encounter with a client, who couldn't control himself and kept doing things they asked him not to do, or doing them to wrong way. Who got "carried away" and lost control. Or their temper.

Is this also the result of an education based on centuries of domination and the perverse effect of an early sexual education based on men-directed porn movies ? This is also a very debatable topic, as I know heaps of women who are definitely more aggressive and violent in bed that other men. But where does it come from ?

Let's be silly for a sec, I was already too depressing today.

Maybe, if bars and brothers and escort websites could have a sign saying "we provide professional service to educated people". Johns should get a certificate of good conduct, which can be revoked on any occurrence of wrong-doing, and for a long period. A "Fucker's License".

But that would make it all too personal and open the gate to really partial judgments, and maybe take some people out of business. It would require an ethics committee to grant the certificate and validate the john's behavior and rule the escort's judgment at the end of a session. That would be too messy and time-consuming.

Whether violence is and can be justified, I guess they don't have so much of a choice but to accept its fatality. Like accepting the likelihood of a stroke when you have a brain tumor or when you chain-smoke.

And that I have to accept it too, indirectly.

Be safe, those of you who are out there tonight.


Interesting... I've often wondered what I would do if something like that happened to me...

My clients have been much more respectful than those who I used to mess around with in my personal life. Simply by doing this, and charging for my time, I'm attracting a better quality of guy... and they can read "reviews" to get a good idea of what I'm open to and not. If they don't and ask for something which is off limits, they're only paying for my time and prostitution is illegal- so we never agreed to anything in the first place (I could rant about how I believe that this law actually protects escorts).

I try to minimize my risks, and I think I do a very good job at this... but there is always the "one crazy" that any woman, escort or not, risks.

If an assault did happen to me, I would not hesitate to call law enforcement and I would not hesitate to kick and scream and fight and cause a scene. A good self defense course helps :)

Violence is a choice, and since even kindergartners and low functioning mentally challenged people know that hitting someone is wrong, you can't blame it on drugs or society or whatever.

I wouldn't dare to blame it on drugs. This would be far to easy.

On society, maybe. Indirectly, society and history have a part of responsibility. An individual's behavior, though it is his own, is constrained (or not constrained enough) by the rules of his environment.

I wouldn't dare to defend the thesis of a genetic memory either, and I cannot defend as well the concept of a "social memory". But the thing is, a society evolves as a mass, based on this aggregation of culture and memory.

Without falling into the classic victim's auto-blame trap, let's dig deeper...
An individual's fault is therefore, partly the fault of the society that nurtured him. And it means that, whether I like it or not (and it is only natural to reject it, as no one wants to take blame for something they didn't do and condemn), I am also partly responsible for it. Maybe not at fault, but at least responsible.

Anyway, thanks for your comment, and I encourage you to be safe and keep trying to minimize the risk. Risk 0 doesn't exist in a lot of business... especially not in this one. Not that you should be paranoid about the "psycho-killer"-type at all times. But there's always a possibility.

Regarding the use of violence... I always consider this a last resort. I have been myself a fierce opponent of martial arts classes and the likes for a long time, not because I cannot recognize their values (for the sake of self-defense in desperate situations, the development of one's discipline and resilience, amongst other things), but because I couldn't accept their misuse and abuse, and above all because the way they were taught where I grew up went on a dangerous course which definitely wasn't the one they are intended for: showing off and developing one's strength to overpower another.

That being said, I have had the occasion to practice such arts myself, at a decent level, and I know recognize their virtues and use in such situations (and I have had my own fair share of "situations", though of a different kind).

But thinking they would be a decent line of defense against an assault is presomptuous. A *reactive* defense is only efficient if you can see the incoming attack.

Which is unfortunately not always the case in the scenarios we're concerned with in this post.
For instance, drugs can be used in bars and night-clubs, which would hinder your capacity to react, or even to recognize a threat.
Passing out drunk is also definitely not a good thing, of course...

And in the case of our friend, they happened to be two anyway.

And like I said, this was close to a very *busy* street, and she still didn't get any help. And according to her testimony, she *did* scream and kick, as you suggested you would (which is only natural).

About calling law enforcement, the same applies: you need the time (and the freedom of movement) to do it...
And a cell-phone, of course :-)

Back to your second paragraph about your clients, I completely understand your position. Indeed, in your profession (as it seems you have the same as my girlfriend), you can mostly go by the rule that "you get the clients you advertise for". The higher the rate, the stricter the rules, the fancier the neighborhood where you offer your services and the better the "feedback" you get from your clients.
Though I'd acknowledge this is in itself discriminatory, they are statistically more "well-behaved". Again, this is just social context.

But of course, even my minimizing the risk by looking at this side of things too, you can still encounter some issues.

G. herself had to deal with some pretty violent customers, who were nevertheless definitely in the "upper" category, moneywise.

She didn't do much freelance escorting, as far as I know (yet :-) ), but the agencies she worked sometimes offered the possibility to get reviewed. Or she could still be reviewed on other websites by her nickname anyway, when the agency enforced the used of one. Indeed, that probably help to minimize the risk. The fact that you are working for an agency also does: the customer is easily traceable and any deviation from a "correct" behavior can easily bring to a lawsuit (though the risk of exposure for the companies, which try to stay legally under the radar, and for the escort", are relatively high; and the impact of the risk, well you know...).

Also, if you read the 1st part of this story, you'd remember the recollection I did of one of G.'s co-workers, who got raped by a client. This happened in of the agencies' grounds, during an appointed session, booked for 4 hours at a really high rate.

Like I said in the post, the guy just said he "got carried away". He was apologetic, but he had still raped her, and without a condom. This was definitely not part of the "service" he paid for, and was clearly out of the boundaries. Yet he did it, though he was probably aware he could be easily tracked by the police.

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