My Anger  

Posted by H in

It's been a while since I wrote anything, and there's a good reason for this (there always is, isn't it ?) as I was completely swamped. And G. has been busy doing what she does, and there was nothing special and worth writing. Just the day to day life of a guy living with his escort girlfriend. That's all.

Or maybe there is something to moan about...

She's been doing crazy shifts lately and is more tired than ever, and this morning I got slightly angry at her. Actually not angry. Upset.

I felt a bit abandoned, as she's been working around the clock, like I am, but without much consideration for me. I try my best to work my ass off during the day and come back and make it up to her if I have not been really available. I don't ask her for any effort, and don't require her to do anything in particular.

Please spare me comments like "yeah, you just want her to be here and look pretty". No. I don't ask anything, I get up, kiss her, go to work, go back, buy food cook, work again at home, until she's back usually around 6 AM, try to have her relax and then we go to bed. I sleep 2 hours, and I'm up again. That has been my life for the past 4 weeks. And I'm OK with it.

My hob is fine, I make good money, so does she for the moment as she doesn't have to focus on other jobs and her studies, and everything is just fine. We even managed to get away for a lovely break 2 weeks ago. It's life, and it's OK if it's a bit rough as long as the outcomes are worth it. Even if it ain't worth it, well it's still life.

She will even sometimes come home half drunk, half baked, and pissed off and angry at the entire world, and that includes me because I happen to be the closest thing she can complain about. And that's also fine, she's going through a lot, and so am I, so I can completely understand that.

Then, how come she can't understand it? I wouldn't dare to say my job is as despisable as hers. Of course not. But my goodness, I am still doing a pretty significant effort here...

So, why didn't I get in the past 2 weeks a "thanks", a "I miss you", or a mechanical "I love you" ? She's tired and fed up. That's why. Deal with it idiot. I do.

But coming home this morning, as she passed the door and I asked her how she's been doing (and not "who", thanks), she just managed to tell me she'd been a great time, and actually a better time than with me. Fair enough, as I wrote here earlier, I don't mind her having fun on the job or fooling around with someone else. Oh and by the way, I'm an asshole and I can go f*ck myself. And off she is to the bedroom and locks the door, and I am stranded in the living room thinking, in all honesty, WTF ??

Hmmm ?

At that point I got worried. Usually that means something really bad happened, she's had tough or rough clients, or she's in one of these phases where the job manages to get to her. She has those periods where she despises herself for doing this. Still, usually she asks for help in this case. She doesn't bluntly get off at me for no reason.

After 20 minutes of waiting at the door, she finally tells me she doesn't want to see me and I disgust her. I am completely puzzled at this stage.

After a while, she relaxes a little bit, and explains that she simply can't stand the sight of me, and that if I look at her in any way she won't like I'm in for big trouble.

Okay... I'd like to understand this... I get it that the job involves sex (yes, I got that part right at least), and that it's repulsive to have to do it sometimes with scary pervert dudes or to just consider the thought you might be in the middle of a couple, or the sadness of realizing those people are sometimes even worse off than you are. And I can get it that if I look at her in a way that reminds her of all this, she'll get off, or get depressed. But geez, don't I deserve better than that ? I try not to do it, and usually when she comes back home I really rarely am in a sexy mood anyway.

I am only waiting for her and that hour of my day where she just silently eats what I prepared while I hold her is the one that gets me through the rest of my day. Or she might just go straight to bed, and usually let me cuddle her while she quickly falls asleep. Or she'll just talk about what she wants to do next week-end. That's our daily routine. This is one fucking hour. The 2 others ones are the ones where we sleep, like I said. That's all we spend together lately. 3 hours.

I felt like I would have discovered that someone robbed my home as I come back from a trip. I got robbed from my moment of light, and I don't even get an explanation for it.

Or if I got one, I don't feel it was satisfactory enough, and I don't snap at her like this when I'd have the same reasons too.

That's one lousy blog entry for an early morning.
I'm gonna kill a co-worker today, that will make me feel better.

So, you like Huey Lewis and the News ?


Post a Comment


Share |


My Girlfriend is an Escort

[ status ]