My Comments on Your Insecurities  

Posted by H in ,

Continuing my series of thoughts on things I've been browsing and reading lately, I wanted to comment on a few "cries for help" of people who just discovered their girlfriends are/were/could be/want to be escorts.

I can't say much about the last category. G. quits the job from time to time and goes back to it. It doesn't really mean she wants it. It means she wants the money. Or the sex itself, but the job itself... no. It has perks, it has a shitload of drawbacks too (if you don't see them, you need to contact a therapist to re-center your social context).

About the ones who think their girlfriends (or relatives) *could be* escorts, well there's also not much I can offer to them...

Just check. Like I said in my very first post, you have of course the gut-wrenching feeling of being an horrible person for even suggesting a person might be doing this... If she or he isn't. And you indeed messed up miserably if this scenario unfolds, but that can be fixed at some points. Or not, but there is no irreparable damage. OK if she was your girlfriend and she leaves you because that meant you had no trust in her, well guess what, she was just right. You guessed and were wrong. Now you know, she's gone, go on with your lives on your own.
Maybe you'll be back together later. Or not. There's no perfect story.

If he or she does, well you're dead on, and you can move on and see what to do. Of course, like I also said in another post, you'll set free the plagues hidden inside the Pandora's Box. Not for your partner, who'll have someone to finally talk to about it, but for you, as you might not be able to deal with the truth as well as you wanted to learn it. But still, it's a progress, and if it breaks, it just breaks.

About the ones who are dating or thinking of dating ex-escorts, get over it. It's done, stop being so insecure and if you are interested in them, how would that matter ? Sure it might be against some of your principles, if might be against your philosophy, your moral, or anything else that itches you. But maybe he or she changed.

Well maybe they also didn't. Same. If it breaks, it just has to break. Life is not meant to hurt, we're not meant to suffer, but there's no law saying thou won't feel a thing. When the doctor says something like that, it's an accepted by-law (at least if you've already been to the doctor or tricked by that lie once) that it *might* indeed hurt, and that it actually *probably* will. Similarly, I think you've all been hurt before if you're already reading it, so you shouldn't and won't get fooled again (here's to Mr Townsend) by that pitiful misconception of a great blue sky.

About the ones who are dating escorts, welcome to the club.
Feels great, doesn't it ?

Well, not so much everyday. Anyway, how's that working out for you ?

Take a deep breath, kick off your shoes. You'll have to deal with your insecurities. That's what we're here for. Here we go.

1) Your girlfriend is not necessarily a sex addict.

No. Just no. She probably enjoys it though (what do you think ??!), but can you blame her ? You probably do too.

2) Your girlfriend does have a moral and self-esteem.

Maybe not ones you can understand so far, but she does. There are reasons for this. Maybe you just don't see them, understand them, or accept them. Whatever of those 3 it might be, it's an issue. I'd recommend to address it fast.

3) Your are not the one in trouble here.

If you think you are, think again ("moron !", may I add ? No I wouldn't, I understand your problems, but I just want to shake you up a little. I'll be gentle).

She's the one dealing with this, and she's been long (or not, but whatever) before you. So she probably has some more experience to deal with this than you do (or not, again...).

She's the one who just gave out one of her biggest secrets to you. Or you uncovered it, but the consequence is pretty much the same anyway. She's the one at risk of loosing the most. What do *you* risk ? People pointing and laughing at you because you are dating an escort, a sex-worker ? Well if you are an ass, you can just walk-away saying you didn't know. Minor setback, honest mistake. Run away like a coward, leave her hanging, and you'll be fine. People will just be able to have a good petty laugh at you. Those are even stupider than you'd be in that case.

If you're not you stick with her, admit it, and you might appear to be a decent guy, maybe just dating someone possibly really kinky (they're just jealous, really), making heaps of money (jealousy again), with maybe some ethical issues pointing their noses at the front door, but that can get cleared up at some point, right ? Do your own damage control. For her, the damage is to loose family, friends, business, career goals, kids, the respect of half the world, and maybe her own as all this will make her realize she maybe did messed up when she got herself into this. Are you that blind that you can't see your problem is nothing here ?

Stop googling for things like "my girlfriend is an escort" (no wait, just keep doing this! and tell us how it's going! And without kinky details and names, please), "is my girlfriend a prostitute", and just sit back and think: "so what ?".

I'll give you this, I did it. I googled, not to know if she was one though. I actually started googling about things related to this matter after I learnt it from her. But maybe if I hadn't gotten her to tell me I would have. But I wouldn't think it's a good thing. That's just looking for a confirmation that there's something right or wrong about it, or a magic formula that for you it might have side-effects or not. Well there isn't. It's just here, the bunny is out of the magician's hat, and it's not pink and fluffy and cute, it's just a
freaking normal bunny. And it might have pooped in the magician's hat. Don't look for do's and don't's, for a good versus evil analysis.
Just go with the flow, and see where it goes. You won't see if it's good for you and her until you give it a shot.

OK that post had a somewhat dry and sarcastic take, and too many edgy parts where I was just trying to poke at you... Just give me a break, I'm having fun on vacation, I'm happy and silly.

What I'm saying still counts though.

My Easy Nature  

Posted by H in

Lately I've been reading a lot of blogs and news clips dealing with escorting and prostitution, and talking to people in the same situation as me.

Also, I received some private comments of people wondering what makes me capable of accepting my life with G. Some seem to think I am in a state of deep and constant unhappiness. I really do not see it this way (and hope dearly that I am not fooling myself. No one should ever be as proud as to think he or she is above anything).

I think I am really happy with our situation, and that we found each other. That's actually something we say to each other quite often. We are happy to have met each other, out of all people.

This is a super-cheesy line with extra cream on the top, but I can't think of a better reason for my well-being, and this is probably one element of response that defines why some of us apparently don't see the negative angle of our status.

I know there probably isn't a stereotype of the escort-boyfriend, but it seems like we all have something in common. At least the ones who stick with them.

We are just easy-going. That's a very simple way of putting it, but it's what comes out of what I've been researching lately.

Of course I didn't go around submitting a survey to people asking them to answer multiple choices and such, but I've been around and asked what people think of their own situation, and how it makes them feel.

In general the answers are always the same... They are all OK with their girlfriends doing the job. No apparent sign of strong jealousy, for instance.

Of course, all my interlocutors were not all in the exact same situation. The answers varied a little depending on how long they've been together, if she'd been doing the job before, and on their marital situation too.

There's actually an interesting curve here. The ones who are only at the beginning of their relationship with their escort-girlfriend, or who just learned of their activities, usually take it relatively well (again, I am of course talking here only about the ones who didn't directly run away and stick with them), but are really worried about future implications.

The ones who've been with them for a longer time are simply not concerned any more. They take it as a fact. They don't see it as a threat any more, they don't see it as a potential embarrassment. If they still have doubts about how their relationship is going to evolve, they don't think this "thing" will interfere anyways anymore. And the more certain they are about where they are going, the more confident they are with this state of things. The more relaxed they are about the situation, and the less anger or sadness they feel about it. That actually bugs me a little too. One the one hand I think it's a good thing because they obviously deal with the thing really well. On the other hand, isn't there a problem in forgetting the feelings that are at stake here ? Maybe there isn't if the girl is completely confident about it too, and thinks of going on forever (and I've never come across any long-running escort so far, though it might be the case, and it definitely happens with other sex-related professions). But if she's not, I think it means you are letting her down a little, unconsciously.

And then I noticed something weird. The ones who are committed to each other, by a legal or religious corpus, suddenly seem to have more troubles. Of course it would be easy to see her the narrowed mindset of people driven by the morals of a religious group, thinking this state of things cannot be deemed acceptable any more once a holy union has been sealed. However I don't think that this is the biggest point. Like I said, people with a legal-only commitment fall under this category too. The commitment is apparently the deal-breaker here.

The fact that both parts of the couple realize at once that they both *want* to commit to each other makes them abandon the principles or reasons or means that were safeguarding the situation from being seen under an evil angle. Suddenly, the partners feel uncomfortable about the whole business. Though everything doesn't still break apart. They just cope with it with more problems than they used do. Because, within this framework of durability they both built, they see again one tiny glimmer of danger for their stability in the background. As if committing was a step-back from the previous stage.

This is quite weird. Interesting too, but a bit scary for people who might wonder how things are going to be. G. and I aren't over-committed (yet). We just take things as they come and go, but definitely don't think of a future without one another. Though rationality makes it a possibility. We are probably in this frozen time frame where young couples (as in: newly formed, though not that new, but still new enough. without 15 years of history behind them. and not as in: 16 years old or anything. This can probably apply at 30 something or 40 something onwards) can't think of themselves separated but don't necessarily picture the future with both parties on the wall.

Anyway, back to my earlier subject. The common point between all my surveyed "escort-partners" are just they need to be supportive, and also a really easy-going nature. We apparently all go through a load of crap and devious ways where our ears are ringing of the screams and cries of our respective sweethearts. And we all realize one thing: if another one was doing this to us, we would just call it quits because it is just too demanding and too hard. So what makes it worth it in these cases ?

I hear idiots saying timidly in the background "amazing sex, maybe" ? That's a part of the equation, it is a pleasant factor, and no it is not related to their jobs.

I think we just all have a strange attraction for pain. Not for our own pain, but for others'. We just want to help. And whereas getting that much shit from another person would drive us crazy because there's no particular reason for it, or not a decent and valid one, with them it just means there is some understanding from our side that they just have been through more than we know. And that it is somehow sort of implied that we have to take some of it, shut up, and get on with it. Even if it's harder than what it is.

Some people say relationships should never be hard. Internally maybe not, but that would mean dismissing all the other external factors.

I am not really giving me a tap on back here and saying these people or me are godsends or saints. But really, sometimes I realize if it weren't for G., I'd just run away from this mess. And I don't mean her situation. I mean the changing mood, the constantly agressive attitude when she comes back from her work or when I come back from mine. That sort of things.

Seriously, most of the time I just come home, and her first words to me are a complain, and if it's not it would easily sound as one.

But fine, most of the time I just take it all in, breathe, acquiesce, and change the subject. If I had a miserable day myself, however, it's already much harder to take all that crap, because I just didn't do anything to deserve it.

I don't take much pride in doing this, nor do I think I'm being really good at it. Maybe it's just a pure coincidence that these escorts ended up finding these guys, who can just accept the situation. This is normal and common. A subset of humanity finding a compatible subset. Why should it be different than finding someone with the same tastes, or the same political views ? Here it's just a matter of complementarity.

We just happen to be people capable of thinking "she's doing all this for a reason, and she'll be my reason to take what's left and clean up the mess". We're just easy-going, probably close to being push-overs sometime, and just don't care about it.

People think I've no self-esteem. They're right.

I just have a profound disgust for proud people.

The funny thing, lots of escorts have loads of them as a simple and understandable reaction of people looking at them with no respect and telling them they've got no self-respect. I guess here's your balance.

And I happen to have self-esteem. Just not a high one. I don't have a high esteem of myself. I don't have a good esteem of myself. I have a specific level of esteem. That's what self-esteem means anyway: you know what you're worth. And there's no need for superlatives for this.

I'm an idiot and I'm happy.

Our Small World  

Posted by H in

It is a small world after all...

No seriously, it is.

Especially when you are an active member of particular professions. For instance, if you are a secret double agent. Or if you are cheating on your wife.

It is equally small when you are an escort.

You might bump into a friend or relative or co-worker or just a stupid idiot you happen to know while you're out there on a job with a client. As you've seen, or as you may know if you are one of these, there's always a cute little dance going on to know what to do, and how to dodge the bullets.

You might also bump into another sex-worker. Where's the problem with that ? There might not be any actually. If you're on a job, and so is the other one, you can just have the delicate recognition nod.

It is actually much uglier if it's a sex-worker who hates you and lost her job and wouldn't care to yell at you in the middle of the street like a mad person. Gee, *that* is another completely different issue, and the damage control is brought to a brand new level when that happens.

G. ran into an ex-escort from one of the agencies she used to work for in another country (I'm telling you, it's sickening how the world can be so freaking small...). Apparently things didn't go too well in that agency, and what they called an escort agency was more or less some sort of really crappy homemade-brothel, where the tenant used to spy on the girls all day, where they had to report hours and so on, and had to fight every day to preserve the little intimacy they could have. They even tried to force them into being taped to have the feeds broad-casted *live* on the place's website. In the manager's head, that would have forced the girls to always do their best, and would have attracted more clients.

Anyway, G. worked for them back then only for a short period, until she burst out and went to a more decent place. But in between she ended up fighting a lot with this brothel's management, and being the person she is (and was) she obviously didn't really state her mind in a diplomatic manner. Not that she should have anyway.

But the thing is, following her little act of anarchism and rebellion, it appears half of the girls working there followed G. on the way out within the next week. Some even went directly to the agency where she had left to, and a small group started a new brothel, lead by the girls and not a piggy pimp.

No harm in that so far, would you tell me. Quite the opposite, I'd say it looks rather noble (though I could almost understand the manager's position on the live tapping thing... ahem... but hellloooo, can you spell "unethical", "freedom" and "privacy" ?).

But all good deeds have bad side-effects, and for some girls it also meant trouble. That's what happened to that particular girl, who lost her job 2 months after this incident when the brothel closed, out of bad publicity generated by the other agencies and all the girls who had left. She was suddenly without a job, and apparently at a difficult time.

So it appears she would blame G. for this, and when fate or bad luck or whatever-your-philosophy-calls-it had her ran into G., she unloaded it all. While G. was in the middle of a crowded street with a client. And by "crowded street", let's be honest and say *the* crowded street, as in *the main street* of the city.

As it happens, I overheard a co-worker this morning telling a story about how he heard "some drunk whore starting to give attitude to some chick on the street", and how this "chick" "might have been a whore too going our with her sugar daddy", who "looked puzzled and pissed and took off with the first cab he found, leaving the second girl hanging on the street".

Oops... Now *that* is a bad situation...

Good thing for me and for G. that this guy probably was already half pissed too and probably wouldn't recognize her, as it happened fast and he didn't see her well. She tried to discreetly reason with the other girl (let's call her crazy bitch), but when she started screaming and the client took off, she just started to walk away and ignored her, and jumped into a cab as soon as she could.

But that is still a scary thought. Getting too close to be in really serious trouble twice in 3 days, that's more than enough to get worried.

Even the biggest cities can be too small after a while.

Poor G. is having a really bad time lately, between that, her friend getting raped, that bad John the other day and everything...

It's time for a holiday kids, I saved up for a while, and now is the time to call it quits for a few days. I just surprised her with 2 tickets for a romantic week in an also romantic city in a sunny country. Money well spent if you ask me, though some could argue we could save it to avoid her having to do this job. I thank those people in advance for their support and understanding, you make us feel so much better.

You probably won't hear from us for a while except a few posts on a more general note. I actually read lots of interesting posts lately that I'd like to comment on, but I couldn't get around to doing it. I'll probably have some time to do that from a sunny beach or an humble hotel room, while having the room service cater us lazy lovebirds. Or maybe we'll just go around play the tourists and I'll just stop at a cafe to drop a note.

One thing is sure, we're not too sad to leave this place for the time being, and are really looking forward to sipping a cold coke on the plane and *sleep* during a very long flight. (though there's some club G. always told me she wanted to become a member of... ahem... we'll see...)

She's packing her bags in the bedroom right now and trying on a light sundress and bikini. With a huge smile on her face. Can't ask for more.

Her Friend's Rape  

Posted by H in ,

Yesterday G. came out in shock: A friend of hers had been raped.

It had actually already happened once before. She one called me while I was away, telling me one of her old friend had just been raped in a bar.
That was before I knew for sure she was working as a sex-worker, but it dawned on me rapidly after I learnt the truth that this "friend" was in fact a "co-worker", and that the "bar" was an hotel room set up for an out-call.

So the rape - which was still a rape of course, no denying here - was not the type you might picture, where a drunk guy would force a girl in some dirty alley. But the story is similar. An half-drunk guy with obvious problems to control his *desires*, who forced the escort he hired into a bareback session, and fucked her up the ass without her consent.

An escorting job gone bad.

G. was back then pretty shocked already, but she was more in shock because she had no clue how to react and comfort her co-worker. It had never really happened to her. Some have tried, like it probably happened to a vast majority of sex-workers, to force her in more or less subtle ways, to do what they wanted and she didn't want. But she always (as far as I know), to take control over them or calm them down.

Though I realized later she was also probably shocked because it might have been her. And I also realized at that point she might have been calling to tell me about her own rape, and not her co-worker's...

But yesterday, it's a (real-life) friend of hers who actually got raped the "typical" way, the one you'd imagine. The dark back alley type. The savage up-skirt fucking by an idiot, leaving you lying in the dust at 4 AM. That, and the second rape by the idiot's friend. Her friend was out there, just having fun and having a few drinks after work in a trendy bar in our area. We were actually supposed to join her but backed away because G. got a call for a job, and I was not really in the mood anymore to go out. (Yes, I feel realllllly fine now, thinking it could have been different, had I or G. been there)

But we didn't, and she was partying wth some friends, and hooked up with some guy during the night. They apparently ended up dancing and drinking until 2, and her friends left because it's a week-day and they all have to work in the morning. But she didn't, as she was enjoying her new partner-of-the-night's company, and thought things were going well. Around 3 things got handsy and they were heading out, to the guy's place.

And as they were walking towards what probably isn't his place at all, 3 blocks away from the bar, the guy became a bit too "handsy" and started to ask her to do things decency wouldn't really allow you to do on the street. Or at least not when you are *not* in the escort business, and have slightly stronger inhibitions.

She told him to back off and keep quiet, patience is virtue my friend, thinking he was just getting a bit too carried away but not thinking bad.

And he shoved her down the alley with the help of a friend who was following them - she thought he was just another person on the street - hit her and raped her. And then the other did.
No condoms.
The usual spitting on the face, to probably look more like the bad guys in the movies, which they already are.

And they left her wimping on the ground.

She finally managed to get a grip on herself 40 minutes away, according to the time she called the police. Officers were on the scene within 5 minutes, and brought her to the nearest hospital where she made a deposition while she was being taken care of.

That's apparently when she called G. for the first time, who at this very moment couldn't answer because she was busy doing what she does. She called her again when a police officer gave her a ride home after he finished his shift. G. went right from her client's to her place (and actually realized later she didn't really have any explanation for being dressed-up, wearing make-up and coming to her place within 20 minutes, tough she called her a after 5.30 AM... "Thanks" to the shock, her friend did not realize at all).

She felt miserable and couldn't talk much and kept crying in silence, and G. didn't know what to do. I called her around 6.30 AM to check up on her and she told me she wouldn't be home soon because a friend was having problems. No I cannot help, not right now, she's OK but can't leave now. Fair enough I said, we'll talk later.

And here she was 4 hours later, the one now silently crying in my arms, cursing all the johns, the punters, the rapists, her own father, me, each and every man on earth for that matter, and any God she could think of for making men and women different and insufflating us with these weird desires of ours, and those even stronger, darker thoughts hidden somewhere under our skins. These thoughts that allow sheep in wolves' clothing to tag along on an innocent night of fun partying and send it all to Hell.

Her Lucky Day  

Posted by H in

The other day, G. accepted an out-call from a guy who sort of is one of her regulars. He actually comes regularly. Once a year. That's regular.

She actually enjoys the jobs with this person, as he acts like a real gentleman, picks her up whenever and wherever she agrees to, and always takes her to fancy places. This is one of the perks of higher-level escorting.

Of course, this is still about sex, at some point, but not always. The guy just travels a lot and enjoys some company, and though he is booking her for these obvious reasons, they also developed some sort of friendship.

I have sort of a mixed feeling about this. As usual of course because of the job itself, but also because I still wonder how you can draw a line between something professional and something close to a friendly relationship, and how you manage not to get ideas. My concern is: what would this guy, as a friend, do for her ?

If it involves just lending her some money, not doubt he will. That's not even a problem, so why would he care ? But would he get his hands dirty for her ? Would he expose himself to help her if he were to get in trouble or get caught with her ?

Probably not.

That is the difference between friendship and simple social networking.

The problem is, some people don't get these rules and happen to get hurt at some point, and in a way that leaves marks for ever.


G. was actually kind of happy about this appointment, and that would already be a good enough reason to consider this a "lucky day". It definitely doesn't happen with every client.

But the luck I'm referring too here is the one that maybe helped her not to get caught with the guy, as they were getting out of the hotel he was staying in.

As she was about to walk inside the hotel, waiting for him to pick up his swipe card at the counter until she could join him in the elevator, an old "friend" of hers, who of course doesn't know about her sex-worker activities, came out of the place.

The usual awkward moment all working girls probably live in the fear of encountering... And that some already lived a dozen times and know how to deal with.

Now I know my G., and I know she definitely has the ability to cover her tracks in this type of situations. However I also know she can be kind of ... let's say clumsy. And not always very convincing. I know that from my own experience, after all.

But she's got the necessary street-smart aptitudes.

But I could easily imagine the scene when she told me about this encounter. The little side-steps, the moment of hesitation, the quick analysis of the situation. The desire to say out of the blue the (fake but plausible) reason of you being here. But that's too bold, why would you say it. The extravagant greeting. Yep, go for the extravagant greeting "oh darling, how arrrreee you, it's been such a long time". Go for the extravagant greeting if you're with a client who knows when it's time to keep it low profile and wait while you dodge the bullet.

So she greets her old friend, who of course finally asks what she's doing here, as of course she hasn't been in this area for a while. She was just on her way to buy new shoes, because she's heading for a vacation next week.

How simple it is, isn't it ?

Of course you're leaving next week (no chance of getting asked out for a reunion), and of course you're going to buy shoes because the shoe store is exactly in the direction where your friend came from (unlikely she'll turn back to come with you). That's my girl...

And how it's getting late, she has to hurry, and off she goes, calls her client while she's walking down the street, and asks him to let her know when the intruder is out of sight.

10 to 15 minutes is barely all it takes for these conversations to take place, and for them to return to their normal lives. Back to the hotel room, back to business. And for G., 2 hours later, back to another client. And for the mystery man, back to another plane taking him God knows where, but I bet some place where another muse will soon get a similar call for a once-in-a-year regular appointment.

But 1 to 5 minutes is all it could have taken to ruin it all. 1 to 5 minutes later and her friend would have walked in on her getting *into* the elevator.

She wouldn't have noticed she was with anyone, because G. is careful and for daylight jobs she usually enforces her clients not showing any sign of knowing her. That's why she sent the guy pick up is keys first, and then they just casually take the elevator at the same time. A bit james-bond-y, but easy. Necessary too, because like I said, mister John here probably would back-off and leave her hanging if *he* was the one about to get exposed.

But still, how do you argue about being in an elevator to an hotel where you friend happens to stay and catches you on the spot ? You deny, you can say you are meeting a client who happens to be on another level, and maybe you get away with it. Probably. But it becomes so much trickier.

And not all clients are reactive to these situations as well as our mystery man here. Some even take a delicious pleasure in making it obvious the firl they're with is a sex-worker. Because they have so much self-esteem and because their own education makes them look down on them, they have fun pinning you down.

That's all it takes. 1 to 5 minutes, and a good regular. One you built a relationship with, and you have carefully accustomed to secret encounters and their by-laws, and made understand that a meeting that might go wrong can always be re-scheduled. Not that easy when it's a drunk animal calling you at off hours of the night, be it just a normal guy willing to have a good time or the junior business executive who likes to show off his drug and money. These might not be as easy going, they want it all and now.

Her Addictions and Rejections  

Posted by H in ,

A recurrent topic when it comes to the world of escorting, from what G. tells me and from what I can see from other girls' blogs, is the question of the addictions.

Plural, yes.
There are more than one, and all can be combined non-exclusively.

Addiction to sex.
Addiction to submission.
Addiction to domination.
Addiction to power.
Addiction to money.
Addiction to the lifestyle and the scene.

The addiction to sex is fairly obvious. It even has chemical foundations after all (Thanks to your endorphins and other little hormones). It might vary in strength depending on the subject, though. In G.'s case, well, she's seriously hung up on it, though she doesn't feel the need to jump on anyone passing by. But boy, she surely has a crazy sex-drive, and the thing is when she takes a break from escorting once in a while, I have to really escape from the bedroom crawling like a snake every single morning if I want to make it on time at work. And pretty much the same in the evening, if I want to get more than 3 hours of sleep. I swear it already crosses my mind to give *her* sleeping pills so that I could sleep myself.

The addiction to submission might sound obvious to idiots; to the ones who think all escorts like people telling them things like "take it all, ya biatch", "I want to spread your *ss with my huge c*ck and f*ck your mouth", also the very classic "you like that, huh ?" and sweet nothings of the sort.
(Yes, I'm not into dirty talk. Was that not obvious ?)

Yeah well, everyone has favorite games and fantasies; once in a while that might be fun, but on a daily (hourly ?) basis, I think we can assume the general acceptance amongst the girls would be "Thanks, but no thanks", and if you can refrain, please do so.

It is actually more sneaky. They might not like it for what it makes them look-like, or for the way (some of) their clients picture them. But they get simply "used" to this. That's an horrible thought. Where I would have thought at the beginning of my relationship with G. that she might not want to bring her "job" home - and I was definitely happy that way - it appears she actually want her private life to sometime be more like her job.

I don't mind in the end, role-play is not my thing at all and I am not that type of guy, but this is withing my boundaries to just rough it up a little.
I just wonder if it goes further with other people...

The addiction to domination is of course the pendant to the previous one. Whether this is a conscious mimetic or not, you also get used to this position. It's natural after all: something that is funny within a universe is probably as funny in another one. It's normal you want to keep it in both. Let's not loose too much time on this one and go on.

The addiction to power, not to be confused with the addiction to domination, characterizes both the power-trip you get of knowing you are somehow in control of the cravings of your clients. They might be the one paying, but they are still paying to get *you*.

They think you are an element of society they're taking advantage of (or having fair-trade with, depending on the persons and your opinion). Actually, deep-down, the escort might be the puppet-master. Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't dare say that escorting is the creation of the escorts themselves. Prostitutes are not at the foundation of prostitution. But there is an inversion of control here. Like a CEO can get sent back to his quarters in a board meeting if he doesn't pay attention to the recommendations of his lower-level advisors, the pimp and the client simply need the girls (or boys; you get the idea).

This addiction to power comes also from very satisfying feeling. A feeling that you better wish you have, because some don't. It depends how you've been caught up in this. Some girls are not as lucky and simply get really forced into this, but let's consider that I focus here on higer-level escorting, though I care about all levels of the pyramid in general).

This feeling is the one of knowing you are doing this thing, that some judge wonderful, some the most horrible thing, and that you *chose* to do it. May it be good or wrong, you took the responsibility for it.

I am actually really proud of G. Her profession is not the one I'd wish for her, and though she might have had other options (but I wasn't here and cannot judge), her decision and courage in this are impressive. Of course there are ethical problems (I wouldn't deliver a medal to anyone sending someone to death, even though taking this sort of decision requires some sort of courage too...), but they are not show-stoppers in this matter.
They are part of the decision-taking.

This feeling is dangerous, as you easily get prisoner of its control. You end up thinking you are better than others *because* of this. You might well be better than half the world, but it would be *inspite* of that.

Finally, the power-trip is also driven by the usual suspects. Money and social networking, which easily send invitations to other regular members of the party: cocaine, ecstasy or others drugs.

The escort business relies heavily on the corporate image of the agencies, and on the personal image of the escorts. Networking, be it internal (between the sex-workers) or external (by mingling with the clients and regulars), is a huge part of it.

I can't remember the last time G. went out and came home drunk or baked and actually *paid* for any of those. Not that it matters that much too me, I wouldn't like her paying for drugs anyway. But somehow the fact that she gets it for free is even worse, as it is one less control on its usage. It also means she is more or less obliged to her providers, and cannot refuse these offers. Or at least not too often. But I digress, maybe I'll come back to this topic later in another post.

The thing is, lots of escorts rely on a really impressive network, composed of other escorts (present and past co-workers with whom they have direct contact, remote colleagues to share bad punters' lists with and so on...), a whirlpool of agencies' and brothels' managers, and an even bigger sub-network of present and past-regulars.

The power you get out of this is hard to grasp, and surely hard to let go. It can also severely bite you in your delicate parts, and leave pretty deep scars, which may never leave... The ones one the other side of the network also have power, and losing trust gives penalties to both parties.

Finally, this addiction to power is indirectly the source of an addiction to the general escorting scene, or party scene for that matter if you are involved in a lot of out-going appointments with regulars. But if you look at it, this is not only a constant in this business, and this is pretty much the case for any kind of position (More on this take later on this post, with a slightly different approach).

However, the addictions are not the only part of the equation.

Some are more rejections than addictions though, and sometimes, when an escort wants to call it quits, it is like looking from the other side of the mirror. The addictions don't necessarily draw her back to the escort business: the rejections she feels towards her from the other world are more than enough for this.

Rejection by her friends and relatives.
Rejection by her co-workers.
Rejection by other beings for that matter.

Rejection of a 9-17 schedule.
Rejection of a less than 300 bucks hourly rate.
Rejection of another authority.

A very strange thing, is that part of this rejection is also due to the the constraint of having to provide service to other people within a working environment. Considering escorting is also a service, it hardly looks like adapting to another service-industry would be hard. It is the same general rule. Someone orders, you give. Or someone shouts commands, and you respond. Well, it just is hard. Because it's one you did not necessarily choose.

The girls who went into escorting did it for various reasons, but ultimately the final decision to step over the fence was (for the most part) theirs.

Whereas when they get back to the "normal" world (this is not only my word, as most of them call their jobs "a normal job" or a "daytime" job), they were paradoxically drawn to it non only by their own desire, but above all by the rejection they feel from others.

I find the irony of this situation at the same time utterly depressing and fascinating. Depressing because the vicious circle is... well... vicious. In all possible ways. Fascinating, because this is apparently, from my personal experience and from what I've read online, a common pattern. This spiral of self-rejection is reproduced in many occasions. And not only in the context of escorting actually. Dear reader, look back just for a sec to see if this pattern wouldn't apply to yourself. The reasons and contexts might be different, but replace the rejection of other people-spheres because of the nature of your job by another pretext (their higher social level, their different tastes...), the rejections by your own disgusts (rejection of unethical jobs, rejection of corporate barriers...), and the addictions by your own pet thieves (are you a workoholic ? a mad
geek within your own field ? a dominant little manager ? a cocaine-addicted trader ?).

It all looks pretty much the same to me.

Still, then why am I more depressed about her addictions and rejections than about mine ?

Maybe I'm just part of the system myself, or I get it all wrong.

Or maybe, even though I know the internal workings of this and how it compares to other situations, I cannot fully accept them, or at least not the way it fits in our society.
Still not too sure about this.

My Stupidity  

Posted by H in

I am a stupid idiot to think that I can even consider to grasp what she's going through and to think of comparing it to what I do.

Even if her workload is smaller than mine, she works a lot, is stressed out, and has to deal with all the other problems that her job implies. Privacy, secrecy, emotional wreckage, odd hours, the control of her agency, juggling with public transport services to go from one client to another, and also all the attention she has to give to her clients.

And at least I don't have this sort of problems.

Bottom line: I'm an idiot, and I should have snapped like I did.

She sure makes my life a bit harder in these occasions, but she also makes it so worth it the rest of the time. Next time this happens, I'll know I can skip one my happy early mornings session of just watching her sleep, and remember she just needs space.

A few people might think she also has some responsibility in this, and that's entirely true. I definitely didn't deserve this yesterday.

But I can get on with it really easily, and it's so much easier for me to forget about it than for her to switch off when she comes back from an harassing job.


Posted by H in

The "Bad John of the Day" award goes to the guy responsible to the way I felt yesterday.

That sucker bummed her all the way.

First of all he didn't find anything better than to call her for 3 hours before they meet and yell at her because she was late (but he's the one who rescheduled at a time that made it impossible for her to be on time and had her cross the whole freaking city).

Then of course he felt the urge to act like a stereotype. You know, the usual stuff: grunting, slapping, insulting... The type who in addition to this ask you to comment on what he does all the time, to tell him is the best stud ever, and to scream like someone's trying to perform an open-chest surgery on you without any sort of anesthesia.

Of course he would then start to get drunk (as in: more than he already was), force her to drink too (yeah you're not the only person she's seeing. That's hard, I know - of course I know, considering... - but deal with it and let her do what she wants as long as it doesn't concern your service), complain about her performance for the 2 remaining hours (doesn't happen often at all, and when it does it crushes her), completely ignore her when she tried to do conversation until he would be up for it again, and then start pondering again like crazy.

Finally he'd try to get some of his money back, go out of the building with her and being obvious in all possible ways about what they were doing, and end-up insulting her and commenting on her looks and lifestyle.

The perfect gentleman, indeed.

Because of this she was late for the next session too, which was much better, but she couldn't concentrate and thought herself she provided a terrible service to this guy. Who at least had the decency of *offering* her a drink, and to offer to drive her home, but she was so upset she was apparently mean to him too (she called him back to apologize during the day, and in my opinion if you reach the point where escort *call back* to apologize for what they do, there is something terribly messed up with this world...).

Therefore she walked home, fulminating, and unloaded it all on me, and she was still super upset when she came back from work today.

Pretty good score I guess, when you, a complete stranger, can manage to upset someone for 2 days in a row. Congrats.

My Anger  

Posted by H in

It's been a while since I wrote anything, and there's a good reason for this (there always is, isn't it ?) as I was completely swamped. And G. has been busy doing what she does, and there was nothing special and worth writing. Just the day to day life of a guy living with his escort girlfriend. That's all.

Or maybe there is something to moan about...

She's been doing crazy shifts lately and is more tired than ever, and this morning I got slightly angry at her. Actually not angry. Upset.

I felt a bit abandoned, as she's been working around the clock, like I am, but without much consideration for me. I try my best to work my ass off during the day and come back and make it up to her if I have not been really available. I don't ask her for any effort, and don't require her to do anything in particular.

Please spare me comments like "yeah, you just want her to be here and look pretty". No. I don't ask anything, I get up, kiss her, go to work, go back, buy food cook, work again at home, until she's back usually around 6 AM, try to have her relax and then we go to bed. I sleep 2 hours, and I'm up again. That has been my life for the past 4 weeks. And I'm OK with it.

My hob is fine, I make good money, so does she for the moment as she doesn't have to focus on other jobs and her studies, and everything is just fine. We even managed to get away for a lovely break 2 weeks ago. It's life, and it's OK if it's a bit rough as long as the outcomes are worth it. Even if it ain't worth it, well it's still life.

She will even sometimes come home half drunk, half baked, and pissed off and angry at the entire world, and that includes me because I happen to be the closest thing she can complain about. And that's also fine, she's going through a lot, and so am I, so I can completely understand that.

Then, how come she can't understand it? I wouldn't dare to say my job is as despisable as hers. Of course not. But my goodness, I am still doing a pretty significant effort here...

So, why didn't I get in the past 2 weeks a "thanks", a "I miss you", or a mechanical "I love you" ? She's tired and fed up. That's why. Deal with it idiot. I do.

But coming home this morning, as she passed the door and I asked her how she's been doing (and not "who", thanks), she just managed to tell me she'd been a great time, and actually a better time than with me. Fair enough, as I wrote here earlier, I don't mind her having fun on the job or fooling around with someone else. Oh and by the way, I'm an asshole and I can go f*ck myself. And off she is to the bedroom and locks the door, and I am stranded in the living room thinking, in all honesty, WTF ??

Hmmm ?

At that point I got worried. Usually that means something really bad happened, she's had tough or rough clients, or she's in one of these phases where the job manages to get to her. She has those periods where she despises herself for doing this. Still, usually she asks for help in this case. She doesn't bluntly get off at me for no reason.

After 20 minutes of waiting at the door, she finally tells me she doesn't want to see me and I disgust her. I am completely puzzled at this stage.

After a while, she relaxes a little bit, and explains that she simply can't stand the sight of me, and that if I look at her in any way she won't like I'm in for big trouble.

Okay... I'd like to understand this... I get it that the job involves sex (yes, I got that part right at least), and that it's repulsive to have to do it sometimes with scary pervert dudes or to just consider the thought you might be in the middle of a couple, or the sadness of realizing those people are sometimes even worse off than you are. And I can get it that if I look at her in a way that reminds her of all this, she'll get off, or get depressed. But geez, don't I deserve better than that ? I try not to do it, and usually when she comes back home I really rarely am in a sexy mood anyway.

I am only waiting for her and that hour of my day where she just silently eats what I prepared while I hold her is the one that gets me through the rest of my day. Or she might just go straight to bed, and usually let me cuddle her while she quickly falls asleep. Or she'll just talk about what she wants to do next week-end. That's our daily routine. This is one fucking hour. The 2 others ones are the ones where we sleep, like I said. That's all we spend together lately. 3 hours.

I felt like I would have discovered that someone robbed my home as I come back from a trip. I got robbed from my moment of light, and I don't even get an explanation for it.

Or if I got one, I don't feel it was satisfactory enough, and I don't snap at her like this when I'd have the same reasons too.

That's one lousy blog entry for an early morning.
I'm gonna kill a co-worker today, that will make me feel better.

So, you like Huey Lewis and the News ?


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My Girlfriend is an Escort

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