Our Pandora's Box  

Posted by H in ,

Sometimes you wonder if the truth is really worth it.

Do I really need to know she's an escort ? We met and got along just fine, so what would it change to know ? If she already is one, it's already incorporated in our lives, entangled in our relationship, even though it's not visible. It defines a part of the person she is.

But the thing is, even though you are pretty sure of your facts and have seen through her, it is still just a guess, isn't it ? And it makes you sick to your stomach that you might be wrong. Almost as much as if you're right. If you're wrong, how could you have doubted her so much ? How can you think such things, imagine her that way ?

That's why you really need to know. Or at least that was my reason. Confirmation. Confirmation that I actually understood the person I was with. Confirmation that I know the picture to its finest layer of under-paint. And that I can now help her.

But on the other hand... all the pictures in your head now form in bright shiny colors. Yes, she's fucking other people. Or getting fucked by other people, if you prefer to see it that way. She has a sort of ability to detach herself and do this. And you wonder if you could do it. And you wonder with what guy you know she might have done it with. You wonder which kind of guys and girls are her customers, if you could detect something special about them if you came across them randomly. And you wonder if you could be one of them too.

It also means that from now on, every time she goes out for a job, you'll be sitting home waiting for her, knowing what she's up to, worrying about her being safe, being happy.

And then you realize the most horrible truth of all: do you dislike the fact she's doing this job because of what it does to and implies for her... or because of what it does to and implies for you ? Are you worried about her, or worried about the impact on your own personal life ?

This is a valid question after all. And if there's no shame in going into prostitution as a mean to an end, there's none in trying to be honest with yourself. I'd recommend you answer this question honestly, because it really defines what matters to you here.

I know some people could not accept the fact that they're dating a prostitute. Their pride simply wouldn't let them. They get scared of comments like "your girl's a f*cking b*tch!" They're more worried about their image; the situation is secondary.

Once you open Pandora's Box, all the questions will hit you hard. And her too. Yes, stupid selfish idiot, what do you think ? She has to deal with it too, on her side, with her perspective. She wondered if you could take it before, and that's why she didn't tell you, so don't get ideas: she's still struggling with it.

She still is anxious to tell you every day that she's leaving you to make money by satisfying some guy or girl's fantasies. She is scared that you might have said you were OK with it just because you were nice and wanted to look like the nice guy, but you're actually going to run away. She's scared you'll reveal her secret; A secret she trusted you with. She worries about you like you do about her when it comes to thinking about what it does to you. Does he go crazy every time I leave ? How much does it hurt him ? Can our relationship last if I keep doing it ?

More simple and down-to-earth question are now on the table too. When have you been tested lately ? Is it safe ? Would you tell me if something happens with a customer ?

Petty questions also scratch the surface ? Does she enjoy it ? Is she addicted to it ? Does she feel anything ? How am I compared to them ? What does she think of me ? Does she think I could be just one of them ?

You now realize that every time she leaves, you're sending her off to have sex with another guy. Or girl. And sometimes more than one of them.

But there's one really positive thing in this. If - yes, there's still an "if" - the two of you truly hold on to each other and are open to each other each and every one of these questions can and will be answered. In a way that you might not always like, but at least they'll be answered.

And finally, one day, all the sins of the world will return to Pandora's Box.

Or so I hope.
Because that's all we have left for now.


You need to get real. You are NOT sending her off to have sex with another guy. She is going of her own free will.

I do not believe you are for real. I think this is a wind up.

Do you have any iota of an idea of what doing this job is like for us mentally and physically?

At the end of the day we do it because we WANT to regardless of criteria.
Put THAT in your newspaper.

Disgusted of Leeds

Hey sarah,

I don't think I know what goes in her mind, that's right. I do not pretend to either. How could I ?

I am more expressing what goes through mine.

And I don't think I am "sending her off to have sex with another guy". I accept this as a fact, as what she does. I never asked her to do it, and I told her I didn't want her to do it, but that I wasn't against it. I am not ashamed of what she does, and respect her way of living her life a lot.

I respect her decisions and what brought her to this.

About me being for real... this kinda made me think of a line in "V for Vendetta": "I am merely noting the paradox there is in asking a masked man who he is", or something like this.
I am a man behind a screen, a keyboard and a bunch of wires linking me to other people.
I am not H., and I am at the same time.
This story is real. The names, locations, and all are fictitious. I'll always shuffle or obfuscate details about the time and location and characters out of privacy.
That's all there is to it.
That you believe it or not is you're own problem I guess.

I'm still thankful for you to come here and write about it, as it was my original goal. To share thoughts, know what other people think about it. After all, again, maybe you're right and she doesn't tell me everything. I am merely trying to learn more about all this.
And actually I'd be glad if you could tell us more; about what you go through. Though it seems you wouldn't want to. And that would make you feel like you're contributing to my "tabloid", like you put it in another comment.

Finally, I'm sorry but I do not understand your last line "Disgusted of Leeds".
What does that mean ?

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