My Jealousy
A few of my acquaintances who know about my situation, and some of the visitors since I open this blog a few days ago, always ask me lots of questions about how it goes and general stuffs, but one of these questions is always the same: how do / can you accept it ?
More often than not, they use "can" instead of "do", clearly stating their personal opinion on the subject, clearly bringing out from the start that it doesn't seem like something they would deem natural and healthy.
I deal with it pretty easily actually, like I said in my previous post, My Acceptance. But there is of course only this black spot: the jealousy. Even when you have the hardest convictions, the finest representation of a concept, evil feelings like jealousy or envy can have you send it all through Hell.
People seem to think than I am just hiding behind my convictions. That they're just a facade to use as a shield. Either I am too weak to have stop they say, or I am too proud to recognize how I feel. And thus still too weak to do anything. I reckon idiots usually feel the need to separate people in 2 categories: the ones who are strong enough - and the G. guy knows they're part of it - and the weaks. The wusses.
Seems to me like some people have troubles dealing with their own pride and their own fear of actually not living up to the big Game of Life, don't you think ?
I simply am not jealous. I am not saying I've never been and never will be, nor that I don't sometimes feel this dark dart of fury starting to itch my buttons. Of course not. Sometimes you go out, and one guy looks at your girl in a way that definitely isn't the appropriate one (no offense intended to Mr J.M. Coetzee). But you know what ?
He can only look.
Well, ultimately, he can touch too. Right. He can try, at least, to see how far that would bring him.
Some actually even do. People who are either really to intrusive or who just have good social skills and don't make it in an intrusive way, who approach respectfully and correctly. But they don't get to decide.
She does.
If she's in a good mood, she'll grant their silent wishes.
Let them look at her hips. Maybe even go for a short dance.
She won't accept drinks, or a least not if I'm here. And I won't mind her to, whether I am in the vicinity or not. Free drinks are what they are: free drinks. Nothing wrong with that.
Because ultimately, they're the one willing to start the game, she's the one drawing first blood by deciding of the rules, and she's always the one scoring match point. A single move too far and they get turned down hard, or get kindly seated on their; depending on how good their company was.
And then she comes back to you.
"Beautiful", I hear the skeptics say, "but what about the times where you're not around man ?".
Ahh. We go to the very core of jealousy.
Trust.
Well there's not good answer for this. But I think if you trust someone, you can't really get jealous in his/her absence. You might have a slight doubt, for a split second, when your mind wanders and you wonder what he/she's up to. Why he/she's late. But you trust. So in the end, the only worries left are the ones about the loved one's safety and happiness; not the ones about luscious nightmares.
"That's all great", say my skeptics without departing themselves of their mean and all-nothing smirk.
"But that's only a general thought about relationships. In your case, you girlfriend, this escort of yours, she goes out and does nasty stuffs with other guys."
True.
"And for all you know, she even does it with more than one at the same time. And lesbians. And old creeps."
True, true.
"She gets fucked by all those people, they make her scream and bite her shoulder right at the same spot you'll be doing it if you were here".
Yep, they probably do.
And still she comes back to me. And she doesn't come back to me for money. For this, she lets *them* come. Indeed, in many ways... And sometimes she comes back with a big smile, and it never crosses my mind that it might be because she enjoyed her last session with a customer. And sometimes she comes back with tears in her eyes.
But what matters in simply that she comes back.
She rarely enjoys having sex with her clients. Okay, that's only based on the assumption that she didn't lie when she told me that. I've got no proof your Honor, your got me. Dead on. But it's still about trust.
She just does her job, gives them one if necessary, and that's all there is to it, pals. It stops right there.
Thanks for the night, that was great. Yeah that was fun just call the agency again if you feel like booking again. Have a good night. Money's already on the agency's account, part of which will be transferred to hers in a few hours. And the guy might call again. More money.
Hell, he might get addicted. I wouldn't blame him, she's a wonderful person. She won't, on the other hand.
These people who come to see her, they don't get more than what they came for. Sex. No pity. No friendship.
Possibly some understanding. She'll listen. Understand why they end up here. Either out of loneliness - and it doesn't matter if they're rich young big shot consultants with cocaine and lots of cash to spend to impress them or if they're middle-aged millionaires bored of fucking their own wives they married out of interest or boredom. They're still all here because of the loneliness. They might just not see it. - or out of misery, because they don't have anyone else. She's understand (see the post My Thoughts on Prostitution and Her Thoughts on Prostitution). Not pity them.
I can't get jealous of those people.
I'm better than them, for I am with her.
But now I hear my skeptics losing their temper and yelling at me: "come on! even if that's a rational behavior, you gotta feel something! Feel repulsed at the thought of what's happening. Feel bad about it! She's not only getting fucked, she's fucking them too. It's a two side street! And even if she doesn't really want to, even if she doesn't enjoy it, it just happens!".
Already my skeptics start to understand, against their own best (worst) will, what they don't want to face. See they already don't picture her screaming. They don't see her anymore like "the bitch you're dating", or "the gruesome whore you're fucking". Nope. Because they start to see that all the ugliness of it all doesn't stick to the person.
Well, it does to some.
I'm not saying everyone can manage this job, and everyone can manage to be with someone doing it.
But if she has the strength to detach herself from the act, and you have the strength to detach yourself from the big screen TV displaying the obscene picture in your brain in all its infamy, because you've seen it all and you know how it ends and what the characters are and that there's a trap under the carpet, then you're good to go.
It's like watching The Shining when you've read the book and now the ending. Despite Kubrick's talent, it's boring. No offense to the quality of the directing in this comment. There's just not much in the story that will surprise you. And it's all about the story. The content. The people.
It's exactly the same.
I understand her needs to do it.
I understand her position, the sometimes rotten scheme of society, and what we feel for one another.
Ah yes, love. But at the beginning, just after you started it. Was there already real Love, with a capital 'L'. Maybe, but probably not in the case of all the couples living alike.
Even at the start, when we weren't sure of our feelings, or of their reciprocity, I wasn't jealous.
Because I wasn't dating her by mistake, and I hoped she wasn't dating me by mistake either.
I dated her for the beauty of her soul. Well, for her beauty too, there's no possibility of denying that. But I respected the person she was. And the person she had to be, and the one she had to have been in her past.
It's about acceptance and support; but above all, trust and respect.
Once you've got these, jealousy cannot sneak in anymore.