My Jealousy  

Posted by H in ,

A few of my acquaintances who know about my situation, and some of the visitors since I open this blog a few days ago, always ask me lots of questions about how it goes and general stuffs, but one of these questions is always the same: how do / can you accept it ?

More often than not, they use "can" instead of "do", clearly stating their personal opinion on the subject, clearly bringing out from the start that it doesn't seem like something they would deem natural and healthy.

I deal with it pretty easily actually, like I said in my previous post, My Acceptance. But there is of course only this black spot: the jealousy. Even when you have the hardest convictions, the finest representation of a concept, evil feelings like jealousy or envy can have you send it all through Hell.

People seem to think than I am just hiding behind my convictions. That they're just a facade to use as a shield. Either I am too weak to have stop they say, or I am too proud to recognize how I feel. And thus still too weak to do anything. I reckon idiots usually feel the need to separate people in 2 categories: the ones who are strong enough - and the G. guy knows they're part of it - and the weaks. The wusses.

Seems to me like some people have troubles dealing with their own pride and their own fear of actually not living up to the big Game of Life, don't you think ?

I simply am not jealous. I am not saying I've never been and never will be, nor that I don't sometimes feel this dark dart of fury starting to itch my buttons. Of course not. Sometimes you go out, and one guy looks at your girl in a way that definitely isn't the appropriate one (no offense intended to Mr J.M. Coetzee). But you know what ?

He can only look.

Well, ultimately, he can touch too. Right. He can try, at least, to see how far that would bring him.

Some actually even do. People who are either really to intrusive or who just have good social skills and don't make it in an intrusive way, who approach respectfully and correctly. But they don't get to decide.

She does.

If she's in a good mood, she'll grant their silent wishes.

Let them look at her hips. Maybe even go for a short dance.

She won't accept drinks, or a least not if I'm here. And I won't mind her to, whether I am in the vicinity or not. Free drinks are what they are: free drinks. Nothing wrong with that.

Because ultimately, they're the one willing to start the game, she's the one drawing first blood by deciding of the rules, and she's always the one scoring match point. A single move too far and they get turned down hard, or get kindly seated on their; depending on how good their company was.

And then she comes back to you.

"Beautiful", I hear the skeptics say, "but what about the times where you're not around man ?".

Ahh. We go to the very core of jealousy.


Well there's not good answer for this. But I think if you trust someone, you can't really get jealous in his/her absence. You might have a slight doubt, for a split second, when your mind wanders and you wonder what he/she's up to. Why he/she's late. But you trust. So in the end, the only worries left are the ones about the loved one's safety and happiness; not the ones about luscious nightmares.

"That's all great", say my skeptics without departing themselves of their mean and all-nothing smirk.
"But that's only a general thought about relationships. In your case, you girlfriend, this escort of yours, she goes out and does nasty stuffs with other guys."


"And for all you know, she even does it with more than one at the same time. And lesbians. And old creeps."

True, true.

"She gets fucked by all those people, they make her scream and bite her shoulder right at the same spot you'll be doing it if you were here".

Yep, they probably do.

And still she comes back to me. And she doesn't come back to me for money. For this, she lets *them* come. Indeed, in many ways... And sometimes she comes back with a big smile, and it never crosses my mind that it might be because she enjoyed her last session with a customer. And sometimes she comes back with tears in her eyes.

But what matters in simply that she comes back.

She rarely enjoys having sex with her clients. Okay, that's only based on the assumption that she didn't lie when she told me that. I've got no proof your Honor, your got me. Dead on. But it's still about trust.

She just does her job, gives them one if necessary, and that's all there is to it, pals. It stops right there.
Thanks for the night, that was great. Yeah that was fun just call the agency again if you feel like booking again. Have a good night. Money's already on the agency's account, part of which will be transferred to hers in a few hours. And the guy might call again. More money.

Hell, he might get addicted. I wouldn't blame him, she's a wonderful person. She won't, on the other hand.

These people who come to see her, they don't get more than what they came for. Sex. No pity. No friendship.
Possibly some understanding. She'll listen. Understand why they end up here. Either out of loneliness - and it doesn't matter if they're rich young big shot consultants with cocaine and lots of cash to spend to impress them or if they're middle-aged millionaires bored of fucking their own wives they married out of interest or boredom. They're still all here because of the loneliness. They might just not see it. - or out of misery, because they don't have anyone else. She's understand (see the post My Thoughts on Prostitution and Her Thoughts on Prostitution). Not pity them.

I can't get jealous of those people.
I'm better than them, for I am with her.

But now I hear my skeptics losing their temper and yelling at me: "come on! even if that's a rational behavior, you gotta feel something! Feel repulsed at the thought of what's happening. Feel bad about it! She's not only getting fucked, she's fucking them too. It's a two side street! And even if she doesn't really want to, even if she doesn't enjoy it, it just happens!".

Already my skeptics start to understand, against their own best (worst) will, what they don't want to face. See they already don't picture her screaming. They don't see her anymore like "the bitch you're dating", or "the gruesome whore you're fucking". Nope. Because they start to see that all the ugliness of it all doesn't stick to the person.

Well, it does to some.

I'm not saying everyone can manage this job, and everyone can manage to be with someone doing it.

But if she has the strength to detach herself from the act, and you have the strength to detach yourself from the big screen TV displaying the obscene picture in your brain in all its infamy, because you've seen it all and you know how it ends and what the characters are and that there's a trap under the carpet, then you're good to go.

It's like watching The Shining when you've read the book and now the ending. Despite Kubrick's talent, it's boring. No offense to the quality of the directing in this comment. There's just not much in the story that will surprise you. And it's all about the story. The content. The people.

It's exactly the same.

I understand her needs to do it.

I understand her position, the sometimes rotten scheme of society, and what we feel for one another.

Ah yes, love. But at the beginning, just after you started it. Was there already real Love, with a capital 'L'. Maybe, but probably not in the case of all the couples living alike.

Even at the start, when we weren't sure of our feelings, or of their reciprocity, I wasn't jealous.
Because I wasn't dating her by mistake, and I hoped she wasn't dating me by mistake either.

I dated her for the beauty of her soul. Well, for her beauty too, there's no possibility of denying that. But I respected the person she was. And the person she had to be, and the one she had to have been in her past.

It's about acceptance and support; but above all, trust and respect.

Once you've got these, jealousy cannot sneak in anymore.


You need more honesty in your relationship.

Just how long has she been doing this?

Just how badly does she need the money?

Of course she tells you she does not enjoy the sex.. she does not want to hurt you !

Let me tell you something... there are some girls who do not enjoy paid for sex. They are either really good actresses or they don't get much work.

How much work does she get?
Does she have regulars... guys who come back again and again and again..?

I do. I enjoy the sex with my clients most of the time. i defy any woman alive to not enjoy it when a client goes down on you.

Honesty is the key here.


I think you are a low down sneaky piece of shit. Tabloid journalism at it's very best eh?

Go fuck yourself

Hello sarah,

I actually think our relationship is really honest.

But you're right, I have no guarantee that she actually tells me the truth. But I believe it.

From my point of view we are honest towards each other.

She's been doing this job for years, she started when she was in her mid teens, she's now in her mid twenties.

She hasn't been doing it all the time though. It's been on and off for a while. Like I (and she) said, she doesn't really enjoy the job itself, so she only does it when she needs the money. She tends to work a lot, get a lot of jobs, and then change her location. And when she runs out of money again she gets a new agency or goes back to the previous one.
She's had short-term regulars in a way, but not any that she's been seeing for more than a year.

Regarding your second comment, well, I didn't intend all this to come out as such. Now that you tell me I realize maybe that's how it looks like.

On the other hand, what else is a blog if not the expression of usually personal stuffs getting to be displayed in the open ?

Maybe I'm getting as bad as those tabloid journalists.

Or I just need to let it out, and to show to other people that they can do the same.

When the whole blogging frenzy started I was actually pretty opposed to it. The public exposure of everybody's little neurosis.
On the one hand it looks pointless, and on the other hand it is not a really good way of dealing with issues.
Some psychologists considered it at the very beginning - and some still do - like a potentially really dangerous media of communication. Because you build u this double personality where one aggregates the tension of the real one, and where everybody shares their own personal nightmares whereas we used to deal with them on our own.

I've no idea what's the best in the end.

I thank you for your first comment, and I apologize for the second one if what I'm doing here is offending you.

All best.

This comment has been removed by the author.

Wow Sarah's comment is just straight out rude. Sounds like she's not really an escort, or at least not one that is good at separating her work from her real life.


I luved your post. I know it's possible and pretty darn obvious to me that great escorts are able to tune out for the duration of a session.

So what if a guy goes down on me, I'm usually thinking about what groceries I'm going to buy that evening. LOL I don't forget to moan at appropriate times though, I'm just on auto pilot.

G., is most probably 99.99% being honest with you, in that she only does the job for easy money. But only you can know that she's honest, trust her that she is! :)

Being an escort is addicting...not for sex, but fast money making scheme.

Take care

Sexy Sadie

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