Her Leap of Faith  

Posted by H in , ,

How big of a risk is did she take when she confessed to me ?

From my point of view it seems fairly big, and it seems like she was not accustomed to reveal this aspect of her life too early to people she'd been dating.

Some of her escort friends who have children raise them without having ever told them and apparently they never noticed. Apparently this is also the same for other girls out there. so how long can the game keep going on ?

Anyway, that day she took a chance with me, and I was really happy about it. That she would start to trust me more, stop lying to me, stop having to make excuses. I also wanted it this way because it made it easier for me not having to avoid to eavesdrop on her anymore. I hated it when I was feeling guilty for picking up things, like I said earlier. And it made it easier for her go on with her job.

But still, despite the obvious advantages of the openness, she placed a bet on me, that I wouldn't betray her. I guess it could happen with clients too anyway, so that's not so much of a big deal, but clients are mostly getting fake-named except for a few regulars, and they contact her via the agency for bookings.

We all have to take chances at some points during our lives: professional and educational paths as well as love lives are all bound to encounter crossings and dead-ends.

Some choices are happy and some aren't, but we usually know which ones are worth the money we put in them. Though when it comes to love lives, or at least intimate relationships, before we can put them in the big pink basket with the huge ribbon with LOVE in big letters written on the top, the bet is more opaque.
We just have to keep trying again and again, and it takes the right amount, the perfect bet (and bait) to make the other comfortable with your interest in him/her and not scare the hell out of him/her because you either hit too low or way too high.

Some might argue she didn't really take a chance, I cornered her.
That's right, but it was still a relief.

We talked recently about this episode of our past again, and she said she almost told me the night of the very job she had while dating me (she was just getting back into the business after a break, actually).
She felt comfortable with me, though not so sure about I would last, as I was confusing her a little with my behavior (I can look rather distant, though I don't feel that way. It usually takes time to adjust to this, and I try to ease it, but hey, you are who you are, in the end). She thought I'd had got over it. She retracted for 2 reasons.

She was high on cocaine and thought she might not be thinking clearly and might be doing something stupid (glad to know she has some lucidity left).

And I was being so understanding with her when she came back from her job a 5AM, meeting her outside for a drink even though had been working around the clock and had to leave soon for work that she figured it was either too good to be true and I was forcing it, or I was really way too nice and she got scared of dropping the bomb on me so soon.
Too bad, things would have been so much simpler.

I'm not complaining, they didn't end up too bad anyway.

I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to have to make the decision to trust someone with this kind of secret. To let them in a tighter circle of friends or trustees. That would explain too why she wouldn't want me to know where her office was for a while, I guess, as it would give her a guarantee I wouldn't be able to do too much damage if things got ugly. Probably.

I don't know. I'm a really private person about my life. Quite secretive, really. I tend to be careful about what I let co-workers or friends of friends learn about me. And my friends know my policies on divulging of information and respect it. I avoid leaving too many tracks online, without being a paranoid freak, because it is quite amusing how you can simply pick up the bits and pieces of a people's profile here and there and build on it to make up scams.

People tend to think online that they can be free of saying what they say because they're behind a password and a username, a nickname. The thing is, this nickname still defines who you are in relation to other people, who know you why this nickname. Someone can still collect information abut this character, fictitious or not, and make it his own and pose as yourself. I might not work for long, but it might work long enough, depending on what they wish to achieve.

That's one example of the concerns about privacy.

So how freaky must it be to have to do the same thing, but even without the layer of technological crap protecting you from the sneak-peakers ? You've got basically only a really thin layer of protection: one or more fake-names for your escorting business, the character you build for yourself to show to your clients, and then, directly underneath, there is you. Naked, so to speak.

That would make me really uncomfortable. I suppose it is at first, and you get used to it, like you get used to most jobs' pros and cons, and learn to discern precaution from paranoia.

And maybe this leap of faith has already been conquered before, when you just start this job. You have to face the consequences from the start, so maybe you mentally deal with it, and then it's taken care of and is just part of your background. Like the bullets whistling at a trooper's ears or the sound of the metallic cables eating a mat for a sailor. They might sound louder from time to time without it really worrying you, it's just a matter of knowing when you are still in control and when you stop to be.

I'm still grateful she jumped in. After all some of her long-time friends have no clue about this.


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