My E-Mail Problems  

Posted by H in

Hey there,

if some of you have been trying to contact me over the last 2 weeks, I'm sorry but I encountering problems with my e-mail service provider.

I can send e-mails, but apparently I am not receiving any.

Which also mean that if you replied to one of my comments on your website, or commented on this one, I didn't get any notification.

Sorry about that, I hope it gets fixed soon.

Our Week-End Away  

Posted by H in ,

We just had the most lovely week-end we've had in a long while. G. sent her agency and regulars to Hell and booked whatever she could for next week, and decided to deal with private johns' inquiries by just not answering her professional cell at all.

It felt pretty good after a fairly hard week for the both of us, and that was really great to be able to have some time to spend together. I think we hardly spent 4 hours in a row together during the last 5 weeks, and that includes sleeping time.

So we headed south for a small road trip, in the early hours of Saturday.
Her, me, a bike, a tent, a fully loaded mp3 player and the sun.

No more fancy hotels, no more shiny board-rooms.
A 2-days truce.

We spent a good 5 hours on the road as the weather was great and that's one of my hobbies and she likes to tag along on my little excursions, and we wanted to put some distance between our normal lives and this ephemeral fountain of youth (and love).

We arrived in time for a huge feast in the mountains in a friend's restaurant, and took a long walk under the trees, leading us to another friend's place, looking at the wildlife going crazy around us.

And the best thing: not a tourist to be spotted around.

We stayed a good part of the evening at my friend's drinking, talking, kissing (I mean, only me and her... we're off duty, remember ?), watching TV (and not the Olympics), watching old German movies (don't ask...) and drinking and eating again.

We ended up thinking of leaving around 4AM but my friend insisted we stayed over (we wanted to camp just nearby) so we did, and had the most romantic and gentle love-making/sex/fucking/whatever-you-cool-kids-call-it-these-days and fell asleep until 9AM.
Woke up, cooked a huge breakfast, and went back to bed til 12.

Once the breakfast was (ex)terminated, we drove to a nearby town to visit friends of hers, and drove back home.

This post has nothing to do with that little sociological topic of ours I guess... Or does it ? It just reflects a need to fly away from it from time to time, after all, and that's what we did.

If you can, I'd recommend you do to, if you're feeling a bit down lately. Shut off your phone, just hit the road, put on your headphones if you're alone or turn on the radio or pick an old favorite mix tape of yours, and your back to the good old times.

Love week-ends like these.

They won't change the world and won't even change us, but they still are important.

Yep, love week-ends like these.

Their Luck  

Posted by H in

I wonder if the guys she sleeps with actually realize their luck.

Okay, I hear the skeptics' choir again...

From the left aisle, they're chanting that they just don't care and want a quick fuck, and though some would be ready to pay big bucks for a good fuck, some would settle for just anything and there's not so much glamor and luck in this, does it ?

From the right aisle, the canon answers with darts pointed towards me for thinking that she's so wonderful when she's probably just like the average girl. [yes, I just wrote that. Don't start psychoanalyzing me, I always ramble anyway]

But in the end, they still end up probably satisfied at the end of the night, she provides a good service, they get to see a short glimpse of her, partly different from the one I have, and at the same time not so dissimilar, and finally, and all this without any consideration for the fact they could be the best guys on Earth and living incarnations of Mr Right or the damnedest losers ever. Hey, after all, I'm one of the latter and I know how lucky I am to have her.

She'll have dinner dates with them, hang out with them if it's OK and is part of a longer professional relationship and a tacit agreement that they'll book other sessions, and smile back at them if she ever meet them somewhere. [which reminds me... that's another topic I wanted to write about and we'll discuss later when I've got some more time.]

In the end, I guess the trade is quite fair for both parties. It's fairly expensive (for her, as she has to give of her time and person; for them, by resorting to a more common currency), and is fairly rewarding (for her, because of the transfer of this currency; for them, for the physical and mental pleasure they get out of it).

Of course I'd understand if girls would comment on this saying that this far from being fair, but if it wasn't fair in some kind of twisted and pragmatic way, it just wouldn't work, would it ? At least not in this industries of agencies managing high-level escorts, I am not discussing trafficking and harder exploitation here.

"Their" in my title also refers to the agencies, of course, and G.'s in particular, which should realize how professional she is about her job, though I'm not so sure a lot of guides were published on the topic or any standard of governance has ever been approved and released. And how many clients she brought them and had become
regulars of hers or other girls (or combined).

Sometimes I wish I'd come across one of them, client and managers, to just nod at them and ask "you realize you're living a dream just because she wants it that way?"

My Worries  

Posted by H in

My sweet lovebird is out again.

She got a call at 3AM to get on a job, so she slipped out of bed and got dressed up, kissed me a tender good-bye and off she was.

No special reason to worry about this, and I'm not in one of those crazy intolerable nerve-wrenching moments like it happened on Monday.

My worries tonight are more a set of general thoughts.

I hope she gets there safe, that the client won't request extensions and that she'll be able to come back relatively early in the morning to take a short nap before she'd have to leave for her daytime job.

Oh yes, I didn't say anything about that... since last Wednesday, she's got a temporary job, as she got advised she probably wouldn't have to many clients for the next 2 weeks by her agency. They try to rotate and though based on experience and satisfaction the best jobs are distributed to the best workers, the agency tries to keep it fair and to still allocate a minimal weekly schedule for everybody. Times being a bit slim apparently lately, she has to step back a little for newcomers.

Which gives her some time. And even though she's usually on call 24/7, it is usually worth the bet to go for both options and cancel either one of them down the road if deemed necessary.

Why get another job when you can already make *beeeeeeppp* bucks an hour on a part-time basis, and get by just fine even with only a few jobs per week ? Well, just because you want to spare some for the future and also simply because it feels good to do something else. And it helps with the cover for friends and relatives.

Additionally, it helps her to keep her resume fairly active while she finishes her studies, so that there won't be a huge blank space in the middle and investigative interviewers asking "so, miss G., could you please tell us what you've been doing between XXXX and XXXX and during all these similar periods or gaps that appear on your file ?"

Still, it's kind of tiresome for her, and I just hope she doesn't push it too far. Besides, she might have to be more active in her studies soon as that definitely fit with the 2 jobs. And me in all this ? I'll take the time-crumbs, thanks, that's OK.

And then I hear students complain in bars during the week-end that they're too tired of working their asses off at universities and schools. My girl's on steroids and is starting to master micro-sleep even better than I do.

And though I believe sometimes pushing it close to the limit for a short - but intense - period is a good thing for several reasons, it sort of feels like she's getting more and more into the business, somehow. Maybe we could do it differently.

Her Way Out  

Posted by H in

I said in earlier posts that she does this job out of necessity, when she needs the money (and some argue out of a pure will to do it, which might sometimes be true, but in that case she would just do it all the time). That she doesn't like it and want to stop at some point in the future, that she has other plans and side projects.

So, what are her plans ? What is her way out of this ?

Like I said in our introduction messages, G.'s an artist of some sort (and please no jokes about her job here), and she's actually pretty good at it (for what I can tell).

Her ways out are then to manage to get a big break in this field, or at least moderately big. But that requires a lot of dedication and an incredible commitment. Which is the tricky part when you have to work on the side a odd hours and need to balance everything. Another solution is to find someone who could help you for a period of time where you focus on your career plan without having to worry about the rest.

I unfortunately cannot pretend to be the "someone" offering this alternative, as I don't have the required wealth for it. For now. And I'm already having problems to find the right balance myself between the big plan and the rest. Also, I hate dependent relationships with a passion as they just spiral around their own kernel of problems until implosion inevitably happens. And I wouldn't like someone to be patronizing towards me and wouldn't inflict this to others.

But still, if I could offer her this way out, I'd do it. With a smile.

[EDIT: a skeptic told me that it's probably just wishful thinking, and we're probably not doing what it takes to move around things. Our schedules and micro-sleep cycles respectfully beg to differ.]

Her Leap of Faith  

Posted by H in , ,

How big of a risk is did she take when she confessed to me ?

From my point of view it seems fairly big, and it seems like she was not accustomed to reveal this aspect of her life too early to people she'd been dating.

Some of her escort friends who have children raise them without having ever told them and apparently they never noticed. Apparently this is also the same for other girls out there. so how long can the game keep going on ?

Anyway, that day she took a chance with me, and I was really happy about it. That she would start to trust me more, stop lying to me, stop having to make excuses. I also wanted it this way because it made it easier for me not having to avoid to eavesdrop on her anymore. I hated it when I was feeling guilty for picking up things, like I said earlier. And it made it easier for her go on with her job.

But still, despite the obvious advantages of the openness, she placed a bet on me, that I wouldn't betray her. I guess it could happen with clients too anyway, so that's not so much of a big deal, but clients are mostly getting fake-named except for a few regulars, and they contact her via the agency for bookings.

We all have to take chances at some points during our lives: professional and educational paths as well as love lives are all bound to encounter crossings and dead-ends.

Some choices are happy and some aren't, but we usually know which ones are worth the money we put in them. Though when it comes to love lives, or at least intimate relationships, before we can put them in the big pink basket with the huge ribbon with LOVE in big letters written on the top, the bet is more opaque.
We just have to keep trying again and again, and it takes the right amount, the perfect bet (and bait) to make the other comfortable with your interest in him/her and not scare the hell out of him/her because you either hit too low or way too high.

Some might argue she didn't really take a chance, I cornered her.
That's right, but it was still a relief.

We talked recently about this episode of our past again, and she said she almost told me the night of the very job she had while dating me (she was just getting back into the business after a break, actually).
She felt comfortable with me, though not so sure about I would last, as I was confusing her a little with my behavior (I can look rather distant, though I don't feel that way. It usually takes time to adjust to this, and I try to ease it, but hey, you are who you are, in the end). She thought I'd had got over it. She retracted for 2 reasons.

She was high on cocaine and thought she might not be thinking clearly and might be doing something stupid (glad to know she has some lucidity left).

And I was being so understanding with her when she came back from her job a 5AM, meeting her outside for a drink even though had been working around the clock and had to leave soon for work that she figured it was either too good to be true and I was forcing it, or I was really way too nice and she got scared of dropping the bomb on me so soon.
Too bad, things would have been so much simpler.

I'm not complaining, they didn't end up too bad anyway.

I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to have to make the decision to trust someone with this kind of secret. To let them in a tighter circle of friends or trustees. That would explain too why she wouldn't want me to know where her office was for a while, I guess, as it would give her a guarantee I wouldn't be able to do too much damage if things got ugly. Probably.

I don't know. I'm a really private person about my life. Quite secretive, really. I tend to be careful about what I let co-workers or friends of friends learn about me. And my friends know my policies on divulging of information and respect it. I avoid leaving too many tracks online, without being a paranoid freak, because it is quite amusing how you can simply pick up the bits and pieces of a people's profile here and there and build on it to make up scams.

People tend to think online that they can be free of saying what they say because they're behind a password and a username, a nickname. The thing is, this nickname still defines who you are in relation to other people, who know you why this nickname. Someone can still collect information abut this character, fictitious or not, and make it his own and pose as yourself. I might not work for long, but it might work long enough, depending on what they wish to achieve.

That's one example of the concerns about privacy.

So how freaky must it be to have to do the same thing, but even without the layer of technological crap protecting you from the sneak-peakers ? You've got basically only a really thin layer of protection: one or more fake-names for your escorting business, the character you build for yourself to show to your clients, and then, directly underneath, there is you. Naked, so to speak.

That would make me really uncomfortable. I suppose it is at first, and you get used to it, like you get used to most jobs' pros and cons, and learn to discern precaution from paranoia.

And maybe this leap of faith has already been conquered before, when you just start this job. You have to face the consequences from the start, so maybe you mentally deal with it, and then it's taken care of and is just part of your background. Like the bullets whistling at a trooper's ears or the sound of the metallic cables eating a mat for a sailor. They might sound louder from time to time without it really worrying you, it's just a matter of knowing when you are still in control and when you stop to be.

I'm still grateful she jumped in. After all some of her long-time friends have no clue about this.

Her Off Button  

Posted by H in ,

A question girls always get in this job is whether they enjoy it having sex with their clients.

While looking around I had all different kinds of answers.

Some swear bloody Hell that, of course, they have pleasure with their clients and more often that not. And it's normal. Others will just say they enjoy the act without really reaching orgasm, mostly because of their lack of interest, though it can happen. Another third group will say they just shut off and don't enjoy and that their body won't even do the rest, they don't enjoy neither mentally nor physically.

For G., though she says she sometimes has great sex with clients, she says she has a hard time to get into it.

She prefers jobs where she has to do girls, as a personal preference (I am apparently sort of an exception on her personal road map. Good for me). But if it's a guy, he has to be attractive otherwise she has a hard time getting get turned on, and that's a problem because it doesn't help. Looks are really important for her. If he's attractive, it's much easier.

On the other hand, if it's a girl going down on her, she has a very hard time, though she prefers girls. Exactly because of this: she prefers them and don't want them in this context. She told me actually feeling sorry a few times for girls getting at her for 10 minutes without her starting to show any hint of getting wet, though they wanted to please her. And she actually likes to do girls, but prefers to be done by guys.

Guess it depends on everyone's tastes in that matter.

I have no idea if this is normal. That she sometimes has a hard time to get turned onm I mean. I agree with some posts and comments I've read, stating that ultimately, you can turn anyone on, as long as you take the time and put some attention and effort into it. But the mood can make it pretty hard.

But she's not always been like that. Apparently the problem is related to me. She's been doing this job for a while, but never on a really intensive *and* long-lasting basis. She's doing it on and off, either occasionally when she needs money, or intensively for a few months to spare some cash and then completely stop working for a while and focus on other aspects of her life.

And usually she would go back to this business when she's not involved with someone anymore. Apparently I had her lose quite a lot of money. Well, "lose" is a big word: she missed a lot of jobs because of me, that's what it is. Some I know of, from before she told me but when I had figured it out, or after her confession and she would tell me she just didn't want to go. And apparently some other ones.

And she wouldn't do this usually, and tell her partners to stay out of it (if they knew), and to not get too involved. Which sounds good for me again, if the pattern is different here (I know, skeptics around here will tell me again that I have to get off my high horse, that she's just saying this to be nice).

The thing is, she can't do this while she's dating someone. It's too hard on her. She's too emotional for her, and though she can do the job really intensively if she needs to when she's single, and just shut off her brain and pretend, or enjoy but without really caring, she can't do it when she's involved.

She can't switch off. She gets too confused emotionally, somewhere in-between her jobs and her relationship.

That's why she cut it down a little lately, and accepts only the nice jobs, and tries to accommodate to my timetable.

I think it's terrific in a way, because I like the way we're going, and I appreciate the gesture. On the other hand, I just hope I'm not changing her life too much, that she's not getting too confused, that I'm not having her change too much for me, that she doesn't miss out for me (high horses chorus in the background. But though I acknowledge the singers might be right, may I also just point out there is a possibility they feel a little jealous and/or bitter because they'd like to have the same thing, but so far it never worked out, or it did and crashed ? Maybe like it will for us.)

Or maybe that's just her normal evolution and she reached a point where she wants to take it slower.

Her Office  

Posted by H in ,

G. doesn't want me to get involved with anything remotely related to her occupation. Thus the ban on nights out with some of her colleagues, as I discussed in "Her Pimp, My Nemesis".

She's happy (well... not so fast there) to share with me what she's doing in general, the way it works. Details about the organization of this business in general, in the various cities and countries she's been at it. The details that make me understand her, and I think the ones that make me worry about her less. Nice of her, really.

She's not too happy to share what happens during one of her jobs, of course, and I don't ask. Well sometimes I ask if she comes home depressed, and I don't really want to know and she doesn't want me to know but I'm just a good listener. Or she would do it without me asking if it was an enjoyable one and have fantasies about it. For instance, let's say she's hang up on threesomes with girls, and she'd had done that during the day, and I'd hear her ramble a while about it. Which I think is sort of healthy and amusing.

But she doesn't me to know details of where's she's worked, and for who she worked. Or is working.

She rarely tells me the names of the agencies she's been working for, for instance. I can understand it, actually. We've been going out for a while, but not that long that I would expect her to trust me with every tiny detail of ther life. Like Nya said in one of her posts, boyfriends don't need to know about your previous boyfriends and your other jobs, and that probably true. And also, that could severely compromise her anonymity. When I come to think of it, I realize that with what I know now, I could easily ruin her life, and I don't like this idea too much.

At the beginning I tried to encourage her, at the risk of it being odd and hurting her, not to trust me wit her secrets (even before I knew what she was doing). Maybe that's why she took so long to tell me, after all she was only following my advice. You never know what tomorrow will be made of, and how much you can rely on people you just met.

Hell, after I had been with her for 2 months, I still hadn't see her idea, she could have fake named me since the beginning, and told me stories of a childhood that wasn't hers. Lying is so easy, people shouldn't take things for granted.

So I respect her desire to be private and secretive about her job.

But there's also this part of me which worries about her, and also a damn habit I have of letting my brain run and never really disconnecting the wires.

I don't spy on her. Never did. Won't say never will, because I think everyone can turn into an ass, and so can I, but I definitely wouldn't want to right now.
I don't sneak around her papers, don't have a look at her phone, don't eavesdrop on her conversations.

But I couldn't help to pick bits and pieces up. From a phone conversation when I just walked into the room and she wasn't finished (I tend to leave the room when she's one the phone. I think as a couple I could overhear things and it should be OK, but it's much easier if I don't and she can come forward if she needs to talk to me), from a pay slip she just folded in her pocket and from which I saw the header as she did it. That sort of things.
Things you see or hear and immediately think you wished you hadn't because even though I try to forget them or to think about something else, your mind starts filling the gaps.
That's pretty much how I figured it all out, and I guess it doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes, nothing to be proud about.

That's also how I found about her office. Of course it could have been really easy, I could just have followed her, but like I said I have no reason to do such a thing.

But one day we were having a walk in the city and she needed to drop by her office for a reason without relevance here. She told me she didn't want me to know where it is (though I don't understand why) and it'd be nice if I could just wait here and she wouldn't be long.

I said sure and sat on the porch of the building we'd stop in front of. And she started walking down the street, so I walked up the porch to sit there and wait, thinking I'd be better off not looking where she was going. Though yes, in my mind a small machinery was thinking: "is it down this street ? How many blocks away ? What size is the office or the building ? You don't need much to run an agency so which of these buildings could host it ? I know them all... or is she really careful and going to turn at the next stop and follow a different path ?". This kind of stuff. I can't help it. Anyway, I snapped out of it quickly and started letting my mind wander about other things, chit-chatted with a guy asking me for a cigarette, called a friend. And waited.

And she was running late and called after a while to tell me it would still last 10 minutes. Considering with her it means at least 20, I decided to cross the street and get us some coffee. And when I crossed again with the coffees to take back position on the porch, I saw her coming out of a building from the corner of my eye. Couldn't miss her. She was 30 meters away. One block. And I thought "dammit" and "ohoh" and all.

Maybe she wanted me to know without telling me. She's often like this. Or maybe she wanted to check if I would spy on her, in which case I accidentally failed the test I guess, because maybe she saw me as I just walked back onto the porch, but apparently she didn't, and as she didn't want me to know where her office were, I didn't want to upset her and tell her she should have dropped me further away.

The good thing is, I know where the office is now, roughly. I doubt it's the whole building. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be. Didn't check, never even had a look inside, or tried to get a sneak peak by walking on the opposite sidewalk on the numerous occasions I walk past it.
But I know the building. Which means I can find really easily the floor, the phone numbers, the people working their, and a lots of other stuff. And really quickly too.

And that makes me more confident too, because I know if she gets in trouble, or one night she doesn't come back from a job, I know where to go look for her or where and who to call, if not hospitals and police stations and friends.

And I'm pretty sure that's why she did it. To have me be her safety net without asking for it, and to calm my anxiety. She doesn't take jobs with any kind of risks, doesn't go to slag parties alone, and if it's not known territory the agency enforces security. But she's had problems a few times and learned her lessons.

She's more of a mastermind than she likes to show it.

Her Pimp, My Nemesis  

Posted by H in , ,

I think that he's the one person I have actually troubles to deal with.

Not really because he calls late at night when he needs her and she's on call, but because:

A) he's also her drug dealer;
B) he'd like to fuck her.
C) she doesn't want me to meet him, and she doesn't want him to know I exist.

Bottom line I have a hard time trusting that guy when it comes to her safety.

The first point is a bit annoying for me. I don't do drugs. I am pro-legalization though, when it comes to light/soft drugs.

I'm less lenient on harder drugs, mostly because of the lack of control.

The funny thing, I have several friends working for enforcement agencies in different countries. The consensus is the same in most of them: don't go after the soft-drugs dealers. Because if you do, all the occasional drug consumers might fall into the hard ones, and boost their proliferation.

G. occasionally does Marijuana, which I'm OK with it. Not my trip, but really nothing against it, as long as it's not on a too regular basis.

I'm more concerned on cocaine, which she does too, on a less regular basis. Considering she has only a few providers for this, who go way back, I'm not too worried about the quality, but I've seen friends get down on their knees with that one. Metaphorically and literally.

And in a really rare occasions, she'd do ecstasy. Which she doesn't like, but just uses to socialize.

She's tried heroin once, had a fun trip, and never did it again.

I'm not too concerned about her drug habits, as she's definitely not on the path towards addiction, but having lost friends to these, I know they can come fast and hit you hard, in a really sneaky way.

And that her pimp is providing her with cocaine for free occasionally bugs me a little, I have to admit. Because that apparently doesn't pose a problem for him, and I don't want this to become too regular.
And I find it a bit dismissive too, like he's just throwing it at her.

You're depressed ? Let's have a line.
You feel tired ? Let's have a line.
And so on...

Actually that's the first time she told me about him. Before I knew she was an escort, and he was her pimp. Just a friend, she said. Who buys drinks and offers cocaine, sometimes, and that she used to go out to meet when he called after 11pm, just for a drink. And she'd come back around 4 or 5.
Yeah, that kind of triggered the doubt, I have to say. Of course.

The second issue, well, that she would fuck him doesn't really matter to me, if she wants too. The thing is she doesn't really want too, but he tries to get it from her in exchange of him helping her out when she's in trouble.

She doesn't want to because she doesn't find him attractive and because she can't get around doing it with her boss.

(I know some people reading this blog will still argue that whether you find the guy attractive or not, you can still have fun. True, but you might still not want to do it at first. And secondly, I don't necessarily believe, like a commenter said, that when someone goes down on you you won't resist. I think mood is important, both for guys and girls. In the end it might work, but the lengths you have to go through speak for themselves and make the statement of the other's will in this case.)

Though, she said he's not a bad person, and actually from what she said he seems fairly OK. Right, he wants to do her, is a pimp and a junkie. He's high all the time and can't remember what the hell he talked about a few hours ago. But he doesn't force her. At least not directly, though trying to exercise pressure over someone is pretty much the same.

For the moment I just convince myself I shouldn't care. It seems natural that he takes care of his employees, and occasionally providing some entertainment is actually not that uncommon a practice in the business world, so I see no reason why it wouldn't apply in this one. You take the employees out to dinner after a hard month, or a hard rush. You give out free stuff, paid holidays and trips after a good year.

Then of course I also have a problem with the fact that he's a part of the whole industry, one of the gears in motion that make all this mess go round. But that too is not an uncommon fact.

Still, something in the guy makes me dislike him without really knowing him, and I don't like this feeling too much, because I'm usually quite indifferent.

If she wants to do him, fine. It's just sex.

I think I'm more worried about a more sneaky way of passive manipulation. Something that establishes itself over a few years. I think I don't like him because I recognize the tricks: when someone slowly prepares the field, booby-traps it, and puts cards up his sleeves. To be be sure he can have some recourse later and have you where he wants to.

The third issue is not really an issue, it is just something I did not really understand at first.

Well of course, when I didn't know she was an escort, there were those times where she would say that she had plans with friends and cancel them to be with me (then why not all meet together ? I won't bite them I promise... unless I really have to but I haven't done that since kindergarten I guess, so we should go through the night alright), and then that it would be nice if we could not hang out too long on the streets in the area so that they wouldn't see her. Hmmm? Yeah. Right...

After I knew the truth, and of course that she just didn't want anyone to see her because she had canceled a job or refused to take a call pretending to be sick or having her period or something (btw, having your period every 2 weeks is definitely fishy... doubt they buy it...but on the other it's also normal to give fake excuses in most business. No Mr Y, I can't do this right now, I'm really still busy on the file for the case W), she still wouldn't want us to go out with him, or if we did (but never did, it could just have happened), then she didn't want me to be too "friendly" in front of him.

I didn't really get it. Escorts are not allowed to have real-life partners ? It diminishes their performance or their credibility ? Or he really has feelings for her and she doesn't want to hurt him ? She's definitely not sleeping with him, so what ? Well, the thing is, apparently she just doesn't want to turn him *completely* down and take away his hopes of doing her one day, and think that would do it. I kinda like the reasoning actually, that's an inversion of control which is always good to have. Though I doubt it's as dangerous as the one he has over her.

She's a big girl, has been in there for years and knows what she's doing, and has known this guy for quite a while. Considers him as good as a friend as he can possible be, and moderately reliable. Good for what is good at: contacts and favors for emergencies.

I guess I just lack the experience in politics to grasp how all this fits together.

When I think about it all, it's actually strange to notice how much I changed since my childhood. I thought I'd hate anyone coming out as a pimp, for what he does to other people. Of course, some of the girls do it because they just want to. So is he to blame ? Well, yeah, he is. He still provides the framework for the business, and that's why they come it him. But on the other hand, this framework is definitely safer than the street.

Some evils are necessary.


Posted by H in

Just a quick post to explain the ordering system on this weblog.
I like to keep it simple and organized.

* perspectives

I use for different tags to show the perspective of a post, that is, either its point of view or its target.

- her
G.'s perspective. Stuff that relate to her.

- me
my perspective. Stuff that relate to me.

- them
the agencies/pimps/customers' perspective.

- us
details about my relationship with her (can be combined with others).

- you
your perspective, with you as "all-readers-in-general".

* timeline

I use 4 tags to give a hint about where I consider my relationship to be.
I consider you can depict a relationship as being in 4 different stages.
I call them here dawn, morning, afternoon, and sunset.

- dawn
The ones tagged as "dawn" are already set in the past and I just reflect about things that have happened a while ago. Like when I recall how we met, how I learned she was an escort.

- morning
For the moment, of course, all my posts describing events happening in my relationship with G. are in the "morning" category, as I consider our relationship just started. You're past the first steps, you learn about each other more in depth.

- afternoon
We haven't reach this one yet. I imagine an afternoon to be the part of the day where you just take it easy. Things are clear, you just enjoy your day. You know where you're going. That's the cruise speed. Hopefully we'll reach this one someday :-)

- sunset
This is the end, for the best and/or the worst. Not sure I want to reach this part of the day.

This is kind of cheesy, but I like this way of putting it.

* themes

I don't like to have too many tags on a blog, so I try to have general concepts which encompass the focus of the whole blog. I will probably use some theme-related tags to, defining general topics of interest I might be blogging about regularly.
Jealousy, prostitution and love, for instance.


I might also use a few informative markers. Therefore the MGFIAE tag is more like a general "news channel" you can refer to for announcements providing information about the blog, the newsgroup, the newsletter, and so on... Like this post for instance.

I hope this clarifies things and will feel natural to use.
It does for me but maybe my perspective is wrong.

Our Apologies  

Posted by H in ,

I'm a damn idiot, and she's back home from her long night of duty.

She came back at 6.30.

Like I knew it would be the case, her customer required more time and was willing to pay for it. So she and (the other girl) stayed another hour.
And then the guy requested another one.
And another one.

She called around 5.20 to tell me she was sorry and couldn't go yet and was wondering if she was waking me up and if I was worried and explained all this.

I never know what to say in this case: I am very honest person, but I hate to give her a bad conscience. No, everything's fine, I was just working, couldn't sleep, I said. Of course she doesn't really buy it, and it's a weak half-lie (I usually work at night when she's gone to get if off my mind, and be up when she comes back and cheer her up if I need to, make it go away), but she knows I'm OK and I'm not mad.

Then she told me the guy just couldn't stop asking for more, even though he probably didn't realize a thing anymore (boy, I'm pretty sure his credit card will send him a nice reminder of what the reality takes like in a few days... or Johnny boy has way too much money). Might have to stay for maybe another 2 hours. Maybe only 1.

Finally he got so drunk and baked that they could persuade him it was time to call it quits.

And she came back home, exhausted but safe and all smiles, around 6.30.
She apologized for everything.

It is I, who should apologize.
For not trusting her on this, and for letting my fears eat me up like this when my reason tells me everything's fine.

We ended up going back to bed like if we were going to sleep as usual, even though I was already late for work and just waited for her to fall asleep and leave.

I love these mornings. Because I know she's home and fine.

Though sometimes I wonder if she'll be home when I come back, or if I'll find a note telling me she's sorry but she's to work until stupid-o-clock.

But right now, I just sit at my desk at work, and I'm happy.

My Black Tuesday  

Posted by H in , ,

Here I am, early hours of Tuesday morning, 5 AM.

Another of these lonely nights were I'm waiting for her wondering where she is.

Sometimes it makes me understand a little more what my parents must have experienced when I started my errands as a teenager. You know you have to trust the object of your affection.

But even if you do trust, you still worry, and you can't help it. Sometimes you'll just wait and let it go and be confident and go to sleep, maybe just waking up once in a while to check your watch.

And some other times you just can't get the bad pictures out of your head. You stepped into this dark zone, the one where you start to get afraid, and it's hard to come back to the light.

She's out there. You're here.

And you do not necessarily feel any anger or sorrow about her being with someone else. Or about her having to leave you at 11pm when you had set up dinner for her and rented a movie because you knew she would be coming back from work around 10, exhausted, starving and silently hoping to have a cheerful evening with you. With no talks, no tears, no fights. Just a DVD (a comedy) and some decent food. Not even a great candle-light dinner, though sometimes she loves it. But just food, the movie, and you. Laughs and smiles.

And then she gets a call, argues a little over the phone, asks for the price, and finally abides to the agency's demands. That's her job.

At this point you don't get mad. You don't hate the customer who called. You don't hate the agency, though you regret she has to go. Well sometimes it happens, you hate them. Dearly. But that's another story...

In this case, you just let it go, you go grab her coat, tell her she looks fine and doesn't need to worry about refreshing or re-doing her makeup, and you give a kiss and smile and wave while she goes out to catch a cab.

You wait 2 hours and you're fine. She said , so it'll take 3.
After 3 hours she should have come home and be here by now.
No calls, no apologies, no explanations.

You don't bitch and moan because sometimes the jobs get extended on demands. She can refuse, but she usually doesn't. She's acting professionally. Though she does it sometimes because she knows it's hard on you.

You wait one more hour.

And another.

And you start to freaking wonder how long you're going to be able to wait until you pick up the phone and give a call to her agency, because you already figured out where it is and what the number is, and ask where the f*ck she was supposed to work tonight because you haven't heard of her.

But you can't make a scene. It's her job, and she's probably fine. And she's probably going to call. At some point, she just can't do it now.

And now she's 4 hours late.
It's 5 AM, and you are scared she's not coming home.

Mom and Dad, if you ever read this, please forgive me...
For these bad nights, for your black Fridays, black Saturdays, black Sundays, black weeks, even black months and even black years. Of waiting. Lost with nothing else but silence and worries.

Her Views on Polygamy  

Posted by H in ,

Now that you know my views, let's have a look at hers.

G. basically consider it is written in our genes.
That we cannot control it.
Especially for men.

Being a somewhat rational and scientific person, and though I believe one of the strongest needs of all living organisms is to procreate and expend their population, I do not really believe either of these are fundamentally true.

But it would make sense, as monogamy is definitely not a general rule in the animal world (though some species follow a monogamous scheme like humans).

Nevertheless, I don' think are utterly more monogamous "by design", if I may say so, than women. I would agree the facts are against me. But this is a matter of social context, historic indoctrination and tradition.
Women have been enslaved and used, and even today in our modern and civilized era, they still aren't considered equals. Pretending the opposite would not only be a lie but also a grotesque joke.

Like I said, it depends on context, and even the modern trends vary depending on your location. Social behaviors and etiquette are quite different whether you are in the Middle East, South-East Asia, North or South America, North or South African territories or Europe.

All these areas have various origins and history, and their past define their cultures. And the submission of women to men's control unfortunately ruled over pretty much all of them and still do in some of them, if not all, more or less insidiously.

But I've lost myself, that's more my personal reflections on my girlfriend's views than her views themselves that I reported here.

G. considers everybody to have a need for polygamous relationships, and we agree on the possible futility of the thing. That it can be controlled. We're not sure it can be removed though.

Everyone starting a relationship and seeing it getting stable and on the verge of long-term planning always has this thought: "wow, is he/she going to be the last one I'd meet and kiss and have sex with?".
Don't blush or hide yourself behind your screen, I know you thought it. Or you will.

But you can control it, and like I explained in my post, not succumb to your pulsions and just learn to enjoy their coming and going without feeling regrets or sorrow.

After all, going out of your way to fool around with somewhat else wouldn't bring you much.

Or would it ?

After all, this is a relief. You could get rid of your inhibitions, let your mind free to wander, and plunge into the joys of the flesh like you just go out enjoy a beer with some friends before returning home.

While your dearly beloved may go out do the same like she does when she has a girls' night out and leaves you in front of your TV and soccer/rugby/football/basket-ball game.

If you put it like this, it seems rather healthy.

Besides, some people have a more intense sex drive than others.

G. appears to be unstoppable sometimes. If we fall into cliches, it would look like I'm the girl and she's the guy. She just can't get enough. And when she finally does, then it's over. Time out, time to go to bed and sleep. Curtain. She can be as selfish as a man could be with this.

Which I think is pretty funny, because she keeps believing I am looking at other girls all the time and only think of sex, because "all men do" and "that's what [we] do".

But in the end, she's usually the one thinking of sex and I'm the cuddly one. She's the loud one and I'm the quiet one.

Maybe all this comes from her job too. I guess endorphins can be a drug like any other, and you might feel the need to get your fix regularly and more often than usual if you start practicing too much.

Or maybe some people are more naturally designed for this. Without talking of predestination and fate, maybe we just don't choose this and act just the way it's the easiest for us, based on the chemicals running through our veins and that make that whole machinery work and crave for something.

As another example, G. can easily masturbate 10x a day if we don't have sex. I was actually kind of surprised at the beginning, between "damn my girlfriend is great and open about this" and "okay, she's definitely a sex addict".

Personally I must have masturbated twice since I met her, in 6 months. And when I was away from our home.
Okay, I used to do it more often with other girls, she just draws everything out of me anyway. But still. not *that* often.

My point with this is, and hers, that maybe some people need more attention and more than one person to satisfy their needs. And if I'm not enough, and considering I want her happiness and her to feel comfortable, why would I be against her dating other people ?

If she does it only for sexual pleasure, great!

If she happens to start feeling something for someone else... then we'll see but I could be OK. It would make everything a lot more complicated, as it requires the agreement on this of the N people involved, like we said a the top of this post. But could I blame someone for loving her ? No. she's amazing. Could I blame her for loving someone else than me ? Well, things change. Could I blame her for loving someone else than me, plus me ? Nope, she's got a big heart, and she's entitled to have what she deserves.
It's just a matter of coping.

My Views on Polygamy  

Posted by H in ,

It is interesting how G. and I manage to agree on specific topics about the social behavior, and how there is always one of us who fails to accept to accept this principles to him- or herself.

I discussed the other day my position on jealousy and made a note about G.'s impossibility to accept me doing her job if I had to.

On the other hand, whereas we both have similar views on polygamy, I can accept her seeing other people but I wouldn't accept myself doing it. I feel like I would betray her. Then, how come I don't see it this way if she does it ? Is it because I don't really love her ? I really doubt so. Or is it because there is some kind of limit I don't want to step on, to see how she would really react.

The crazy thing is, that from her perspective, though she agrees it would be a normal behavior, she wouldn't be able to forgive me if I slept with someone else. Even though we started as if we were an open-relationship and she expressed the desire to see other people if she felt the urge, and I agreed to these terms, none of us went out of his own way.

If I had done it, she'd would have considered I cheated on her (now what kind of a trap is that ? Or is it just she can't help it, and she has a hard time really finding what she believes in ?); if she had done it, she would have felt bad for me.

Of course back then I had no idea she was an escort. So, technically, she had been seeing other people, but professionally.

I think polygamy is natural for the followings reasons.


Yes, love. Simply. And don't laugh. Who edited a law stating that you can love only one person, from an unconditional and true love ? Who said that you cannot love equally 2 persons at the same time ?

I don't know such person.

However I'd agree that it might be unfair for one (or more) of these 2 (or more) people you love that they have to share your love with others. Though you do not really share it, it is still something than can be hard to deal with.


This is even simpler. You might deeply love a person and still sometimes have fantasies about others. Well I'd say - as long as your partner is on the same wavelength as you, of course - go for it!.

This is just pure and simple animal sex. Sure it can be interleaved with feelings too, but it won't reach what you have with your ideal partner.

It is just a matter of satisfying your own lust, desires, needs, fantasies, and cravings.
As long as it is agreed upon, I really don't see a show-stopper here.

Nevertheless, I cannot do it.

G. says I just say I can't but would if I had the occasion. I don't really think so.

When I come across an attractive girl on the street, and *if* I notice her because I'm not out there looking for preys - I happen to have a life, you know... - I tried to act in an non-offensive way.

Sure, male and even female friends of mine tell me it's natural to look, that it's a compliment. But you cannot be certain that the person you look at at this very moment is in the mood of feeling like the object of your desires.

So I'd just throw a discreet glance, and surely won't turn around to look.

And my mind doesn't wander. G. thinks I must have fantasies and sexual desires running wild in my brains when I see a beautiful girl.

I don't really. I admit I'll look at her, think that she's goddamn beautiful, hot, pretty, cute or whatever attribute describes the subject of my attention.

But I don't get started with fantasies. It's just nice to look at someone. It's a sort of natural art, it's an ephemeral moment of admiration, for one of these attributes you are receptive for at this very second.

And then it's gone and I think it's natural to let it go.

What about you ?

My Reality, Your Reality  

Posted by H in , ,

Today I received interesting comments from a girl named "sarah".

Sarah is apparently an escort too, and thinks I am not real.

I felt a bit strange after reading this. I didn't think at all about this kind of trust issues when I started this blog, actually. I just got online one day and while I was surfing and reading the blogs of some girls in the escort business because I wanted to understand G. more, I thought "just let's do that".

Like I explained previously, I just wanted to get feedback about what people like me or like the girls go through.

And like my first commenter sarah put it - quite bluntly but really to the point, I have to say - I surely have no clue what's going on through G.'s mind.

I have no idea what it takes to do this, mentally or physically.
That's also exactly why I write.

Thus it felt kind of strange to get yelled at. Well, she just wrote, but judging by her last comment, she seemed pretty pissed of at me, telling me to go "fuck [myself]", so I guess she would have yelled if we were talking face to face.

But she's got a point, really.

Am I doing just "tabloid journalism", like she says ?
I'm not famous, neither is my girlfriend. And if she were, I wouldn't dare to say it here.

But I am still writing about personal stuff here. And yes, I am trying to attract people to read what I'm writing, let's be honest. But I don't mean to attract just anyone, just any idiot passing by and hoping to satisfy his voyeurism. Like I said in my first post, well, if you're this kind of person, good for you. Maybe you'll find something of interest here. But I'm more hoping to attract people to whom all this speaks. People who can actually relate to what I'm typing on these pages.

But how can I prove I'm not making stuff up ? That I'm not just building up a story out of thin air ?
Sarah got me worrying about this for a few hours actually, and my conclusion is: I can't. Or I could but that's not worth the price.

So for those of you who think it's just a book I'm writing, I hope you'll enjoy it. After all no one ever said a book as to be built on a true story to be good and enjoyable to read, right ?

For those of you who think I'm just making stuff up, not even writing a story, and just trying to take advantage of you in any way: sorry! And if you want, well go around and write everywhere you can that I'm a fake. Big deal. I can't stop you, neither can you stop me.

Tabloids will always exist, they're a weak form of journalism, but people still buy them. And I really hope it's not the kind of people who come here to read me, honestly.

And if you think I'm real, then thank you.

I can understand sarah's point of view after all. I found blogs written by escorts. Blogs written by customers. Blogs written by agencies. By managers. I didn't find that many written by relatives and partners.

Why ?
Is it taboo ? I surely hope it isn't.
Is it too awful to write about ? I have no self-esteem, I don't care what people will think of me, especially online when some people in real life already point fingers at me and tell me "how can you keep this going with *that* girl ?".

Is it a side of the situation that is not interesting at all ? So boring no one wants to read about it, even less write about it ? I don't think so. Maybe of course, for the ones only interested in the voyeurism here, the ones reading the tabloids, I guess it's less interesting than the girls' story. But for the other ones, I'll guess it's not so uninteresting.

So I'll be happy to try to fill the gap here.

Because like sarah said, I have no idea what's going through her mind and what it takes her to do this. And "her" refers to both sarah and G.

But probably neither does she have an idea what goes through mine.

She might have dated other people before while doing this job, and they might have different or similar reactions. But unless she was in the same situation, dating a guy or girl doing this job, she can't *know* what I'm going through. She can assume it. Having been in this industry, she probably has a *clue*. Okay, so she's better off than I am. She still can't know for sure.

That's one good enough reason for me to keep writing.

My Jealousy  

Posted by H in ,

A few of my acquaintances who know about my situation, and some of the visitors since I open this blog a few days ago, always ask me lots of questions about how it goes and general stuffs, but one of these questions is always the same: how do / can you accept it ?

More often than not, they use "can" instead of "do", clearly stating their personal opinion on the subject, clearly bringing out from the start that it doesn't seem like something they would deem natural and healthy.

I deal with it pretty easily actually, like I said in my previous post, My Acceptance. But there is of course only this black spot: the jealousy. Even when you have the hardest convictions, the finest representation of a concept, evil feelings like jealousy or envy can have you send it all through Hell.

People seem to think than I am just hiding behind my convictions. That they're just a facade to use as a shield. Either I am too weak to have stop they say, or I am too proud to recognize how I feel. And thus still too weak to do anything. I reckon idiots usually feel the need to separate people in 2 categories: the ones who are strong enough - and the G. guy knows they're part of it - and the weaks. The wusses.

Seems to me like some people have troubles dealing with their own pride and their own fear of actually not living up to the big Game of Life, don't you think ?

I simply am not jealous. I am not saying I've never been and never will be, nor that I don't sometimes feel this dark dart of fury starting to itch my buttons. Of course not. Sometimes you go out, and one guy looks at your girl in a way that definitely isn't the appropriate one (no offense intended to Mr J.M. Coetzee). But you know what ?

He can only look.

Well, ultimately, he can touch too. Right. He can try, at least, to see how far that would bring him.

Some actually even do. People who are either really to intrusive or who just have good social skills and don't make it in an intrusive way, who approach respectfully and correctly. But they don't get to decide.

She does.

If she's in a good mood, she'll grant their silent wishes.

Let them look at her hips. Maybe even go for a short dance.

She won't accept drinks, or a least not if I'm here. And I won't mind her to, whether I am in the vicinity or not. Free drinks are what they are: free drinks. Nothing wrong with that.

Because ultimately, they're the one willing to start the game, she's the one drawing first blood by deciding of the rules, and she's always the one scoring match point. A single move too far and they get turned down hard, or get kindly seated on their; depending on how good their company was.

And then she comes back to you.

"Beautiful", I hear the skeptics say, "but what about the times where you're not around man ?".

Ahh. We go to the very core of jealousy.


Well there's not good answer for this. But I think if you trust someone, you can't really get jealous in his/her absence. You might have a slight doubt, for a split second, when your mind wanders and you wonder what he/she's up to. Why he/she's late. But you trust. So in the end, the only worries left are the ones about the loved one's safety and happiness; not the ones about luscious nightmares.

"That's all great", say my skeptics without departing themselves of their mean and all-nothing smirk.
"But that's only a general thought about relationships. In your case, you girlfriend, this escort of yours, she goes out and does nasty stuffs with other guys."


"And for all you know, she even does it with more than one at the same time. And lesbians. And old creeps."

True, true.

"She gets fucked by all those people, they make her scream and bite her shoulder right at the same spot you'll be doing it if you were here".

Yep, they probably do.

And still she comes back to me. And she doesn't come back to me for money. For this, she lets *them* come. Indeed, in many ways... And sometimes she comes back with a big smile, and it never crosses my mind that it might be because she enjoyed her last session with a customer. And sometimes she comes back with tears in her eyes.

But what matters in simply that she comes back.

She rarely enjoys having sex with her clients. Okay, that's only based on the assumption that she didn't lie when she told me that. I've got no proof your Honor, your got me. Dead on. But it's still about trust.

She just does her job, gives them one if necessary, and that's all there is to it, pals. It stops right there.
Thanks for the night, that was great. Yeah that was fun just call the agency again if you feel like booking again. Have a good night. Money's already on the agency's account, part of which will be transferred to hers in a few hours. And the guy might call again. More money.

Hell, he might get addicted. I wouldn't blame him, she's a wonderful person. She won't, on the other hand.

These people who come to see her, they don't get more than what they came for. Sex. No pity. No friendship.
Possibly some understanding. She'll listen. Understand why they end up here. Either out of loneliness - and it doesn't matter if they're rich young big shot consultants with cocaine and lots of cash to spend to impress them or if they're middle-aged millionaires bored of fucking their own wives they married out of interest or boredom. They're still all here because of the loneliness. They might just not see it. - or out of misery, because they don't have anyone else. She's understand (see the post My Thoughts on Prostitution and Her Thoughts on Prostitution). Not pity them.

I can't get jealous of those people.
I'm better than them, for I am with her.

But now I hear my skeptics losing their temper and yelling at me: "come on! even if that's a rational behavior, you gotta feel something! Feel repulsed at the thought of what's happening. Feel bad about it! She's not only getting fucked, she's fucking them too. It's a two side street! And even if she doesn't really want to, even if she doesn't enjoy it, it just happens!".

Already my skeptics start to understand, against their own best (worst) will, what they don't want to face. See they already don't picture her screaming. They don't see her anymore like "the bitch you're dating", or "the gruesome whore you're fucking". Nope. Because they start to see that all the ugliness of it all doesn't stick to the person.

Well, it does to some.

I'm not saying everyone can manage this job, and everyone can manage to be with someone doing it.

But if she has the strength to detach herself from the act, and you have the strength to detach yourself from the big screen TV displaying the obscene picture in your brain in all its infamy, because you've seen it all and you know how it ends and what the characters are and that there's a trap under the carpet, then you're good to go.

It's like watching The Shining when you've read the book and now the ending. Despite Kubrick's talent, it's boring. No offense to the quality of the directing in this comment. There's just not much in the story that will surprise you. And it's all about the story. The content. The people.

It's exactly the same.

I understand her needs to do it.

I understand her position, the sometimes rotten scheme of society, and what we feel for one another.

Ah yes, love. But at the beginning, just after you started it. Was there already real Love, with a capital 'L'. Maybe, but probably not in the case of all the couples living alike.

Even at the start, when we weren't sure of our feelings, or of their reciprocity, I wasn't jealous.
Because I wasn't dating her by mistake, and I hoped she wasn't dating me by mistake either.

I dated her for the beauty of her soul. Well, for her beauty too, there's no possibility of denying that. But I respected the person she was. And the person she had to be, and the one she had to have been in her past.

It's about acceptance and support; but above all, trust and respect.

Once you've got these, jealousy cannot sneak in anymore.

My Acceptance  

Posted by H in ,

How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend is an escort ? That she makes money by fucking other people ? Or, if you prefer and as far as preference can go in that matter, by letting other people fuck her?

Well it comes down to how you consider the act of prostitution in the first place. As I discussed in previous posts (My Views on Prostitution and Her Views on Prostitution), and though G. and I do not always have exactly the same position, we do agree on this one thing: it is not completely ugly, as long as it's not directly and indirectly forced, and at the condition that rules are edited by the actual people selling - or more exactly, leasing - their bodies and skills and not enforced by the agencies. As long as it can be conducted in a safe environment, both from a mental, physical and hygienic point of view.

Of course, as I do not really play the role of Guardian Angel while G. is out doing her job and don't follow her to watch over her and won't sit in the room where she will service and am not really allowed in her office, I have no real idea of the conditions and their application, except for her own word. She suffices me enough, as a matter of trust, like I will explain in a later post (My Jealousy).

I can accept her job as long as she doesn't risk anything. That's the very first thing. Her safety is what comes first for me. If you don't have safety, you don't know what might happen.

My second concern of them all, is of course her happiness. Pretty far fetched, some might say, considering her job title. Not necessarily. Though it isn't her case, some people suffer an addiction to sex, and such jobs and their likes are a moderate evil as a therapy to treat them (either as a customer or as the service provider, which rejoins our views about it not always being completely wrong). Sex is a basic need, which can be controlled by most people, and not that easily by other. It is also a personal a desire, and an activity which can have you relieve a lot of your troubles. In this figure, it acts merely as a fail-safe. In which case they might end up doing this job without any hard feelings. That's why I am not necessarily jealous when people look at G., and why I wouldn't even be stricly opposed to her dating other people and us being in an open relationship. This is something we discussed together and our views are shared on this issue. However, I digress, I'll write posts about our views on polygamy or open relationships another time (My Views on Polygamy, Her Views on Polygamy & Our Open Relationship), and the matter of the jealousy will be addressed in another post like I said earlier (My Jealousy).

Back to the topic. I accept her having sex with other people because it is a professional activity, a mean to an end, for her to keep her independence. Sure my position (and hers) my change in (a not so far away) future, when we have been together for more time. In which case I'll update my posts or share new thoughts on this. But for the moment, we agree that we cannot take our relationship for granted, and personal specifics of her life make it necessary for her to be able to get a certain amount of money at very specific times, and that I cannot always provide. Because she has to stay independent, and because, well, I don't make enough cash for the moment. Though if I did, I'd be glad to share it with her and avoid this to her; and if it weren't for her need of independence. And I actually try my best for this to change.

Therefore I am OK with this situation as long as the benefits for her overrule the cons. As long as she ends up satisfied of the outcomes, and that they overshadow a definite disgust for what she does.

Yes, of course, she is sometimes disgusted by her doing and this industry. Even though, like I said, we agree on some aspects of such a business; if it's ethically - as far as ethics can go in this dirty basket - and driven; or that it might be a necessity for some people; or that it can be a mutual profit. Though no one would consider the latter to happen this often.

She's mostly disgusted by what the agency imposes her to do. Having her hair done, buying new clothes, mind-fucking the customer before going for the real thing. Like for all jobs, there is a social context. And I'm sure it requires quite cold-blood or control to be able to switch off your brain and leave behind your own mood swings and just smile for the cliche picture dictated by the "shut-up, laugh-on-demand and sit-and-look-pretty/sexy" archetypes.

On the other hand, this very same control allows you to switch on and off during the act itself to not focus on what's happening if you don't really care about it, and let your mind wonder about other things. G. told me she actually does that a lot. It might sound like directly taken from a movie, where the escort would keep on reading her book or think of her groceries for the dinner while some guy is going at it on her and not caring. Well, something of the sort.

She confesses she rarely has pleasure with her customers. It happened a few times though. It can be because she was, back then, in a good place this very day and just looking for pleasure itself and no feelings. Or because a customer is atypical and more careful of her needs than his (or hers). Or because the customer just manages to do a terrific job and actually manage to turn her on against her own initial desire. Reportedly, the latter happened to her once, which she thought was kind of scary. I can understand, because it proves that your body with all its chemical inner workings and nerves, can override your brain. Though it doesn't surprise me, I have to admit the idea is not really enticing.

That the agency forces her to be another person is mostly what she hates the most about the job, more that the concept of prostitution or the sexual doings. The latter are of her own will, in a way, whereas the former are an enforced "by-law". Of course, one could argue that as long as she decides to get into this business, it means she accepts both. But it depends on the agency, and it depends on the manager, and you might get ready to give out your body for a few hours without being willing to sell out your spirit, soul and personality as a free bonus. And also those things can be expensive, so if it pushes beyond the line of the normal care-taking of one-self and reaches pure superficiality and perfectionism, it definitely can be hassle. Though of course, she would tell herself that it is also what makes an escort good at what she does, and demarks her from another one. The perfectionism in the act, making people at ease, providing a "good service" (like she says), and carrying out a good image to attract customers or turn them into regulars and have the word-of-mouth do the rest.

That's quite an important condition. That her disgust doesn't take over. That it doesn't become to hard to play the game. To act. Imagine an actor having to act on demand. Though an actor can produce and convey an image on request, according to a script, and detach himself, partly or totally, from its natural essence, usually he also has the nice luxury of being told so in advance. He gets a script and a schedule. Whereas working as an escort can be demanding, as you have to be in the office for some hours, or be on call, or a mix of both. And I only consider the world of escort agencies, without going into the ones of prostitution houses or of girls walking errant on the strip.

The last main concern is her privacy and image. I am concerned about this too. I am concerned that this part of her past and present my affect her future. Both personally, and professionally. There is
always the eternal question all these sex-workers think about, as well as their customers. Do your kids know ? Would you tell them ? Or your friends ?

Though, knowing a few of her escort girlfriends (as in girl [insert space here] friends, for the side of English speakers reading me out there, though you could have been right with the other interpretation), I can tell some of them raise kids and have told them, or haven't. And both can work out fine, or at least at the beginning, and then it would be just a matter of the kids to have the acceptance of their parents past. It can't be undone anyway. Some are married and their husbands know and they still keep working as escorts. Some even have kids who end up doing the same job later. Though I wouldn't like it, well I guess at least you know what your kids (I mean, once they're grown up of course!) are doing and that they do it in a responsible and safe way, with respect for the same concerns as the ones I detail here).

But I am concerned that if you want to change your life, or if it's a temporary thing (and the escort position is not one you keep forever), it might be a bit of a problem. Try to explain this to your future employer during an interview. Or to cover up for a few years of employment in various agencies, which look as a black hole on your resume, and for which you can produce pay-slips, but without be able to account for the job you've done, or doing it at the risk of being severely judged and cast away. Life is not so easy.

Hell I meet people everyday who cannot even cope with *me* dating here, so I guess they would never understand her doing it or having done it in the past. They just consider it plain wrong and won't review this angle.

So I wonder of these consequences, and I want her to work responsibly and knowing that she has to preserve privacy.

These are all my worries about her and the personal conditions for my own peace of mind. Though I would agree that it's a matter of personality and that it surely doesn't reflect everybody's opinion.

I'd be curious to hear testimony here or on the newsgroup of other people.

If you are or were an escort or someone dating/living with one, what is your own perception of this.
If you are in the latter category, do you fully accept her job, or is it something that you just cope with matter-of-factly ? Or something you totally reject ?
And if you are in the former category, how did people deal with the news once their where in the know of your occupation ?

Her Views on Prostitution  

Posted by H in ,

Before she confessed she was an escort, G. told, during this discussion we had on our balcony (well, it was *her* balcony back then, actually), that for her, it is actually quite natural.

It is, supposedly, the oldest profession in the world. Though I guess this can be doubted, it surely has been around for a very long time.

Also, she considers it a normal pattern to feel desires towards other people of the opposite or of your own sex, whether you are already involved with someone or not. She believes in lust, may it be meaningless and just a crusade for fun and pleasure, or may it be meaningful and just the research of an other human being's compassion and empathy for a few forgettable but also so eternal instants.

She is quite jealous though. I'd write about this issue another time, but the fact is she doesn't really manage to apply to her self the pattern she considers normal in others' lives. She doesn't think she'd be able to walk in my shoes if it were the other way around.

Even if I'm faithful but authorize her to seek other partners as I respect her desires and wouldn't want her sex drive to be deceived as long as she comes back to me, she's can't accept the thing the other way around. She agrees with me, sees it that way, but just can't deal with it. It brings her brain close to a fatal failure just by thinking of me getting close to someone else.
And that's in the case where it would be based on mutual desires and feelings. So let's not even get into the details if it were paid sex.

Where does that live us ?

Well I guess this is another take on prostitution: whether you are able to accept it in your life, and from both sides.
What do you think, readers ?

This is, of course, in retrospect after her confession.

When she confessed she (finally) confessed what she was doing, why she was sometimes leaving so late or in the middle of our improvised dates, she sounded a lot different.
Still accepting the concept, still considering it a normal thing.

But also showing some anger at the ugliness of the business, at its superficiality, when it could be just a matter of simple desires and needs. The social aspect (social as in "clubbing, partying, mingling, giggling-like-idiots-and-showing-off-shiny-hot-girls", not as in "social environment as a cause for all this") drives her sometimes a bit mad. Nonetheless, she recognizes it is necessary, as it is, after all, a business. And a service provider puts the customer first. Yet it is sad to see that it could be fine and respectable and looks like a farce in way too many cases.

How many of you have been out in bars and nodding at a friend at a girl with a guy and telling him or her "yeah, right, no way that guy is with her, she's got to be an escort or in it for the money." The hot-ness of their behavior, the very convincing looks they share are not enough to cover this indescribable thing between them, that makes the scene slightly odd. Maybe it's the tension we can perceive by looking at the guy, which is not exactly the same as if he were trying to pick up a girl. Or when the guy's been doing this for a while, maybe it's the fact that he's overly confident and dismissive of her favors.

Or the fact that she goes far beyond the limit of decency for a public place, maybe, too... that happens too, unfortunately, and that's one of the moments where I feel deeply sorry for the girl, because in this situation I don't see no benefit for her at all, except the electronic transfer landing on her account in the next 3 hours. And neither does G.

After her confession, she'd also let other concerns appear in daylight. Whereas she would use to try to convince me with big smiles things were alright (she was going out with friends but couldn't really take me, because she owed them a favor and was quickly showing up but hadn't told them yet she was seeing someone and didn't want to force me on them, or things like these), she would now feel obligated to apologize for leaving in the middle of the night and avoid crossing my eyes when she would leave and come back. Before she would have hidden her feelings, confident there was no give away anyway and was concerned about not giving any, and really happy to see me and come back to something positive.

So, if once you've entered a logic of truth and trust, you end up feeling more ashamed than before, I guess it speaks for itself and shows there's something which isn't quite right, that makes you think your job is not that great and that respectable.

At least not in the sleazy and perverted situations.

But the nice and understanding ones are rare, unfortunately.

My Views on Prostitution  

Posted by H in ,

A short time after G. and I started dating, we had a talk on prostitution, which pre-dated my discovery of her secret job.

It was one of those lazy evenings where you prefer to stay at home doing nothing and just talk, having a smoke on your balcony, wrapped in the private shade of the dimming light of the sun while you can still enjoy its warmth.

One of these evenings where you start talking about nothing and everything, and make nothing out of everything. We talked about politics, cinema, music, video games, genetics, politics, some more politics, episodes of our respective childhoods, and we ended up rambling about prostitution (probably because it came as a logic sequel to another political argument).

I had no clue back then she was an escort. Not a single tiny clue, I have to admit. I could feel the was the kind of person who definitely knows how to use her looks and had learnt to move in ways that just drive you crazy. Or if she didn't learn it, boy, did she do it well unconsciously. That's what I thought.

No that I recall this episode, it is quite funny. Maybe she was trying to test me and check if I'd be alright if the problem came under the spotlight. Or maybe she tried to give me a hint and I just didn't pick it up.

Anyway... This post and the followings are about this. What we talked about, a short summary of our views on prostitution.

As a teenager, when I started sharing with friends the usual kind of thoughts every teenager has about sex, relationship and his future life, I wondered if it would be a problem to me to date a stripper or even a prostitute.

Though I couldn't imagine myself going to a strip-club or hiring an escort or picking up a girl on a sidewalk or going to a house, I was not repulsed by the idea. I just didn't feel any dislike for the other part.

But I had pretty strong feelings about the business in general. I was pitying the girls doing and cordially hating people who would take advantage of them in such situations, as pimps or customers, though I would acknowledge some girls would do it for fun.

[NB: you'd have noticed by now that I usually refer to the actors of "escort/prostitute" role as girls and to the actors of the "customers/pimp" roles as guys. This is not a sexist point of view nor a reflection of my vision of society. This is just how it is in my situation, though G. has had female pimps, male coworkers, and female and males customers. This is just a standard work environment lately, and I grow tired quite fast of paying attention to genders. No offense intended to anyone here, with any kind of sexual attraction.]

I couldn't accept these people's job, because I couldn't accept my sister, if I had one, to be part of such a business.

And though I didn't feel any disgust towards the girls, I'd consider there's always something better you can do to earn money, like I consider there's always something better than asking for charity on a sidewalk. I'd review my judgment now, having met pretty successful tramps making more money by the hour than me (though with less social security and workplace safety conditions...) and dating a girlfriend making a hell of a lot of money in a few hours of job). But back then I was less pragmatic and less experienced, and my ethics were more binary.

Though appaled by the business, the principle in itself appeared to me fairly acceptable. Like considering nuclear chemics an acceptable field of research as long as it's not used to produce atomic bombs. I understood it as a service, a desire, a need, and maybe the opportunity for people cast away by the unsaid rules of our society to get a glimpse of humanity, ironically by acting in a dishumanized way.

And hey, if it was OK in ancient Greece, then it probably still should be, after all they were pretty smart fellows.

Nowadays, my views have changed a little. Like I said, I am much more pragmatic, and I sometimes even see it from the business side. It's a very profitable business. For everybody. Then is it shameful ?

It can be, of course. It just depends how it is managed. How it gets done. But what people see as awful in prostitution are the sexual acts and the willingness of people to sell out their bodies. They're more repulsed by the service providers and their sleazy pimps, who sometimes are not that sleazy, than by the innocent customers, who sometimes are far from innocent.

It is morally wrong then ?

I don't really think so. Imposed domination is wrong. It doesn't mean that prostitution necessarily implies forced domination. Or forced depreciation, forced humiliation.

It can be a part of the customer's fantasy, in which case it might be acceptable if the girl is OK with it, or it might be a part of a more morbid and sexist habit, in which case, even if the girl would accept it, I consider it clashes with higher ethical considerations.

Unfortunately, one is forced to admit that prostitution does not always occur in the best conditions. It is already much better in most of the western countries than the way it's done in - even developed - Asian countries, for instance. But even then, there is almost always a social context behind the girls ending up there. So it's not really a completely willing commitment, nor a completely stable situation, from a moral point of view.

I think one's views on prostitution is influenced by many things. But mostly, I think your education is what determines your balance. The education given to you by your parents, your school, your TV, your stereo, your iPod, your XBox, your neighbor, your neighbor's kids, your old grumpy local bookkeeper and so on.

They influence you and define - sometimes by contrast ... - your moral values. Then comes your sexual education, if we can call it like this. Anything remotely related to your perception of sex. Your church, your hot friends, your first crushes, your first dates, your neighbor's older kids doing it, your parents doing it, and so on...

A friend of mine used to tell me that basically, it all comes down to the fact that our society frowns on anything that is associated with the pleasures of the flesh. Which is, I agree, kind of true. There is a "taboo", a seal, applied on everything bearing the symbol of our carnal desires.

Therefore we grow up ashamed of being naked, ashamed of revealing emotions experienced by just about everyone else, ashamed of our performances, ashamed of our inclinations. Ashamed of our desires. That friend's parents where managers in a swingers' club. By 9, he was working at the club distributing free condoms.

I hear people screaming to all their saints in the background already. Though surprised at first by this mental picture, I still can't find anything wrong with it, nothing that I could blame his parents for.

He is now a very caring person, very respectful of the opposite sex and of people's sexual preferences. He has an open mind and doesn't judge, and has empathy for people like G. and me. He doesn't fell ashamed of himself when anything private about him surfaces in a conversation.

And see the good side: at least they were giving out free condoms and ensuring safe sex in a family-friendly environment where people where keeping some control over themselves and taking care of him and not forcing him to do or try anything. And now he can say he's from the people who have been to swingers' clubs. And seen strippers, and have some stripper-friends, and have tried what there is to try. People who've done it all, seen if they like it or not, and who know can sit back and think "OK this doesn't do it for me but go for it if you want. This sucks. period. That I wouldn't really recommend or take it easy".

Though my parents didn't raise me in such an extreme environment, I thank them for no homophobic grudges, for giving me a religious education just out of tradition and letting me decide for myself, and for having been there in case of uneasy talks without being too bald and bringing them bluntly upfront in any embarrassing way, and being good parents in that they managed to make a good distinction between the "raising", the "bounding", and the "buddy" parts of our relationship. I owe them a lot.

Not that he would necessarily mean that they would be OK with G.'s job, though I guess they would. Because they'll probably see it like I do.

And now that I know what G. does, and that she could give me more information on this scene, I can even be more lenient towards the "puppet masters" of this business.

The only evil in there, is the one you create, and the one imposed by others, the evil puppet masters, and the customers who don't accept their own desires and still come to get some with a perverted and twisted mind instead of a simple desire to satisfy a need or find a beautiful and nice girl to smile at your for a few hours.

I accept the principle.
I understand but partially condemn the industry.
I respect the workers hanging at the leaves of the organization's chart.

Our Pandora's Box  

Posted by H in ,

Sometimes you wonder if the truth is really worth it.

Do I really need to know she's an escort ? We met and got along just fine, so what would it change to know ? If she already is one, it's already incorporated in our lives, entangled in our relationship, even though it's not visible. It defines a part of the person she is.

But the thing is, even though you are pretty sure of your facts and have seen through her, it is still just a guess, isn't it ? And it makes you sick to your stomach that you might be wrong. Almost as much as if you're right. If you're wrong, how could you have doubted her so much ? How can you think such things, imagine her that way ?

That's why you really need to know. Or at least that was my reason. Confirmation. Confirmation that I actually understood the person I was with. Confirmation that I know the picture to its finest layer of under-paint. And that I can now help her.

But on the other hand... all the pictures in your head now form in bright shiny colors. Yes, she's fucking other people. Or getting fucked by other people, if you prefer to see it that way. She has a sort of ability to detach herself and do this. And you wonder if you could do it. And you wonder with what guy you know she might have done it with. You wonder which kind of guys and girls are her customers, if you could detect something special about them if you came across them randomly. And you wonder if you could be one of them too.

It also means that from now on, every time she goes out for a job, you'll be sitting home waiting for her, knowing what she's up to, worrying about her being safe, being happy.

And then you realize the most horrible truth of all: do you dislike the fact she's doing this job because of what it does to and implies for her... or because of what it does to and implies for you ? Are you worried about her, or worried about the impact on your own personal life ?

This is a valid question after all. And if there's no shame in going into prostitution as a mean to an end, there's none in trying to be honest with yourself. I'd recommend you answer this question honestly, because it really defines what matters to you here.

I know some people could not accept the fact that they're dating a prostitute. Their pride simply wouldn't let them. They get scared of comments like "your girl's a f*cking b*tch!" They're more worried about their image; the situation is secondary.

Once you open Pandora's Box, all the questions will hit you hard. And her too. Yes, stupid selfish idiot, what do you think ? She has to deal with it too, on her side, with her perspective. She wondered if you could take it before, and that's why she didn't tell you, so don't get ideas: she's still struggling with it.

She still is anxious to tell you every day that she's leaving you to make money by satisfying some guy or girl's fantasies. She is scared that you might have said you were OK with it just because you were nice and wanted to look like the nice guy, but you're actually going to run away. She's scared you'll reveal her secret; A secret she trusted you with. She worries about you like you do about her when it comes to thinking about what it does to you. Does he go crazy every time I leave ? How much does it hurt him ? Can our relationship last if I keep doing it ?

More simple and down-to-earth question are now on the table too. When have you been tested lately ? Is it safe ? Would you tell me if something happens with a customer ?

Petty questions also scratch the surface ? Does she enjoy it ? Is she addicted to it ? Does she feel anything ? How am I compared to them ? What does she think of me ? Does she think I could be just one of them ?

You now realize that every time she leaves, you're sending her off to have sex with another guy. Or girl. And sometimes more than one of them.

But there's one really positive thing in this. If - yes, there's still an "if" - the two of you truly hold on to each other and are open to each other each and every one of these questions can and will be answered. In a way that you might not always like, but at least they'll be answered.

And finally, one day, all the sins of the world will return to Pandora's Box.

Or so I hope.
Because that's all we have left for now.

Your Time to Come Forward  

Posted by H in ,

This weblog has been created to share my thoughts about my situation, but also to give people facing similar issues in their day-to-day lives the opportunity to come forward.

Talking about such matters is not easy. I am well aware of it, as it took G. a while to confess to me and as it also required some time for me to decide to write about it and start this weblog.

But I strongly believe talking about it is important, both with my partner and other people. If you are in a similar environment, you might feel the need to know other people experience the same things, and go through the same joy and nightmares.

This is why I created a newsgroup as a complement to this weblog. You can access it at anytime by clicking on the "Newsgroup" button in the top bar of this website, or by going directly to

The MGFIAE Newsgroup is publicly open to anyone willing to
join. Membership is mandatory to be able to post topics on it, but anyone can become a member. Be aware that the newsgroup has been tagged as "adult" and thus will require you to verify your age; but you won't have to provide any personal details for this.

I decided to set it as such because I do not intend to censor anyone's entries on the discussion group, and also because, considering our general topic, it might slip into fairly "politically incorrect" talks. It is meant to be an open discussion and meeting space, and everybody is free to swear, moan and rant in there. Though I would ask you to keep it "soft" and to not start any personal attacks on any members, which could be my only reason to take actions against you by limiting your account.

I encourage everyone to come forward and share their thoughts, doubts, and comments about my writing, both by sending comments replying to my own blog posts if you want to make an addendum or react, or by starting or getting involved in discussion threads on the newsgroups.

I would also strongly recommend you to be careful about your privacy and anonymity, in general and because we discuss here sensitive matters.

Google gives you the ability to do this very simply, by just creating a new GMail account for this sole purpose. GMail accounts are bound to Google Accounts, which will grant you access to the Blogger/BlogSpot and Google Groups services. You may of course use other e-mail providers, as Blogger and Google Group allow you to do so. This is just a personal recommendation and preference.

I would also ask new members to introduce themselves, so that we can then know who we are talking to, behind this opaque layer of anonymity. Get a feeling of who you are and why you are here.

The best way to do this would be to either start a new discussion thread with a subject line like "[NEW] - " or by replying to the general "presentations" discussion thread. Again, be aware of the privacy implications. Give us your pseudonym and the reason of you attendance. For instance, tell us if you are here as a worker of this industry (as an employee in close or remote relationship with an organization offering such services) or if you have contact with such a person. Or maybe you are just a curious reader.

The newsgroup's role is two-fold, as it poses both as a publishing service - the weblog's entries are being sent to the discussion group as well, so that you can simply reply to the thread instead of commenting on the blog. I like you to have the opportunity to use the communication channel of your preference - and as an open discussion space.

I am really looking forward to reading what you have to share.


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My Girlfriend is an Escort

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