My Protection, Her Self-Defense  

Posted by H in ,

Sarah just wrote an interesting post [Don't Feel Sorry for Us Please] about how she thinks that escorts are not anyone's to rescue.

Her blog is probably one of the blogs I follow the most. She writes regularly, has an interesting point of view, and doesn't really try to romance everything sh writes. It is spontaneous.

However, something often bugs me a little with her blog and the trail of comments she leaves online. Sarah apparently enjoys her job a lot. And I think this is very good for her, and actually a very good thing that she manages to like it. And getting paid for something you enjoy is something I consider everyone should strive for, if you don't want to get yourself worn out.

But she has sometimes some of these vindictive attempts at justifying her doing, which look a lot like they are part of a campaign to both have the world come around and get her idea that escorts *all* enjoy what they do, and maybe to persuade herself that things are OK. I am not in her head anyway, and I won't go any further in any sort of analysis. I consider she probably has done that herself a long time ago, and she probably really mean and live by what she writes.

But that's only *her* way of life and perception of life, and I think it is always a bit strange that she seems to consider all escorts to be exactly like she is. Probably I am not reading her blog well, and one has to just consider that her posts and comments apply to escorts working in the same conditions as her, and that when she writes something on the behalf of other sex-workers, the "we", and "girls" in her mind do not reflect the whole population of this business.

Still, she sometimes surprises me. Though I understand her point of views, they happen to not reflect at all the reality of the sex-workers I know and they describe to me.

Of course with the internet, not being at all the open-space of free speech and personal expression that we imagine it is, it is always hard to make a distinction between what is real and what is not. After having been reading a lot of blogs, articles and forums, and having been talking on IRC channel extensively on the subject, I have no doubt that what some of the sex-workers write online doesn't at all reflect their reality.

But it is completely understandable, especially for the ones using the internet as a medium to advertize their services. You cannot expect from an escort to say on her blog all the horrible things that get her depressed, if that blog is linked to her commercial website.

So the trend is pretty easy to recognize. The completely anonymous blogs have more value to me. Of course, most of them *are* technically anonymous, as you don't know the real persons acting behind them. But you can associate a lot of them to an image, a person embodied behind the keyboard.

When a blog or any other online communication medium is relatively detached from any connection to tangible persons, I happen to have much more trust in its views. Because they are not limited by the fear of losing clients and hurting other people's feelings, and neither are they driven by the need to appeal to the audience (or at least not commercially).

On the other hand, blogs that are linked to a commercial counterpart, or that can be associated with one in any way, always tend to be more ... epic. The stories are more enticing, the comments are more oriented.

Where the blogs of the previous kind reflect anger, hate and tears (but also passion, love and laughters) the ones of the second are less personal (of course) and will either be limited to general or merchandised views on the business, or stories in regards to their activity. But without any other real content, coming from the heart.

It is also easy to notice the difference between a blog written by a sex-worker working within the protection of an agency, or by a loner or freelancer. As I said above, the freelancer needs to promote an image. The one working for an agency can be detached from the job, as the agency provides anonymity.

Of course, and to avoid doing the same mistakes than the ones I blamed Sarah for, I have to say this probably isn't either an accurate depiction of the whole escort-blogosphere. Cases vary, people are different. It depends on their character, their experience (the protection of the anonymity might be learnt the hard way), their working environment. An escort working for an agency might also have direct contacts with regular clients, for instance. Thus, it becomes personal. But if it does, then this client is not "only" a client anymore and is entitled to see part of her more personal thoughts, and she might allow him to do so if he reads her blog.

Anyway, back to Sarah's post.

She acknowledges that some have an easy getaway with life and don't have to struggle as much as some others. I felt a touch of bitterness in that part. It's true, some people are born lucky, rich, and with the assurance of being taken care of for the rest of their existence. It's life.

She also says some girls will get sucked into this business, and thus acknowledges a certain destructive aspect of this industry. Therefore she acknowledges some girls *might* need, if not saving, at least some help. Actually I don't think most of them need it either. It is like other things in life: the majority of people get by just fine. I don't look at escorting any other way. There's nothing particularly *special* about escorting and its actors. That's also a really common trait of escorts' blogs. Either they consider their job with a complete lack of praise, thinking it is "just" sex-services, or they put themselves on a pedestal and think there is something so miraculous and exceptional in the nature of their job, on an emotional and mental level. I think it's neither. It's in-between. It's grey, like most things are.

Some drug addicts don't need saving and will be fine on their own. By getting out of it, maybe. But they might also keep smiking their brains out and still be fine.
It is the same when you are in a difficult financial situation.

You don't need saving, and you shouldn't rely on anyone else to save you. Ever. Whatever you problem is.

But there is no point in rejecting help and sympathy. Except if you just want to build a concrete shell around you. Which is OK (I do that), but you should be aware that, if it comes to the worst, and the shell starts to crack, it will take you down.

In the end, if I read Sarah's post with a different perspective, she starts by speaking on behalf of all the girls, and the more the post goes on, the more it appears she's only speaking for herself.

And the more I read it, the more I think that yes, she doesn't need saving and it doing everything good. She seems to be a great mother and she did what she wanted to do and had to do.

But then, how come so many posts are filled with negative remarks ? How come she needs to claim she doesn't need saving and then complains in other parts of her blog about all the little things that bug her ?

I don't know who Sarah is actually targeting in this post. At the beginning I thought it to be men in general. In the end it seems it's only client who take an interest in her and pity her. If it's the second, I'd agree 100% with her. If it's the first, probably not that much.

I don't see here any macho/feminist debate. This doesn't come from a vision that men are supposed to be there to be saviors in women's lives. I don't live by tis idea. I just happen to be with someone I love, and I *want* to help her, without her needing it or asking for it. Yes, G. was just fine before me. But she's feeling better now with me. And maybe it will break, and then she'll find something even better. Or it'll work and then it would appear the support was appreciated.

I support financially. She makes way more than I do in a short period, but she cannot do it too often. And she wants to stop. There is something to plan for the future, and that's where I might help, especially considering I will be making a lot more soon.

I support emotionally. I don't necessarily want to interfere with her management of her sex-job. But I am here when (and not "if") it is necessary. In various ways. It can either be by listening to her and letting her unload all the crap had to go through. But it can also be by doing the complete opposite, and giving her, for the time she spends at home, a completely different vision of the world she lives in. By not talking at all about something bad, sometime you still manage to make it all good.

I support her in all the ways I can. But I am not saving her. She does that just great. But there's nothing wrong with making it easier. And though I am really careful to not have her rely on me too much (I'd be glad to, but if we were to part way, I want her to be - almost completely - back to her old self), I offer my help, directly or indirectly, every single time I get the occasion.

She has built herself the type of "shell" I was referring to before. She has a really violent way of protecting herself actually, and of severing connections with people who have failed her. That's one way of protecting yourself. It allowed her to go through a lot. But always alone. Yes it's a good thing she got out of them alone. It's a sad thing that she's got no one to turn to. Not any real friends she can rely on, being 100% sure of how far they'll go for her.

Personally, I can count my "real" friends on one of my hands. By real friend, I mean one where I can be completely certain (or as close as it ever can be) of what they'll do for me if I ever need it. It's a good thing to know you have this, that you have backup.

Some of her friends *need* the rescue team. Yes, it happens. Some really need it. Back to our drug addict example: some will just go down in a spiral leading them straight to disaster and self-destruction.
Some of her friends are in this case. One of her colleagues is a 17 year old, she's completely lost, has been on the job for 6 months, and is starting to go down. She needs saving right now. And we try to help.
Another one, who is a freelance, just got a share of bad reviews, and had demeanors with law enforcement agencies. Her family is tearing apart, and she feels like she doesn't know what to do anymore. I am sure she'll be OK, eventually. Though why go though everything alone and make the effort last longer ?

To pretend "girls" in general don't need saving is like thinking all cops are violent evil, or all christians are pro-life, or all politicians are liars, or all artists are flaky, or all skinheads are vandals.

My Song of The Day - Love is Noise  

Posted by H in ,

I felt like posting something lighter today...

Recently, the publicly acclaimed rock band The Verve made an interesting come-back with their new album "Forth".

"Love Is Noise", one of the singles, caught my attention: I think the lyrics are quite interesting, in that they depict pain and forgiveness, and emphasize the value of doubt and perspective.

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles that are made in China?
Feel the bright prosaic malls
In the corridors that go on and on and on

Are we blind - can we see?
We are one - incomplete
Are we blind - In the shade
Waiting for lightning - to be saved
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again

Will those feet in modern times
Understand this world’s affliction
Recognise the righteous anger
Understand this world’s addiction

I was blind - couldn’t see
What was here in me
I was blind - insecure
I felt like the road was way too long, yeah
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m singing again, again, again, again, again, again

Cause love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I’m feeling again
Come on, come on, ah come on, ah come on
Now come on, now come on, now come on
Now come on

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles made in China?
Will those feet in modern times
See the bright prosaic malls?
Will those feet in modern times
Forgive me all my sins
Love is noise
Come on

I might be doing similar posts in the future. I am a somewhat musical person and I usually associate my moods and emotions to musical patterns. I might tag my future posts with music. Or maybe not, that might be too much o a privacy concern, actually. For this one time, oh what the heck... That was on the moment.

Her Friend's Rape (2), My Fears and Disgusts  

Posted by H in , ,

This long post is partly on the matters of rape and sexual violence in general, and on sexual violence in the escort business.

As I wrote earlier, one of G.'s friend got raped a few days ago.

It is sad that I had planned to take G. on a vacation almost at the same time, as she probably needed support, but she (G.'s friend) is currently being followed by a psychiatrist and went on to live with her parents for a while.

We got some news from her, and she seems to be doing fine. That's about it for the "good" news. She's OK, and though she still is depressed she apparently has a good time with her family and friends.

The ugly side of the story is that she is scared of going out, and that it will probably take her a lot of strength and time to recover completely mentally and emotionally. How long will it take until she feels comfortable enough again to go out in a bar like she did that night ?

And what will happen, when she finally hooks up again with someone ? Whether it's just for a passionate one night stand or while she's on the quest to find Mr Right ? How will she react the first time he touches her ? The first time he asks her for something she doesn't want to do ? How bad will it be it Mr Right reveals himself to be Mr Bad or even Mr Evil ?

Right now, though she's overwhelmed with the love and support of relatives, she's just a shell of a girl. A girl in her early twenties, who tries to cope with what happened, and struggles to make a reality check. Who believes she's also responsible for this mess.

She feels responsible for being raped. That's a common reaction, probably because that is such a shocking and unbelievable experience that you are brought to think that you surely must have messed up something for this to happen in the first place.

She did nothing. OK, I'd give you this, she's not the stereotypical innocent girl. She might be in her early 20s, she's already dated quite a few guys (and girls), has had a few ONS and some serious relationships going on.

She's no stranger in the emotional wasteland.

Also, she can be really kinky when she goes out partying and she surely comes out aggressively to lots of guys. Still, that is just fun. Of course I see this from the other side of the mirror, and having had girls doing this to me, boy, do I hated it... I am sure some people like it, it's just fun and part of the game. That's a seduction dance. Follow me and I'll run away, run away and I'll follow you.

But if you're not the party boy kind... well yeah let me tell you that's just annoying and even a bit cruel. But what in Hell gives someone the right to do this ? I mean, to go on and rape her, force her into something she doesn't want to ? Especially when things were going well and he could just have gone home or somewhere with her, and they could have just done that in a non-destructing manner.

That's probably what was going to happen. And if it hadn't, they would have kept in touch. The usual thing. Here's my number, give me a call, hey wanna go out sometimes ? That sort of scenario.

In the end, it still leads to bed.

They could have hooked up for a night, or longer. Have sex, and take parts. Why would that guy flip and suddenly turn like this ?

I can hear various people talking to their screen while they read this post.

Some will say she's probably partly responsible for being too open and suggestive. That's a load of crap. Yes it opens the door to naughty thoughts, yet everybody should (and has to) be able to control these. Without entering into any philosophical debate on the supremacy of Man over animals or anything of the sort (which I don't necessarily agree with in the first place), it appears dead clear and simple to me that nobody should ever force anyone into anything.

I also hear the ones cursing the great evil of the drugs (alcohol, cocaine, shit, you name it). I'd support the stream of thought saying they can lead to negative behavior. But only if you weren't educated in the first place to deal with them. In the end, the alcohol cannot be held responsible for the guy who drinks it, nor can the joint be held accountable for the guy who bought and smoked it. This is just backwards.

This guy just went astrange with society for a few minutes and decided "to Hell with the f*cking rules! I wanna f*ck this hottie right here and right now. And I want her to hate it and be the only one to enjoy. For once I want to be the only one to take benefit from one of these everyday-life's mini-trades".

I have no patience with rapists. I wouldn't crack their skulls open either, as it goes against too many of my beliefs, but rape is an act that often inspired me a really profound disgust. I am a really forgiving person, and I can understand lots of things.

I'll be able to rationalize the rapist's way of thought and errors. I won't be able to counter-balance anything else with does with his wrong-doing when he rapes someone.

I can debate the value of dropping a nuclear warhead on Hiroshima. I can understand Churchill's horrible and inhumane decision to have Dresden bombed and destroyed in the middle of WWII even when everybody knew there were no enemy troops in this marvellous city. I can see the end and the means, and though I condemn these acts, I can still admire other things the perpetrators have done. I can find a balance, an equilibrium between a Good and an Evil. Nothing is utterly black or white, and I can just consider one deed without holding the grudge for another.

But with rape, I simply cannot. I cannot look at the perpetrator and tell him "I hate you for this, but I thank you for something else". I just don't want to have anything to do with that person anymore.

He ventured out of the path of society, and in such a ignominious manner, that the only reaction I can have is to ask him to still stay out of the picture.

Though I know I'd eventually find forgiveness, as I cannot close my eyes on anyone if they turn out in a good way.

But it will be hard. Hard to accept a person as part of my system, who decided to force a defenseless girl into a shameful submission to his higher physical power. Hard to accept someone who puts strength above reason, and pain above pleasure. Someone who simply has no consideration. No control.

Anyway, she'll be getting better. You can find good things in everything, and even here. She'll be stronger, and more careful. But on the other hand, if you lose your confidence and your sense of security in leaving with your fellow human beings, how sadder can it get ?

G. called her from our hotel and talked to her for 2 hours. They were both crying for a good half of the conversation.

This brought me to think, while I was trying not to eavesdrop and concentrate (apparently very poorly) on my book, in the horrible heat of the autumn night (gee, glad we didn't come here for the summer). How destroyed would G. be if this happened to her ?

Would she be more or less vulnerable because of her job ? Would it make it easier for her to get over it ? Would she be able to tell herself what happened is just an even darker and negative extension of what sometimes happens with her clients ?

Or on the other, would it just push the buttons a bit to hard, and throw her off the fence ? Would it be the last straw ?

Would she also feel responsible for it ? Would she think it is a "normal" reaction to her life, and deserved treatment for the person she is and has been ? Would that make her see her whole life in a dark light and lose respect for herself ?

As an escort, she sometimes struggles to come to terms with herself. There was a time where she told me she hated herself for what she did. And others where she seemed unbreakable and certain her situation was a normal element of life and society.

One could argue that a single doubt legitimates everything and is the proof of her wrong-doing in being an escort. I'd agree if we lived in Utopia. But we don't.

I've read online blogs of working girls. Lots of them. And I find this ambivalence, ambiguity and duality in each and every one of them.

No matter if they are the type preaching the values of their jobs and claiming all responsibility and pride in doing it or if they are the ones who send cries for help on their blogs to exteriorize their sadness in regards to their way of life. In the end, not a single one of them would tell to a new girl asking them how it is and if they could get into the business that they should join it without a mere afterthought.

Except maybe a few bitter ones who would lose control too, in a moment of despair, and decide, like our rapist above, that they want to be the only ones getting something out of the situation. Or at least the ones not losing anything. And they think "the Hell with that girl, I did it and I'm OK, so can she", and tell them it's fine and even rewarding. Financially, sexually, emotionally and socially.

Which might even be true, purely pragmatically speaking.

Then how come a vast majority of them wouldn't tell it this way ?

How come a vast majority of guys in my situation would turn their backs on them ? (not that I'm saying no escort can ever find anyone, but there's be some bug turnover).

Is this because we are trained and educated by the legacy of centuries of social memories, where women's authority was, for the bigger part, publicly undermined, and privately praised ?

Or is there a definite, valid reasoning that brings people to judge, in their wisdom, these facts and situations as "unjust" or "unethical" ?

Does that mean I am on the other side of the river, and am actually a member of the pimps and johns I dislike, by indirectly supporting their business, in that I acknowledge G.'s way of life and support her ?

Back to the topic of sexual violence. Escorts have to deal with it frequently, whether they are freelance or working for agencies. It's the same for girls working in brothels, and street-girls.

Again, the lecture of working-girls' blogs is evidently instructive, and you'll almost always come across at least on post of them giving a story of a really bad encounter with a client, who couldn't control himself and kept doing things they asked him not to do, or doing them to wrong way. Who got "carried away" and lost control. Or their temper.

Is this also the result of an education based on centuries of domination and the perverse effect of an early sexual education based on men-directed porn movies ? This is also a very debatable topic, as I know heaps of women who are definitely more aggressive and violent in bed that other men. But where does it come from ?

Let's be silly for a sec, I was already too depressing today.

Maybe, if bars and brothers and escort websites could have a sign saying "we provide professional service to educated people". Johns should get a certificate of good conduct, which can be revoked on any occurrence of wrong-doing, and for a long period. A "Fucker's License".

But that would make it all too personal and open the gate to really partial judgments, and maybe take some people out of business. It would require an ethics committee to grant the certificate and validate the john's behavior and rule the escort's judgment at the end of a session. That would be too messy and time-consuming.

Whether violence is and can be justified, I guess they don't have so much of a choice but to accept its fatality. Like accepting the likelihood of a stroke when you have a brain tumor or when you chain-smoke.

And that I have to accept it too, indirectly.

Be safe, those of you who are out there tonight.

My Comments on Your Insecurities  

Posted by H in ,

Continuing my series of thoughts on things I've been browsing and reading lately, I wanted to comment on a few "cries for help" of people who just discovered their girlfriends are/were/could be/want to be escorts.

I can't say much about the last category. G. quits the job from time to time and goes back to it. It doesn't really mean she wants it. It means she wants the money. Or the sex itself, but the job itself... no. It has perks, it has a shitload of drawbacks too (if you don't see them, you need to contact a therapist to re-center your social context).

About the ones who think their girlfriends (or relatives) *could be* escorts, well there's also not much I can offer to them...

Just check. Like I said in my very first post, you have of course the gut-wrenching feeling of being an horrible person for even suggesting a person might be doing this... If she or he isn't. And you indeed messed up miserably if this scenario unfolds, but that can be fixed at some points. Or not, but there is no irreparable damage. OK if she was your girlfriend and she leaves you because that meant you had no trust in her, well guess what, she was just right. You guessed and were wrong. Now you know, she's gone, go on with your lives on your own.
Maybe you'll be back together later. Or not. There's no perfect story.

If he or she does, well you're dead on, and you can move on and see what to do. Of course, like I also said in another post, you'll set free the plagues hidden inside the Pandora's Box. Not for your partner, who'll have someone to finally talk to about it, but for you, as you might not be able to deal with the truth as well as you wanted to learn it. But still, it's a progress, and if it breaks, it just breaks.

About the ones who are dating or thinking of dating ex-escorts, get over it. It's done, stop being so insecure and if you are interested in them, how would that matter ? Sure it might be against some of your principles, if might be against your philosophy, your moral, or anything else that itches you. But maybe he or she changed.

Well maybe they also didn't. Same. If it breaks, it just has to break. Life is not meant to hurt, we're not meant to suffer, but there's no law saying thou won't feel a thing. When the doctor says something like that, it's an accepted by-law (at least if you've already been to the doctor or tricked by that lie once) that it *might* indeed hurt, and that it actually *probably* will. Similarly, I think you've all been hurt before if you're already reading it, so you shouldn't and won't get fooled again (here's to Mr Townsend) by that pitiful misconception of a great blue sky.

About the ones who are dating escorts, welcome to the club.
Feels great, doesn't it ?

Well, not so much everyday. Anyway, how's that working out for you ?

Take a deep breath, kick off your shoes. You'll have to deal with your insecurities. That's what we're here for. Here we go.

1) Your girlfriend is not necessarily a sex addict.

No. Just no. She probably enjoys it though (what do you think ??!), but can you blame her ? You probably do too.

2) Your girlfriend does have a moral and self-esteem.

Maybe not ones you can understand so far, but she does. There are reasons for this. Maybe you just don't see them, understand them, or accept them. Whatever of those 3 it might be, it's an issue. I'd recommend to address it fast.

3) Your are not the one in trouble here.

If you think you are, think again ("moron !", may I add ? No I wouldn't, I understand your problems, but I just want to shake you up a little. I'll be gentle).

She's the one dealing with this, and she's been long (or not, but whatever) before you. So she probably has some more experience to deal with this than you do (or not, again...).

She's the one who just gave out one of her biggest secrets to you. Or you uncovered it, but the consequence is pretty much the same anyway. She's the one at risk of loosing the most. What do *you* risk ? People pointing and laughing at you because you are dating an escort, a sex-worker ? Well if you are an ass, you can just walk-away saying you didn't know. Minor setback, honest mistake. Run away like a coward, leave her hanging, and you'll be fine. People will just be able to have a good petty laugh at you. Those are even stupider than you'd be in that case.

If you're not you stick with her, admit it, and you might appear to be a decent guy, maybe just dating someone possibly really kinky (they're just jealous, really), making heaps of money (jealousy again), with maybe some ethical issues pointing their noses at the front door, but that can get cleared up at some point, right ? Do your own damage control. For her, the damage is to loose family, friends, business, career goals, kids, the respect of half the world, and maybe her own as all this will make her realize she maybe did messed up when she got herself into this. Are you that blind that you can't see your problem is nothing here ?

Stop googling for things like "my girlfriend is an escort" (no wait, just keep doing this! and tell us how it's going! And without kinky details and names, please), "is my girlfriend a prostitute", and just sit back and think: "so what ?".

I'll give you this, I did it. I googled, not to know if she was one though. I actually started googling about things related to this matter after I learnt it from her. But maybe if I hadn't gotten her to tell me I would have. But I wouldn't think it's a good thing. That's just looking for a confirmation that there's something right or wrong about it, or a magic formula that for you it might have side-effects or not. Well there isn't. It's just here, the bunny is out of the magician's hat, and it's not pink and fluffy and cute, it's just a
freaking normal bunny. And it might have pooped in the magician's hat. Don't look for do's and don't's, for a good versus evil analysis.
Just go with the flow, and see where it goes. You won't see if it's good for you and her until you give it a shot.

OK that post had a somewhat dry and sarcastic take, and too many edgy parts where I was just trying to poke at you... Just give me a break, I'm having fun on vacation, I'm happy and silly.

What I'm saying still counts though.

My Easy Nature  

Posted by H in

Lately I've been reading a lot of blogs and news clips dealing with escorting and prostitution, and talking to people in the same situation as me.

Also, I received some private comments of people wondering what makes me capable of accepting my life with G. Some seem to think I am in a state of deep and constant unhappiness. I really do not see it this way (and hope dearly that I am not fooling myself. No one should ever be as proud as to think he or she is above anything).

I think I am really happy with our situation, and that we found each other. That's actually something we say to each other quite often. We are happy to have met each other, out of all people.

This is a super-cheesy line with extra cream on the top, but I can't think of a better reason for my well-being, and this is probably one element of response that defines why some of us apparently don't see the negative angle of our status.

I know there probably isn't a stereotype of the escort-boyfriend, but it seems like we all have something in common. At least the ones who stick with them.

We are just easy-going. That's a very simple way of putting it, but it's what comes out of what I've been researching lately.

Of course I didn't go around submitting a survey to people asking them to answer multiple choices and such, but I've been around and asked what people think of their own situation, and how it makes them feel.

In general the answers are always the same... They are all OK with their girlfriends doing the job. No apparent sign of strong jealousy, for instance.

Of course, all my interlocutors were not all in the exact same situation. The answers varied a little depending on how long they've been together, if she'd been doing the job before, and on their marital situation too.

There's actually an interesting curve here. The ones who are only at the beginning of their relationship with their escort-girlfriend, or who just learned of their activities, usually take it relatively well (again, I am of course talking here only about the ones who didn't directly run away and stick with them), but are really worried about future implications.

The ones who've been with them for a longer time are simply not concerned any more. They take it as a fact. They don't see it as a threat any more, they don't see it as a potential embarrassment. If they still have doubts about how their relationship is going to evolve, they don't think this "thing" will interfere anyways anymore. And the more certain they are about where they are going, the more confident they are with this state of things. The more relaxed they are about the situation, and the less anger or sadness they feel about it. That actually bugs me a little too. One the one hand I think it's a good thing because they obviously deal with the thing really well. On the other hand, isn't there a problem in forgetting the feelings that are at stake here ? Maybe there isn't if the girl is completely confident about it too, and thinks of going on forever (and I've never come across any long-running escort so far, though it might be the case, and it definitely happens with other sex-related professions). But if she's not, I think it means you are letting her down a little, unconsciously.

And then I noticed something weird. The ones who are committed to each other, by a legal or religious corpus, suddenly seem to have more troubles. Of course it would be easy to see her the narrowed mindset of people driven by the morals of a religious group, thinking this state of things cannot be deemed acceptable any more once a holy union has been sealed. However I don't think that this is the biggest point. Like I said, people with a legal-only commitment fall under this category too. The commitment is apparently the deal-breaker here.

The fact that both parts of the couple realize at once that they both *want* to commit to each other makes them abandon the principles or reasons or means that were safeguarding the situation from being seen under an evil angle. Suddenly, the partners feel uncomfortable about the whole business. Though everything doesn't still break apart. They just cope with it with more problems than they used do. Because, within this framework of durability they both built, they see again one tiny glimmer of danger for their stability in the background. As if committing was a step-back from the previous stage.

This is quite weird. Interesting too, but a bit scary for people who might wonder how things are going to be. G. and I aren't over-committed (yet). We just take things as they come and go, but definitely don't think of a future without one another. Though rationality makes it a possibility. We are probably in this frozen time frame where young couples (as in: newly formed, though not that new, but still new enough. without 15 years of history behind them. and not as in: 16 years old or anything. This can probably apply at 30 something or 40 something onwards) can't think of themselves separated but don't necessarily picture the future with both parties on the wall.

Anyway, back to my earlier subject. The common point between all my surveyed "escort-partners" are just they need to be supportive, and also a really easy-going nature. We apparently all go through a load of crap and devious ways where our ears are ringing of the screams and cries of our respective sweethearts. And we all realize one thing: if another one was doing this to us, we would just call it quits because it is just too demanding and too hard. So what makes it worth it in these cases ?

I hear idiots saying timidly in the background "amazing sex, maybe" ? That's a part of the equation, it is a pleasant factor, and no it is not related to their jobs.

I think we just all have a strange attraction for pain. Not for our own pain, but for others'. We just want to help. And whereas getting that much shit from another person would drive us crazy because there's no particular reason for it, or not a decent and valid one, with them it just means there is some understanding from our side that they just have been through more than we know. And that it is somehow sort of implied that we have to take some of it, shut up, and get on with it. Even if it's harder than what it is.

Some people say relationships should never be hard. Internally maybe not, but that would mean dismissing all the other external factors.

I am not really giving me a tap on back here and saying these people or me are godsends or saints. But really, sometimes I realize if it weren't for G., I'd just run away from this mess. And I don't mean her situation. I mean the changing mood, the constantly agressive attitude when she comes back from her work or when I come back from mine. That sort of things.

Seriously, most of the time I just come home, and her first words to me are a complain, and if it's not it would easily sound as one.

But fine, most of the time I just take it all in, breathe, acquiesce, and change the subject. If I had a miserable day myself, however, it's already much harder to take all that crap, because I just didn't do anything to deserve it.

I don't take much pride in doing this, nor do I think I'm being really good at it. Maybe it's just a pure coincidence that these escorts ended up finding these guys, who can just accept the situation. This is normal and common. A subset of humanity finding a compatible subset. Why should it be different than finding someone with the same tastes, or the same political views ? Here it's just a matter of complementarity.

We just happen to be people capable of thinking "she's doing all this for a reason, and she'll be my reason to take what's left and clean up the mess". We're just easy-going, probably close to being push-overs sometime, and just don't care about it.

People think I've no self-esteem. They're right.

I just have a profound disgust for proud people.

The funny thing, lots of escorts have loads of them as a simple and understandable reaction of people looking at them with no respect and telling them they've got no self-respect. I guess here's your balance.

And I happen to have self-esteem. Just not a high one. I don't have a high esteem of myself. I don't have a good esteem of myself. I have a specific level of esteem. That's what self-esteem means anyway: you know what you're worth. And there's no need for superlatives for this.

I'm an idiot and I'm happy.

Our Small World  

Posted by H in

It is a small world after all...

No seriously, it is.

Especially when you are an active member of particular professions. For instance, if you are a secret double agent. Or if you are cheating on your wife.

It is equally small when you are an escort.

You might bump into a friend or relative or co-worker or just a stupid idiot you happen to know while you're out there on a job with a client. As you've seen, or as you may know if you are one of these, there's always a cute little dance going on to know what to do, and how to dodge the bullets.

You might also bump into another sex-worker. Where's the problem with that ? There might not be any actually. If you're on a job, and so is the other one, you can just have the delicate recognition nod.

It is actually much uglier if it's a sex-worker who hates you and lost her job and wouldn't care to yell at you in the middle of the street like a mad person. Gee, *that* is another completely different issue, and the damage control is brought to a brand new level when that happens.

G. ran into an ex-escort from one of the agencies she used to work for in another country (I'm telling you, it's sickening how the world can be so freaking small...). Apparently things didn't go too well in that agency, and what they called an escort agency was more or less some sort of really crappy homemade-brothel, where the tenant used to spy on the girls all day, where they had to report hours and so on, and had to fight every day to preserve the little intimacy they could have. They even tried to force them into being taped to have the feeds broad-casted *live* on the place's website. In the manager's head, that would have forced the girls to always do their best, and would have attracted more clients.

Anyway, G. worked for them back then only for a short period, until she burst out and went to a more decent place. But in between she ended up fighting a lot with this brothel's management, and being the person she is (and was) she obviously didn't really state her mind in a diplomatic manner. Not that she should have anyway.

But the thing is, following her little act of anarchism and rebellion, it appears half of the girls working there followed G. on the way out within the next week. Some even went directly to the agency where she had left to, and a small group started a new brothel, lead by the girls and not a piggy pimp.

No harm in that so far, would you tell me. Quite the opposite, I'd say it looks rather noble (though I could almost understand the manager's position on the live tapping thing... ahem... but hellloooo, can you spell "unethical", "freedom" and "privacy" ?).

But all good deeds have bad side-effects, and for some girls it also meant trouble. That's what happened to that particular girl, who lost her job 2 months after this incident when the brothel closed, out of bad publicity generated by the other agencies and all the girls who had left. She was suddenly without a job, and apparently at a difficult time.

So it appears she would blame G. for this, and when fate or bad luck or whatever-your-philosophy-calls-it had her ran into G., she unloaded it all. While G. was in the middle of a crowded street with a client. And by "crowded street", let's be honest and say *the* crowded street, as in *the main street* of the city.

As it happens, I overheard a co-worker this morning telling a story about how he heard "some drunk whore starting to give attitude to some chick on the street", and how this "chick" "might have been a whore too going our with her sugar daddy", who "looked puzzled and pissed and took off with the first cab he found, leaving the second girl hanging on the street".

Oops... Now *that* is a bad situation...

Good thing for me and for G. that this guy probably was already half pissed too and probably wouldn't recognize her, as it happened fast and he didn't see her well. She tried to discreetly reason with the other girl (let's call her crazy bitch), but when she started screaming and the client took off, she just started to walk away and ignored her, and jumped into a cab as soon as she could.

But that is still a scary thought. Getting too close to be in really serious trouble twice in 3 days, that's more than enough to get worried.

Even the biggest cities can be too small after a while.

Poor G. is having a really bad time lately, between that, her friend getting raped, that bad John the other day and everything...

It's time for a holiday kids, I saved up for a while, and now is the time to call it quits for a few days. I just surprised her with 2 tickets for a romantic week in an also romantic city in a sunny country. Money well spent if you ask me, though some could argue we could save it to avoid her having to do this job. I thank those people in advance for their support and understanding, you make us feel so much better.

You probably won't hear from us for a while except a few posts on a more general note. I actually read lots of interesting posts lately that I'd like to comment on, but I couldn't get around to doing it. I'll probably have some time to do that from a sunny beach or an humble hotel room, while having the room service cater us lazy lovebirds. Or maybe we'll just go around play the tourists and I'll just stop at a cafe to drop a note.

One thing is sure, we're not too sad to leave this place for the time being, and are really looking forward to sipping a cold coke on the plane and *sleep* during a very long flight. (though there's some club G. always told me she wanted to become a member of... ahem... we'll see...)

She's packing her bags in the bedroom right now and trying on a light sundress and bikini. With a huge smile on her face. Can't ask for more.

Her Friend's Rape  

Posted by H in ,

Yesterday G. came out in shock: A friend of hers had been raped.

It had actually already happened once before. She one called me while I was away, telling me one of her old friend had just been raped in a bar.
That was before I knew for sure she was working as a sex-worker, but it dawned on me rapidly after I learnt the truth that this "friend" was in fact a "co-worker", and that the "bar" was an hotel room set up for an out-call.

So the rape - which was still a rape of course, no denying here - was not the type you might picture, where a drunk guy would force a girl in some dirty alley. But the story is similar. An half-drunk guy with obvious problems to control his *desires*, who forced the escort he hired into a bareback session, and fucked her up the ass without her consent.

An escorting job gone bad.

G. was back then pretty shocked already, but she was more in shock because she had no clue how to react and comfort her co-worker. It had never really happened to her. Some have tried, like it probably happened to a vast majority of sex-workers, to force her in more or less subtle ways, to do what they wanted and she didn't want. But she always (as far as I know), to take control over them or calm them down.

Though I realized later she was also probably shocked because it might have been her. And I also realized at that point she might have been calling to tell me about her own rape, and not her co-worker's...

But yesterday, it's a (real-life) friend of hers who actually got raped the "typical" way, the one you'd imagine. The dark back alley type. The savage up-skirt fucking by an idiot, leaving you lying in the dust at 4 AM. That, and the second rape by the idiot's friend. Her friend was out there, just having fun and having a few drinks after work in a trendy bar in our area. We were actually supposed to join her but backed away because G. got a call for a job, and I was not really in the mood anymore to go out. (Yes, I feel realllllly fine now, thinking it could have been different, had I or G. been there)

But we didn't, and she was partying wth some friends, and hooked up with some guy during the night. They apparently ended up dancing and drinking until 2, and her friends left because it's a week-day and they all have to work in the morning. But she didn't, as she was enjoying her new partner-of-the-night's company, and thought things were going well. Around 3 things got handsy and they were heading out, to the guy's place.

And as they were walking towards what probably isn't his place at all, 3 blocks away from the bar, the guy became a bit too "handsy" and started to ask her to do things decency wouldn't really allow you to do on the street. Or at least not when you are *not* in the escort business, and have slightly stronger inhibitions.

She told him to back off and keep quiet, patience is virtue my friend, thinking he was just getting a bit too carried away but not thinking bad.

And he shoved her down the alley with the help of a friend who was following them - she thought he was just another person on the street - hit her and raped her. And then the other did.
No condoms.
The usual spitting on the face, to probably look more like the bad guys in the movies, which they already are.

And they left her wimping on the ground.

She finally managed to get a grip on herself 40 minutes away, according to the time she called the police. Officers were on the scene within 5 minutes, and brought her to the nearest hospital where she made a deposition while she was being taken care of.

That's apparently when she called G. for the first time, who at this very moment couldn't answer because she was busy doing what she does. She called her again when a police officer gave her a ride home after he finished his shift. G. went right from her client's to her place (and actually realized later she didn't really have any explanation for being dressed-up, wearing make-up and coming to her place within 20 minutes, tough she called her a after 5.30 AM... "Thanks" to the shock, her friend did not realize at all).

She felt miserable and couldn't talk much and kept crying in silence, and G. didn't know what to do. I called her around 6.30 AM to check up on her and she told me she wouldn't be home soon because a friend was having problems. No I cannot help, not right now, she's OK but can't leave now. Fair enough I said, we'll talk later.

And here she was 4 hours later, the one now silently crying in my arms, cursing all the johns, the punters, the rapists, her own father, me, each and every man on earth for that matter, and any God she could think of for making men and women different and insufflating us with these weird desires of ours, and those even stronger, darker thoughts hidden somewhere under our skins. These thoughts that allow sheep in wolves' clothing to tag along on an innocent night of fun partying and send it all to Hell.

Her Lucky Day  

Posted by H in

The other day, G. accepted an out-call from a guy who sort of is one of her regulars. He actually comes regularly. Once a year. That's regular.

She actually enjoys the jobs with this person, as he acts like a real gentleman, picks her up whenever and wherever she agrees to, and always takes her to fancy places. This is one of the perks of higher-level escorting.

Of course, this is still about sex, at some point, but not always. The guy just travels a lot and enjoys some company, and though he is booking her for these obvious reasons, they also developed some sort of friendship.

I have sort of a mixed feeling about this. As usual of course because of the job itself, but also because I still wonder how you can draw a line between something professional and something close to a friendly relationship, and how you manage not to get ideas. My concern is: what would this guy, as a friend, do for her ?

If it involves just lending her some money, not doubt he will. That's not even a problem, so why would he care ? But would he get his hands dirty for her ? Would he expose himself to help her if he were to get in trouble or get caught with her ?

Probably not.

That is the difference between friendship and simple social networking.

The problem is, some people don't get these rules and happen to get hurt at some point, and in a way that leaves marks for ever.


G. was actually kind of happy about this appointment, and that would already be a good enough reason to consider this a "lucky day". It definitely doesn't happen with every client.

But the luck I'm referring too here is the one that maybe helped her not to get caught with the guy, as they were getting out of the hotel he was staying in.

As she was about to walk inside the hotel, waiting for him to pick up his swipe card at the counter until she could join him in the elevator, an old "friend" of hers, who of course doesn't know about her sex-worker activities, came out of the place.

The usual awkward moment all working girls probably live in the fear of encountering... And that some already lived a dozen times and know how to deal with.

Now I know my G., and I know she definitely has the ability to cover her tracks in this type of situations. However I also know she can be kind of ... let's say clumsy. And not always very convincing. I know that from my own experience, after all.

But she's got the necessary street-smart aptitudes.

But I could easily imagine the scene when she told me about this encounter. The little side-steps, the moment of hesitation, the quick analysis of the situation. The desire to say out of the blue the (fake but plausible) reason of you being here. But that's too bold, why would you say it. The extravagant greeting. Yep, go for the extravagant greeting "oh darling, how arrrreee you, it's been such a long time". Go for the extravagant greeting if you're with a client who knows when it's time to keep it low profile and wait while you dodge the bullet.

So she greets her old friend, who of course finally asks what she's doing here, as of course she hasn't been in this area for a while. She was just on her way to buy new shoes, because she's heading for a vacation next week.

How simple it is, isn't it ?

Of course you're leaving next week (no chance of getting asked out for a reunion), and of course you're going to buy shoes because the shoe store is exactly in the direction where your friend came from (unlikely she'll turn back to come with you). That's my girl...

And how it's getting late, she has to hurry, and off she goes, calls her client while she's walking down the street, and asks him to let her know when the intruder is out of sight.

10 to 15 minutes is barely all it takes for these conversations to take place, and for them to return to their normal lives. Back to the hotel room, back to business. And for G., 2 hours later, back to another client. And for the mystery man, back to another plane taking him God knows where, but I bet some place where another muse will soon get a similar call for a once-in-a-year regular appointment.

But 1 to 5 minutes is all it could have taken to ruin it all. 1 to 5 minutes later and her friend would have walked in on her getting *into* the elevator.

She wouldn't have noticed she was with anyone, because G. is careful and for daylight jobs she usually enforces her clients not showing any sign of knowing her. That's why she sent the guy pick up is keys first, and then they just casually take the elevator at the same time. A bit james-bond-y, but easy. Necessary too, because like I said, mister John here probably would back-off and leave her hanging if *he* was the one about to get exposed.

But still, how do you argue about being in an elevator to an hotel where you friend happens to stay and catches you on the spot ? You deny, you can say you are meeting a client who happens to be on another level, and maybe you get away with it. Probably. But it becomes so much trickier.

And not all clients are reactive to these situations as well as our mystery man here. Some even take a delicious pleasure in making it obvious the firl they're with is a sex-worker. Because they have so much self-esteem and because their own education makes them look down on them, they have fun pinning you down.

That's all it takes. 1 to 5 minutes, and a good regular. One you built a relationship with, and you have carefully accustomed to secret encounters and their by-laws, and made understand that a meeting that might go wrong can always be re-scheduled. Not that easy when it's a drunk animal calling you at off hours of the night, be it just a normal guy willing to have a good time or the junior business executive who likes to show off his drug and money. These might not be as easy going, they want it all and now.

Her Addictions and Rejections  

Posted by H in ,

A recurrent topic when it comes to the world of escorting, from what G. tells me and from what I can see from other girls' blogs, is the question of the addictions.

Plural, yes.
There are more than one, and all can be combined non-exclusively.

Addiction to sex.
Addiction to submission.
Addiction to domination.
Addiction to power.
Addiction to money.
Addiction to the lifestyle and the scene.

The addiction to sex is fairly obvious. It even has chemical foundations after all (Thanks to your endorphins and other little hormones). It might vary in strength depending on the subject, though. In G.'s case, well, she's seriously hung up on it, though she doesn't feel the need to jump on anyone passing by. But boy, she surely has a crazy sex-drive, and the thing is when she takes a break from escorting once in a while, I have to really escape from the bedroom crawling like a snake every single morning if I want to make it on time at work. And pretty much the same in the evening, if I want to get more than 3 hours of sleep. I swear it already crosses my mind to give *her* sleeping pills so that I could sleep myself.

The addiction to submission might sound obvious to idiots; to the ones who think all escorts like people telling them things like "take it all, ya biatch", "I want to spread your *ss with my huge c*ck and f*ck your mouth", also the very classic "you like that, huh ?" and sweet nothings of the sort.
(Yes, I'm not into dirty talk. Was that not obvious ?)

Yeah well, everyone has favorite games and fantasies; once in a while that might be fun, but on a daily (hourly ?) basis, I think we can assume the general acceptance amongst the girls would be "Thanks, but no thanks", and if you can refrain, please do so.

It is actually more sneaky. They might not like it for what it makes them look-like, or for the way (some of) their clients picture them. But they get simply "used" to this. That's an horrible thought. Where I would have thought at the beginning of my relationship with G. that she might not want to bring her "job" home - and I was definitely happy that way - it appears she actually want her private life to sometime be more like her job.

I don't mind in the end, role-play is not my thing at all and I am not that type of guy, but this is withing my boundaries to just rough it up a little.
I just wonder if it goes further with other people...

The addiction to domination is of course the pendant to the previous one. Whether this is a conscious mimetic or not, you also get used to this position. It's natural after all: something that is funny within a universe is probably as funny in another one. It's normal you want to keep it in both. Let's not loose too much time on this one and go on.

The addiction to power, not to be confused with the addiction to domination, characterizes both the power-trip you get of knowing you are somehow in control of the cravings of your clients. They might be the one paying, but they are still paying to get *you*.

They think you are an element of society they're taking advantage of (or having fair-trade with, depending on the persons and your opinion). Actually, deep-down, the escort might be the puppet-master. Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't dare say that escorting is the creation of the escorts themselves. Prostitutes are not at the foundation of prostitution. But there is an inversion of control here. Like a CEO can get sent back to his quarters in a board meeting if he doesn't pay attention to the recommendations of his lower-level advisors, the pimp and the client simply need the girls (or boys; you get the idea).

This addiction to power comes also from very satisfying feeling. A feeling that you better wish you have, because some don't. It depends how you've been caught up in this. Some girls are not as lucky and simply get really forced into this, but let's consider that I focus here on higer-level escorting, though I care about all levels of the pyramid in general).

This feeling is the one of knowing you are doing this thing, that some judge wonderful, some the most horrible thing, and that you *chose* to do it. May it be good or wrong, you took the responsibility for it.

I am actually really proud of G. Her profession is not the one I'd wish for her, and though she might have had other options (but I wasn't here and cannot judge), her decision and courage in this are impressive. Of course there are ethical problems (I wouldn't deliver a medal to anyone sending someone to death, even though taking this sort of decision requires some sort of courage too...), but they are not show-stoppers in this matter.
They are part of the decision-taking.

This feeling is dangerous, as you easily get prisoner of its control. You end up thinking you are better than others *because* of this. You might well be better than half the world, but it would be *inspite* of that.

Finally, the power-trip is also driven by the usual suspects. Money and social networking, which easily send invitations to other regular members of the party: cocaine, ecstasy or others drugs.

The escort business relies heavily on the corporate image of the agencies, and on the personal image of the escorts. Networking, be it internal (between the sex-workers) or external (by mingling with the clients and regulars), is a huge part of it.

I can't remember the last time G. went out and came home drunk or baked and actually *paid* for any of those. Not that it matters that much too me, I wouldn't like her paying for drugs anyway. But somehow the fact that she gets it for free is even worse, as it is one less control on its usage. It also means she is more or less obliged to her providers, and cannot refuse these offers. Or at least not too often. But I digress, maybe I'll come back to this topic later in another post.

The thing is, lots of escorts rely on a really impressive network, composed of other escorts (present and past co-workers with whom they have direct contact, remote colleagues to share bad punters' lists with and so on...), a whirlpool of agencies' and brothels' managers, and an even bigger sub-network of present and past-regulars.

The power you get out of this is hard to grasp, and surely hard to let go. It can also severely bite you in your delicate parts, and leave pretty deep scars, which may never leave... The ones one the other side of the network also have power, and losing trust gives penalties to both parties.

Finally, this addiction to power is indirectly the source of an addiction to the general escorting scene, or party scene for that matter if you are involved in a lot of out-going appointments with regulars. But if you look at it, this is not only a constant in this business, and this is pretty much the case for any kind of position (More on this take later on this post, with a slightly different approach).

However, the addictions are not the only part of the equation.

Some are more rejections than addictions though, and sometimes, when an escort wants to call it quits, it is like looking from the other side of the mirror. The addictions don't necessarily draw her back to the escort business: the rejections she feels towards her from the other world are more than enough for this.

Rejection by her friends and relatives.
Rejection by her co-workers.
Rejection by other beings for that matter.

Rejection of a 9-17 schedule.
Rejection of a less than 300 bucks hourly rate.
Rejection of another authority.

A very strange thing, is that part of this rejection is also due to the the constraint of having to provide service to other people within a working environment. Considering escorting is also a service, it hardly looks like adapting to another service-industry would be hard. It is the same general rule. Someone orders, you give. Or someone shouts commands, and you respond. Well, it just is hard. Because it's one you did not necessarily choose.

The girls who went into escorting did it for various reasons, but ultimately the final decision to step over the fence was (for the most part) theirs.

Whereas when they get back to the "normal" world (this is not only my word, as most of them call their jobs "a normal job" or a "daytime" job), they were paradoxically drawn to it non only by their own desire, but above all by the rejection they feel from others.

I find the irony of this situation at the same time utterly depressing and fascinating. Depressing because the vicious circle is... well... vicious. In all possible ways. Fascinating, because this is apparently, from my personal experience and from what I've read online, a common pattern. This spiral of self-rejection is reproduced in many occasions. And not only in the context of escorting actually. Dear reader, look back just for a sec to see if this pattern wouldn't apply to yourself. The reasons and contexts might be different, but replace the rejection of other people-spheres because of the nature of your job by another pretext (their higher social level, their different tastes...), the rejections by your own disgusts (rejection of unethical jobs, rejection of corporate barriers...), and the addictions by your own pet thieves (are you a workoholic ? a mad
geek within your own field ? a dominant little manager ? a cocaine-addicted trader ?).

It all looks pretty much the same to me.

Still, then why am I more depressed about her addictions and rejections than about mine ?

Maybe I'm just part of the system myself, or I get it all wrong.

Or maybe, even though I know the internal workings of this and how it compares to other situations, I cannot fully accept them, or at least not the way it fits in our society.
Still not too sure about this.

My Stupidity  

Posted by H in

I am a stupid idiot to think that I can even consider to grasp what she's going through and to think of comparing it to what I do.

Even if her workload is smaller than mine, she works a lot, is stressed out, and has to deal with all the other problems that her job implies. Privacy, secrecy, emotional wreckage, odd hours, the control of her agency, juggling with public transport services to go from one client to another, and also all the attention she has to give to her clients.

And at least I don't have this sort of problems.

Bottom line: I'm an idiot, and I should have snapped like I did.

She sure makes my life a bit harder in these occasions, but she also makes it so worth it the rest of the time. Next time this happens, I'll know I can skip one my happy early mornings session of just watching her sleep, and remember she just needs space.

A few people might think she also has some responsibility in this, and that's entirely true. I definitely didn't deserve this yesterday.

But I can get on with it really easily, and it's so much easier for me to forget about it than for her to switch off when she comes back from an harassing job.


Posted by H in

The "Bad John of the Day" award goes to the guy responsible to the way I felt yesterday.

That sucker bummed her all the way.

First of all he didn't find anything better than to call her for 3 hours before they meet and yell at her because she was late (but he's the one who rescheduled at a time that made it impossible for her to be on time and had her cross the whole freaking city).

Then of course he felt the urge to act like a stereotype. You know, the usual stuff: grunting, slapping, insulting... The type who in addition to this ask you to comment on what he does all the time, to tell him is the best stud ever, and to scream like someone's trying to perform an open-chest surgery on you without any sort of anesthesia.

Of course he would then start to get drunk (as in: more than he already was), force her to drink too (yeah you're not the only person she's seeing. That's hard, I know - of course I know, considering... - but deal with it and let her do what she wants as long as it doesn't concern your service), complain about her performance for the 2 remaining hours (doesn't happen often at all, and when it does it crushes her), completely ignore her when she tried to do conversation until he would be up for it again, and then start pondering again like crazy.

Finally he'd try to get some of his money back, go out of the building with her and being obvious in all possible ways about what they were doing, and end-up insulting her and commenting on her looks and lifestyle.

The perfect gentleman, indeed.

Because of this she was late for the next session too, which was much better, but she couldn't concentrate and thought herself she provided a terrible service to this guy. Who at least had the decency of *offering* her a drink, and to offer to drive her home, but she was so upset she was apparently mean to him too (she called him back to apologize during the day, and in my opinion if you reach the point where escort *call back* to apologize for what they do, there is something terribly messed up with this world...).

Therefore she walked home, fulminating, and unloaded it all on me, and she was still super upset when she came back from work today.

Pretty good score I guess, when you, a complete stranger, can manage to upset someone for 2 days in a row. Congrats.

My Anger  

Posted by H in

It's been a while since I wrote anything, and there's a good reason for this (there always is, isn't it ?) as I was completely swamped. And G. has been busy doing what she does, and there was nothing special and worth writing. Just the day to day life of a guy living with his escort girlfriend. That's all.

Or maybe there is something to moan about...

She's been doing crazy shifts lately and is more tired than ever, and this morning I got slightly angry at her. Actually not angry. Upset.

I felt a bit abandoned, as she's been working around the clock, like I am, but without much consideration for me. I try my best to work my ass off during the day and come back and make it up to her if I have not been really available. I don't ask her for any effort, and don't require her to do anything in particular.

Please spare me comments like "yeah, you just want her to be here and look pretty". No. I don't ask anything, I get up, kiss her, go to work, go back, buy food cook, work again at home, until she's back usually around 6 AM, try to have her relax and then we go to bed. I sleep 2 hours, and I'm up again. That has been my life for the past 4 weeks. And I'm OK with it.

My hob is fine, I make good money, so does she for the moment as she doesn't have to focus on other jobs and her studies, and everything is just fine. We even managed to get away for a lovely break 2 weeks ago. It's life, and it's OK if it's a bit rough as long as the outcomes are worth it. Even if it ain't worth it, well it's still life.

She will even sometimes come home half drunk, half baked, and pissed off and angry at the entire world, and that includes me because I happen to be the closest thing she can complain about. And that's also fine, she's going through a lot, and so am I, so I can completely understand that.

Then, how come she can't understand it? I wouldn't dare to say my job is as despisable as hers. Of course not. But my goodness, I am still doing a pretty significant effort here...

So, why didn't I get in the past 2 weeks a "thanks", a "I miss you", or a mechanical "I love you" ? She's tired and fed up. That's why. Deal with it idiot. I do.

But coming home this morning, as she passed the door and I asked her how she's been doing (and not "who", thanks), she just managed to tell me she'd been a great time, and actually a better time than with me. Fair enough, as I wrote here earlier, I don't mind her having fun on the job or fooling around with someone else. Oh and by the way, I'm an asshole and I can go f*ck myself. And off she is to the bedroom and locks the door, and I am stranded in the living room thinking, in all honesty, WTF ??

Hmmm ?

At that point I got worried. Usually that means something really bad happened, she's had tough or rough clients, or she's in one of these phases where the job manages to get to her. She has those periods where she despises herself for doing this. Still, usually she asks for help in this case. She doesn't bluntly get off at me for no reason.

After 20 minutes of waiting at the door, she finally tells me she doesn't want to see me and I disgust her. I am completely puzzled at this stage.

After a while, she relaxes a little bit, and explains that she simply can't stand the sight of me, and that if I look at her in any way she won't like I'm in for big trouble.

Okay... I'd like to understand this... I get it that the job involves sex (yes, I got that part right at least), and that it's repulsive to have to do it sometimes with scary pervert dudes or to just consider the thought you might be in the middle of a couple, or the sadness of realizing those people are sometimes even worse off than you are. And I can get it that if I look at her in a way that reminds her of all this, she'll get off, or get depressed. But geez, don't I deserve better than that ? I try not to do it, and usually when she comes back home I really rarely am in a sexy mood anyway.

I am only waiting for her and that hour of my day where she just silently eats what I prepared while I hold her is the one that gets me through the rest of my day. Or she might just go straight to bed, and usually let me cuddle her while she quickly falls asleep. Or she'll just talk about what she wants to do next week-end. That's our daily routine. This is one fucking hour. The 2 others ones are the ones where we sleep, like I said. That's all we spend together lately. 3 hours.

I felt like I would have discovered that someone robbed my home as I come back from a trip. I got robbed from my moment of light, and I don't even get an explanation for it.

Or if I got one, I don't feel it was satisfactory enough, and I don't snap at her like this when I'd have the same reasons too.

That's one lousy blog entry for an early morning.
I'm gonna kill a co-worker today, that will make me feel better.

So, you like Huey Lewis and the News ?

My E-Mail Problems  

Posted by H in

Hey there,

if some of you have been trying to contact me over the last 2 weeks, I'm sorry but I encountering problems with my e-mail service provider.

I can send e-mails, but apparently I am not receiving any.

Which also mean that if you replied to one of my comments on your website, or commented on this one, I didn't get any notification.

Sorry about that, I hope it gets fixed soon.

Our Week-End Away  

Posted by H in ,

We just had the most lovely week-end we've had in a long while. G. sent her agency and regulars to Hell and booked whatever she could for next week, and decided to deal with private johns' inquiries by just not answering her professional cell at all.

It felt pretty good after a fairly hard week for the both of us, and that was really great to be able to have some time to spend together. I think we hardly spent 4 hours in a row together during the last 5 weeks, and that includes sleeping time.

So we headed south for a small road trip, in the early hours of Saturday.
Her, me, a bike, a tent, a fully loaded mp3 player and the sun.

No more fancy hotels, no more shiny board-rooms.
A 2-days truce.

We spent a good 5 hours on the road as the weather was great and that's one of my hobbies and she likes to tag along on my little excursions, and we wanted to put some distance between our normal lives and this ephemeral fountain of youth (and love).

We arrived in time for a huge feast in the mountains in a friend's restaurant, and took a long walk under the trees, leading us to another friend's place, looking at the wildlife going crazy around us.

And the best thing: not a tourist to be spotted around.

We stayed a good part of the evening at my friend's drinking, talking, kissing (I mean, only me and her... we're off duty, remember ?), watching TV (and not the Olympics), watching old German movies (don't ask...) and drinking and eating again.

We ended up thinking of leaving around 4AM but my friend insisted we stayed over (we wanted to camp just nearby) so we did, and had the most romantic and gentle love-making/sex/fucking/whatever-you-cool-kids-call-it-these-days and fell asleep until 9AM.
Woke up, cooked a huge breakfast, and went back to bed til 12.

Once the breakfast was (ex)terminated, we drove to a nearby town to visit friends of hers, and drove back home.

This post has nothing to do with that little sociological topic of ours I guess... Or does it ? It just reflects a need to fly away from it from time to time, after all, and that's what we did.

If you can, I'd recommend you do to, if you're feeling a bit down lately. Shut off your phone, just hit the road, put on your headphones if you're alone or turn on the radio or pick an old favorite mix tape of yours, and your back to the good old times.

Love week-ends like these.

They won't change the world and won't even change us, but they still are important.

Yep, love week-ends like these.

Their Luck  

Posted by H in

I wonder if the guys she sleeps with actually realize their luck.

Okay, I hear the skeptics' choir again...

From the left aisle, they're chanting that they just don't care and want a quick fuck, and though some would be ready to pay big bucks for a good fuck, some would settle for just anything and there's not so much glamor and luck in this, does it ?

From the right aisle, the canon answers with darts pointed towards me for thinking that she's so wonderful when she's probably just like the average girl. [yes, I just wrote that. Don't start psychoanalyzing me, I always ramble anyway]

But in the end, they still end up probably satisfied at the end of the night, she provides a good service, they get to see a short glimpse of her, partly different from the one I have, and at the same time not so dissimilar, and finally, and all this without any consideration for the fact they could be the best guys on Earth and living incarnations of Mr Right or the damnedest losers ever. Hey, after all, I'm one of the latter and I know how lucky I am to have her.

She'll have dinner dates with them, hang out with them if it's OK and is part of a longer professional relationship and a tacit agreement that they'll book other sessions, and smile back at them if she ever meet them somewhere. [which reminds me... that's another topic I wanted to write about and we'll discuss later when I've got some more time.]

In the end, I guess the trade is quite fair for both parties. It's fairly expensive (for her, as she has to give of her time and person; for them, by resorting to a more common currency), and is fairly rewarding (for her, because of the transfer of this currency; for them, for the physical and mental pleasure they get out of it).

Of course I'd understand if girls would comment on this saying that this far from being fair, but if it wasn't fair in some kind of twisted and pragmatic way, it just wouldn't work, would it ? At least not in this industries of agencies managing high-level escorts, I am not discussing trafficking and harder exploitation here.

"Their" in my title also refers to the agencies, of course, and G.'s in particular, which should realize how professional she is about her job, though I'm not so sure a lot of guides were published on the topic or any standard of governance has ever been approved and released. And how many clients she brought them and had become
regulars of hers or other girls (or combined).

Sometimes I wish I'd come across one of them, client and managers, to just nod at them and ask "you realize you're living a dream just because she wants it that way?"

My Worries  

Posted by H in

My sweet lovebird is out again.

She got a call at 3AM to get on a job, so she slipped out of bed and got dressed up, kissed me a tender good-bye and off she was.

No special reason to worry about this, and I'm not in one of those crazy intolerable nerve-wrenching moments like it happened on Monday.

My worries tonight are more a set of general thoughts.

I hope she gets there safe, that the client won't request extensions and that she'll be able to come back relatively early in the morning to take a short nap before she'd have to leave for her daytime job.

Oh yes, I didn't say anything about that... since last Wednesday, she's got a temporary job, as she got advised she probably wouldn't have to many clients for the next 2 weeks by her agency. They try to rotate and though based on experience and satisfaction the best jobs are distributed to the best workers, the agency tries to keep it fair and to still allocate a minimal weekly schedule for everybody. Times being a bit slim apparently lately, she has to step back a little for newcomers.

Which gives her some time. And even though she's usually on call 24/7, it is usually worth the bet to go for both options and cancel either one of them down the road if deemed necessary.

Why get another job when you can already make *beeeeeeppp* bucks an hour on a part-time basis, and get by just fine even with only a few jobs per week ? Well, just because you want to spare some for the future and also simply because it feels good to do something else. And it helps with the cover for friends and relatives.

Additionally, it helps her to keep her resume fairly active while she finishes her studies, so that there won't be a huge blank space in the middle and investigative interviewers asking "so, miss G., could you please tell us what you've been doing between XXXX and XXXX and during all these similar periods or gaps that appear on your file ?"

Still, it's kind of tiresome for her, and I just hope she doesn't push it too far. Besides, she might have to be more active in her studies soon as that definitely fit with the 2 jobs. And me in all this ? I'll take the time-crumbs, thanks, that's OK.

And then I hear students complain in bars during the week-end that they're too tired of working their asses off at universities and schools. My girl's on steroids and is starting to master micro-sleep even better than I do.

And though I believe sometimes pushing it close to the limit for a short - but intense - period is a good thing for several reasons, it sort of feels like she's getting more and more into the business, somehow. Maybe we could do it differently.

Her Way Out  

Posted by H in

I said in earlier posts that she does this job out of necessity, when she needs the money (and some argue out of a pure will to do it, which might sometimes be true, but in that case she would just do it all the time). That she doesn't like it and want to stop at some point in the future, that she has other plans and side projects.

So, what are her plans ? What is her way out of this ?

Like I said in our introduction messages, G.'s an artist of some sort (and please no jokes about her job here), and she's actually pretty good at it (for what I can tell).

Her ways out are then to manage to get a big break in this field, or at least moderately big. But that requires a lot of dedication and an incredible commitment. Which is the tricky part when you have to work on the side a odd hours and need to balance everything. Another solution is to find someone who could help you for a period of time where you focus on your career plan without having to worry about the rest.

I unfortunately cannot pretend to be the "someone" offering this alternative, as I don't have the required wealth for it. For now. And I'm already having problems to find the right balance myself between the big plan and the rest. Also, I hate dependent relationships with a passion as they just spiral around their own kernel of problems until implosion inevitably happens. And I wouldn't like someone to be patronizing towards me and wouldn't inflict this to others.

But still, if I could offer her this way out, I'd do it. With a smile.

[EDIT: a skeptic told me that it's probably just wishful thinking, and we're probably not doing what it takes to move around things. Our schedules and micro-sleep cycles respectfully beg to differ.]

Her Leap of Faith  

Posted by H in , ,

How big of a risk is did she take when she confessed to me ?

From my point of view it seems fairly big, and it seems like she was not accustomed to reveal this aspect of her life too early to people she'd been dating.

Some of her escort friends who have children raise them without having ever told them and apparently they never noticed. Apparently this is also the same for other girls out there. so how long can the game keep going on ?

Anyway, that day she took a chance with me, and I was really happy about it. That she would start to trust me more, stop lying to me, stop having to make excuses. I also wanted it this way because it made it easier for me not having to avoid to eavesdrop on her anymore. I hated it when I was feeling guilty for picking up things, like I said earlier. And it made it easier for her go on with her job.

But still, despite the obvious advantages of the openness, she placed a bet on me, that I wouldn't betray her. I guess it could happen with clients too anyway, so that's not so much of a big deal, but clients are mostly getting fake-named except for a few regulars, and they contact her via the agency for bookings.

We all have to take chances at some points during our lives: professional and educational paths as well as love lives are all bound to encounter crossings and dead-ends.

Some choices are happy and some aren't, but we usually know which ones are worth the money we put in them. Though when it comes to love lives, or at least intimate relationships, before we can put them in the big pink basket with the huge ribbon with LOVE in big letters written on the top, the bet is more opaque.
We just have to keep trying again and again, and it takes the right amount, the perfect bet (and bait) to make the other comfortable with your interest in him/her and not scare the hell out of him/her because you either hit too low or way too high.

Some might argue she didn't really take a chance, I cornered her.
That's right, but it was still a relief.

We talked recently about this episode of our past again, and she said she almost told me the night of the very job she had while dating me (she was just getting back into the business after a break, actually).
She felt comfortable with me, though not so sure about I would last, as I was confusing her a little with my behavior (I can look rather distant, though I don't feel that way. It usually takes time to adjust to this, and I try to ease it, but hey, you are who you are, in the end). She thought I'd had got over it. She retracted for 2 reasons.

She was high on cocaine and thought she might not be thinking clearly and might be doing something stupid (glad to know she has some lucidity left).

And I was being so understanding with her when she came back from her job a 5AM, meeting her outside for a drink even though had been working around the clock and had to leave soon for work that she figured it was either too good to be true and I was forcing it, or I was really way too nice and she got scared of dropping the bomb on me so soon.
Too bad, things would have been so much simpler.

I'm not complaining, they didn't end up too bad anyway.

I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to have to make the decision to trust someone with this kind of secret. To let them in a tighter circle of friends or trustees. That would explain too why she wouldn't want me to know where her office was for a while, I guess, as it would give her a guarantee I wouldn't be able to do too much damage if things got ugly. Probably.

I don't know. I'm a really private person about my life. Quite secretive, really. I tend to be careful about what I let co-workers or friends of friends learn about me. And my friends know my policies on divulging of information and respect it. I avoid leaving too many tracks online, without being a paranoid freak, because it is quite amusing how you can simply pick up the bits and pieces of a people's profile here and there and build on it to make up scams.

People tend to think online that they can be free of saying what they say because they're behind a password and a username, a nickname. The thing is, this nickname still defines who you are in relation to other people, who know you why this nickname. Someone can still collect information abut this character, fictitious or not, and make it his own and pose as yourself. I might not work for long, but it might work long enough, depending on what they wish to achieve.

That's one example of the concerns about privacy.

So how freaky must it be to have to do the same thing, but even without the layer of technological crap protecting you from the sneak-peakers ? You've got basically only a really thin layer of protection: one or more fake-names for your escorting business, the character you build for yourself to show to your clients, and then, directly underneath, there is you. Naked, so to speak.

That would make me really uncomfortable. I suppose it is at first, and you get used to it, like you get used to most jobs' pros and cons, and learn to discern precaution from paranoia.

And maybe this leap of faith has already been conquered before, when you just start this job. You have to face the consequences from the start, so maybe you mentally deal with it, and then it's taken care of and is just part of your background. Like the bullets whistling at a trooper's ears or the sound of the metallic cables eating a mat for a sailor. They might sound louder from time to time without it really worrying you, it's just a matter of knowing when you are still in control and when you stop to be.

I'm still grateful she jumped in. After all some of her long-time friends have no clue about this.

Her Off Button  

Posted by H in ,

A question girls always get in this job is whether they enjoy it having sex with their clients.

While looking around I had all different kinds of answers.

Some swear bloody Hell that, of course, they have pleasure with their clients and more often that not. And it's normal. Others will just say they enjoy the act without really reaching orgasm, mostly because of their lack of interest, though it can happen. Another third group will say they just shut off and don't enjoy and that their body won't even do the rest, they don't enjoy neither mentally nor physically.

For G., though she says she sometimes has great sex with clients, she says she has a hard time to get into it.

She prefers jobs where she has to do girls, as a personal preference (I am apparently sort of an exception on her personal road map. Good for me). But if it's a guy, he has to be attractive otherwise she has a hard time getting get turned on, and that's a problem because it doesn't help. Looks are really important for her. If he's attractive, it's much easier.

On the other hand, if it's a girl going down on her, she has a very hard time, though she prefers girls. Exactly because of this: she prefers them and don't want them in this context. She told me actually feeling sorry a few times for girls getting at her for 10 minutes without her starting to show any hint of getting wet, though they wanted to please her. And she actually likes to do girls, but prefers to be done by guys.

Guess it depends on everyone's tastes in that matter.

I have no idea if this is normal. That she sometimes has a hard time to get turned onm I mean. I agree with some posts and comments I've read, stating that ultimately, you can turn anyone on, as long as you take the time and put some attention and effort into it. But the mood can make it pretty hard.

But she's not always been like that. Apparently the problem is related to me. She's been doing this job for a while, but never on a really intensive *and* long-lasting basis. She's doing it on and off, either occasionally when she needs money, or intensively for a few months to spare some cash and then completely stop working for a while and focus on other aspects of her life.

And usually she would go back to this business when she's not involved with someone anymore. Apparently I had her lose quite a lot of money. Well, "lose" is a big word: she missed a lot of jobs because of me, that's what it is. Some I know of, from before she told me but when I had figured it out, or after her confession and she would tell me she just didn't want to go. And apparently some other ones.

And she wouldn't do this usually, and tell her partners to stay out of it (if they knew), and to not get too involved. Which sounds good for me again, if the pattern is different here (I know, skeptics around here will tell me again that I have to get off my high horse, that she's just saying this to be nice).

The thing is, she can't do this while she's dating someone. It's too hard on her. She's too emotional for her, and though she can do the job really intensively if she needs to when she's single, and just shut off her brain and pretend, or enjoy but without really caring, she can't do it when she's involved.

She can't switch off. She gets too confused emotionally, somewhere in-between her jobs and her relationship.

That's why she cut it down a little lately, and accepts only the nice jobs, and tries to accommodate to my timetable.

I think it's terrific in a way, because I like the way we're going, and I appreciate the gesture. On the other hand, I just hope I'm not changing her life too much, that she's not getting too confused, that I'm not having her change too much for me, that she doesn't miss out for me (high horses chorus in the background. But though I acknowledge the singers might be right, may I also just point out there is a possibility they feel a little jealous and/or bitter because they'd like to have the same thing, but so far it never worked out, or it did and crashed ? Maybe like it will for us.)

Or maybe that's just her normal evolution and she reached a point where she wants to take it slower.


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My Girlfriend is an Escort

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